A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Argh this is a horrible question and I've been debating with myself on whether to post on it for ages now but it's just got to the point where I can feel it getting on top of me and I need someone to talk some sense to me!Basically, my boyfriend and I haven't been together long (four months) and we've been getting on great. We're both 26, we have a lot of fun and we rarely argue. Sex is good and we seem to be in sync. I've met his friends and get on quite well with them. Most of his friends are females and this doesn't bother me at all - his best friend is a girl who I get on really well with, we've even been out by ourselves without my boyfriend and had a great time - but I'm starting to find their relationship a little frustrating.They've been friends for ten years and nothing romantic has ever happened between them, for the first six years of their relationship she was with someone in his circle of friends. That's not my worry anyway. However there is a messaging app on mobiles where you can see when someone is 'online' or when they were 'last online' which lots of people use as its a free over wifi service.When the two of them are both online, I get completely ignored. If my boyfriend and I are together in person and they message, I get completely ignored. This morning, my boyfriend and I woke up a little late as we were out last night and he had so many messages from her, saying his name over and over and over and asking why he was ignoring her and doing cry faces. He showed me and laughed it off saying 'these are the rambles of a crazy person', but then messaged her for about half an hour and we sat in silence with the tv on. This is just a small example, but as we don't get to spend much time together during the week and last night we were both out separately I guess it kind of bugged me.Am i being unreasonable in thinking this is a little too much? I don't want to say anything yet as I genuinely like her and I think he would get frustrated and take it the wrong way. But I could potentially see this spilling over into paranoia (I have been cheated on before - physically and virtually if that makes sense) and just don't want to go down that same road again.So I guess I have a few questions here - am I being unreasonable? Should I mention it? If not, how do I 'get over' it?I feel bad just asking but I want to nip this in the bud now before my green eyed monster gets out!
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female
reader, millonbitsu  +, writes (14 April 2013):
Yeah nip this in the bud now, the first answer was spot on, it's nothing to do with this girl.It's clear he's got nothing to hide and doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior.Just be direct, playfully suggest he puts his phone down and have some fun with you, go out somewhere. Or if that's not your style just have a little chat with him, explain you're not jealous of his friendship with said girl but you just want to make the most of your time together and have some time just chilling out and being just you two.I'm sure if you guys are in sync as you say he will see where you're coming from.Stay rational, stay calm and if you feel the urge to start reading through his messages or pick an argument for no good reason remember he has done nothing for you to doubt or distrust him and you're being paranoid.Good luck, it sounds like you've got a lovely sociable guy who's built a healthy friendship with a female friend and has a large group of friends he's close to and happy to introduce and get you involved with, but sometimes you do need it to be just the two of you :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2013): I definitely don't think this is an unreasonable problem you're having. Your boyfriend is allowed to have girl friends but he should back off from them when he gets an actual girlfriend. Their friendship shouldn't be affecting your relationship or making you feel like a third wheel so I think you should say something about it to him. Don't try to give him a "me or her" ultimatum because he'll probably react badly to that but maybe tell him how it upsets you and explain why. Surely he can see that it's not appropriate behaviour, especially in front of you!My boyfriend has close female friends. In fact, his best friend is also a female and early on in our relationship I had some issues with how they behaved around each other. I mentioned it to him and he tried to change the way they acted with each other so I was comfortable. It took a while, and I had to cry at him about it once or twice, but we got there. Maybe you should try the same thing. You should be the most important girl in his life, not her, and he needs to know that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 April 2013):
 It's not about the girl.
This is about you not wanting your boyfriend to sit and text someone else for half an hour when you're right next to him, and when the two of you have little time to spend together. I don't know often you do get to spend time with him, but if you have so little time together then you need to plan better. DO something. For all he knows, you're happy sitting there watching the TV while he is texting friends. Have you once told him you want his attention? Asked him if he couldn't put the phone down and do something with you, since you have so little time together?
You need to voice your thoughts to him. Don't start mixing this girl into it, it's not about her at all. This is about who he chooses to give his attention. The person who's sitting next to him, or someone else on the phone.
I don't see anything wrong with him texting a friend for 30 minutes though. It's just a friendly chat, I've been chatting with my friends for hours at times, I am sure you have as well. And yes, I have done so with a boyfriend in the same room. But you know it depends on where you are in the relationship, and what is agreed to between the two of you. If you and your boyfriend often hang out together, but do separate things in the same room, then why not. Maybe you're reading a book while he plays video-games. It's not different from this, you watching TV and him chatting with a friend.
The two of you need to define what's okay and what's not okay. And then even if this normally is okay, if at some point you would rather he focused his attention on you: you need to tell him so. Speak up. He can't read your mind, and wont know what you need until you tell him.
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