A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 45 and, after being separated for about 4 years now, I have recovered from what was a horrid and long relationship and am almost ready for a new one.The 'problem', if it is one, is that I am very confused now that I've realised I have been getting attention from younger men - sometimes MUCH younger - for a very long time now. I know it sounds strange, but during and after my relationship ended, it's like I was so disconnected from my own feelings that I simply did not REALISE when any man, and especially younger men, were flirting with me. I simply did not think of myself as remotely attractive or sexually desirable - honestly I did not. I went through all the motions of dressing well and grooming, keeping my body in good shape etc etc, but it was like I was a robot all the time, except that I had a very long standing attraction to only one man - no one else - who is four years older than me. I absolutely adored him, but for whatever reason he just didn't make the right moves at the right time and nothing happened. Other than that, not a murmur of desire, on my part, to anyone at all.Then, recently, something happened. I am a lecturer and a 29 year old ex student of mine - extremely bright, mature for his age and very talented - met with me by chance. We had coffee and he told me that he found me beautiful and always had done and that he was far from alone amongst the male students, in feeling that way. He later contacted me and said that he was always very strongly attracted to me and found me absolutely fascinating and wanted a relationship with me. Of course, being me, I immediately ruled out the possibility of ANYTHING ever happening. He does not know my age - he knows I'm older, but I think he is probably thinking I'm about 35, as most people do. I certainly don't want to deceive anyone and I don't actively try to - I just always have had a young looking face and I know I should be grateful but it confuses me now.BUT, what happened after he told me this was very odd for me. It was like I suddenly got loads and loads of flashbacks of times, over the last four years or so, when I realised that LOTS of younger men, including students of mine, had been actively flirting with me and I simply had not even registered it at the time. It was like "the penny dropped", but many times over. I felt such an idiot, remembering all these little incidents and things that had happened - younger men actively chatting me up and me not even realising. I also realised, somehow, that it is true what people say and that I do look a lot younger - at least ten years younger - than I am. I had totally disconnected from the image of the person that I see every day in the mirror.I know this might seem like I am boasting but I'm not at all. I actually felt really confused because, when all these flashbacks came, it really was an 'awakening'. I suddenly felt enormous desire - not for anyone specific - but I just felt suddenly as if a massive weight had lifted off of me and confident to engage in a flirty and sexual way with men again. I guess this was either an 'ego boost' or was just me being 'ready' to see someone new???The thing that I am massively confused about however is this: I really liked this guy who was older than me - if he asked me out now I wouldn't hesitate but I don't think it will happen. And I think in my conscious mind that I really do want a man of my own age or slightly older. My ex was 6 years younger than me and I was with him since my early 20's and it was HARD WORK - I was always in the position of mother, without me realising it - I always was somehow expected to take the lead even though I really didn't want to and he expected me to put up with so much stress and horrible conditions, like an uncomplaining and serving mother figure but also providing sex. I was such an idiot to be with him. In fact, I wanted the opposite, to be guided and let the man 'lead' - I craved this in a partner, to the point of even wondering if I was a 'submissive'. Older men do look at me, but the thing is it's as if they were in the state of mind that I was in - like they've just 'switched off' - not to me in particular, but just in themselves. Also, the 29 year old made it very clear that he likes to take the lead in relationships - and I can sense absolutely that he would, but he is also extremely sensitive and kind and actually shy, but very manly in a way. I know I could literally 'phone him and that would be that - he'd be over in a shot. But because my head immediately said "no way" I am now confused about who on earth actually IS eligible to be a short or long term partner?I am so confused. Should I just accept that I may have to go for a younger man - I've read posts on here that also say that older men tend to want MUCH younger women, which only adds to my confusion, because I look younger and they do act attracted to me but also, like I say, as if they are in "off" mode for other reasons. Should I try to remember that younger men won't all, like my ex, want a 'mother' figure whom they can also sexualise? I mean, he was really messed up in that respect but I didn't understand until after the relationship ended. Or is the point that I should just 'go with the flow'? I'm kinda torn between finally just having some fun and also wanting a steady and very meaningful relationship. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): So Very Confused thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your words. Since I wrote in I have looked online about women in relationships with younger men - some much younger and obviously there are pros and cons, but what impressed me is that there ARE a lot of older women out there who are with much younger men and because the relationship is based on personality compatibility it is strong enough for the age not to matter to them. What appears to be the 'sticking point' is only the social stigma surrounding it, usually with the woman, as usual, coming off worse if the relationship works OR fails. I'm gonna bear that in mind. I am sure you have a great relationship, it's nice to hear of your experiences. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 May 2014):
 My husband is 13+ yrs younger than I am. Trust me he is the one who is large and in charge in our marriage.
Age has nothing to do with personality only maturity and at 45 a man who is 30ish is probably as developed maturity wise as is going to happen in his adult life time.
I personally would NOT judge someone based SOLELY on their age. I also would NOT target an age group.
The only reason I ended up with my husband is because his personality appeals to me... and his broken fits my crazy.
I think that as mature adults, age should not be an issue for the most part.
I suggest that you go with the flow and enjoy any and all attention and just relax... when the right fit comes along you will instinctively know it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): I'm not sure about the age difference, it depends on what you want in a relationship now. It sounds like you want a real relationship now so I would definitely go for someone a little older who can give you that. Not to say it couldn't work out with someone younger but most of the time it doesn't depending on life stages. I don't think it's a good idea to date someone who is a former student because this could affect your employment and reputation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): WiseOwlE, I just want to thank you so much for responding to my post and for taking time to write such a considerate reply.
It was enormously helpful to read this, because I think you very sensitively related to the predicament that I feel I'm in and helped me, in the things you said, to strengthen my understanding of what it is that I'm feeling.
What I really appreciate in particular is your beautiful - and it is beautiful - underlying position on all of this, which seems to be something along the lines that everyone is unique and individual and stands to potentially be loved, and that social guidelines like age are very important for guiding us in our lives but that they don't have to define us.
I understand that you are a gay man and I know in the last decades there have been enormous changes to perceptions of gay men and gay culture - stereotypes and negative judgements are being gradually eroded away. Whilst prejudice and narrow-mindedness towards others does still remain, I think part of what I am confronting at this stage in my life is a new awareness of the sexuality of biologically older women - in history we've only really had the de-sexualised mother figure who, after the age of 40, is 'off the market' and then, more recently, there have been the arguably derogatory categories of MILF and COUGAR, which seem partly derived from porn and its heavy-handed sexualisation of women. My hope is that women over 40 can 'educate' people to go beyond these categories and to begin to see that we are, as you say, sensual people in our own right, with so much to offer.
What you describe after the death of your partner - the auto-pilot mode - is so very similar to what I have been through until very recently. I really am so sorry to hear that you lost your special love. And I hope that you will find someone to be happy with in future. You are right that the best policy is to take people as you find them, and just to see where things lead whilst keeping a "common sense" approach. I do want an older man - and after reading your post I thought "Well, this is from a gay man who really seems to get where I'm coming from so surely there must be a straight man who can relate to me as well !" - but after your comments I think I may just go and have some fun meanwhile, without getting hurt or hurting anyone.
Again, thank you so very much, I really appreciate it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): We're apparently dealing with the subject of age and attraction here.
I am a mature gay man who stays fit and looks years younger, as you do. I have an active and healthy lifestyle, which can prolong your youthful appearance. Most of all, it's your spirit and outlook that shaves many years off your looks. Time at the gym keeps everything firm and sculptured. Looks take you only but so far. We all listen too much to the advertising-media about aging. They would lead you to believe you inevitably fall apart at 40.
You most likely will; if you let yourself go after 30.
You have to keep the mind and body in sync. Both require regular maintenance. Your spirit also shows beyond your looks. You personally have now learned that your age isn't the hindrance we are often told it is. Younger people can be very much attracted to us! You're smart, female, and sensual in your own right.
I had a partner for 28 years of my adult-life. After he passed on, I was detached; and sort of in that same hazy walk through life you experienced. I could function well socially; because I have many loving friends and a big family. However; I was thrust into the dating scene.
That's like being tossed over-board not knowing how to swim.
I was astonished at the flirtations received from younger men. I attributed it only to their need of a "father-figure" or "sugar-daddy." It is factual that many may only seek the company of an older-guy, or woman; who can offer them financial comfort. A nice home, and a shortcut to the things you and I took years to accumulate or accomplish.
I have financially comfortable friends who have had a string of relationships with younger men who just enjoyed shopping, vacations, posh dinner parties, and all the trappings of his success. These young fellows cheated behind their foolish backs, and these men act devastated upon the discovery. Seriously?!!!
Yet they start the cycle all over again with the next one.
That's all about ego and a sense of entitlement. Not feelings.
You should not let yourself be discouraged or disheartened that such things about mature men are a reality. For you, it is only the case "thus far." That does not men forever more. You have more life ahead of you. We expect immediate gratification. Therefore; any wait for someone right for us is a white-knuckling, gut-wrenching, excruciating wait.
There is a right guy for you. Possessing most of those things you want and need; but not everything. On your way to that man, sample what comes your way. He may just be among them. He just may be younger than expected. Your previous experience is enough to give you sensible vigilance and focus as you move forward. Be sure you give yourself time to work all your old relationship out of your system; before you try to start anything new and exclusive.
As for men closer to our ages. Their loneliness is their fault. Sometimes they don't look for what is real, they care more about physical-attractiveness. Seeking trophies. They might even be great looking guys; but they're money makes them all the more attractive, if all they go after are younger people. That's what keeps me level-headed about it all. I want to be wanted for who I am, not what I have; or what I can provide financially.
I don't want to date someone who looks like my son; just to impress other gay men. I'm not ashamed to, if we have the right attraction. I will, if the right feelings are exchanged between us. Yet, reality and prudence will be my guide. Sometimes the heart is foolish, and such control is not always the case. That's being human.
I've been seeing someone a year older than me. I met him quite by accident. I was shopping for spring plantings, and he was full of gardening knowledge. He has huge biceps and rough hands. He's a contractor, and builds decorative stone walls and lays stone patios. He also has a landscaping business. It's fun being able to talk about the things relevant to our own age. He's quite good-looking, and I had no clue he was gay. It came up in conversation that he "came out" fifteen years ago. He hates dating sites and social media. His maturity and simplicity is endearing, and quite refreshing. So I know exactly how you feel about that.
Never let reality escape you. Always let common-sense guide your heart.
You shouldn't let your age be a factor of how you feel about a man. It should be based on how that man feels about you, and how he makes you feel about him. You should always be honest and up-front about your age; so his feelings are based on fact and not fantasy.
You should not redesign yourself to accommodate any man. Nor should you relinquish your power to feel "safe."
Allow him to lead, not control. Always be ready to fill-in as copilot. Submissiveness to feel "safe," is insecurity trying to make it's way to the surface. Your subconscious is just tired of mothering a man-child. Don't let that confuse you. You just want to rest on autopilot and let the man take all control. Careful, you're opening the wrong door there.
You can be vulnerable, without being weak. You're emotionally exhausted, and that's what you think you need.
It isn't the sort of thing you would need consistently; or over an extended period. You may feel that way now, because of your breakup; and how it took it's toll on you as a woman.
I do maintain a limit age-wise for practical reasons. I want to be able to relate to the person on several levels. I want to feel at ease that the attraction isn't limited to a weird age-fetish; or fascination based on curiosity, or experimentation. So just be careful where you place your feelings. Carefully evaluate where the young man is leading you once you start dating him.
Allow the attraction to be based on substance and maturity; and it will offer you what you need. Don't rule it out, if the attraction is purely physical. Make sure you're both always on the same page. Limit such attractions.
Too many are unhealthy in many ways.
Continue to make yourself available to men in the age-group you prefer. Don't form cynical or set views about more mature men; because some lead you to believe all they want are thin younger girls with perky breasts.
We mature men actually do want people closer to our own age. Many many men do go through a period in mid-life, where they want to prove they are still virile, and able to attract and have sex with younger women. It makes them feel more in control and desirable. It heightens a sense of power by having his pick of the cream of the crop. It is paying tribute to his success. Boosting his ego and flaunting power. Such men are mostly appealing to selfish narcissistic needs. Some don't have a pot to piss in, a big ole beer-belly; but still think they're God's gift. All they have to offer is drama and annoyance.
Fighting the reality that age is gaining on him; so he feels he should refuse to give up what his ego demands. Younger pretty women. Although, he himself is aging.
Fight and defy it as we may, age comes upon us just the same. We should not be prejudiced against those who are the same age. It's stupid and defies logic. They face reality sooner or later. Real happiness will evade them. Not that they can't be happy with a younger woman; only if he only seeks younger women with prejudice and disdain towards mature women. Such a heart is in the wrong place.
Enjoy dating younger men; if they show the level of emotional and intellectual maturity you like in men. You need only date men you feel good to be with, regardless of age.
If you are searching for something meaningful and long-term, my personal rule is being open-minded and patient. I enjoy each man I meet for what he offers as an individual, and I appreciate his attention and time. I return the favor with being the best person I can be; and allow myself to give back what he offers that makes me feel desired, appreciated, and cared for.
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