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male
,
anonymous
writes: I'm in a pickle. I'm a college student and am gay, but closeted. One of my friends throughout college has been an openly gay man. We are the same age and have been friends since the beginning of college. We are extremely close, and I've always thought of him as one of, if not the only, best friends. As our friendship has continued, I've come to realize that I think I have feelings for my friend that go beyond just platonic friendship. He's an amazing person and we never fail to have fun, just his company makes me feel good like I've never felt before. I've struggled with my sexuality since the beginning, and was too scared to come out as a teen. By the time I got to college I felt like I trapped myself by labeling mysefl as a straight man and I've just never been brave enough to admit to everyone that I lied (more that I'm emberassed I hid it so long than of the fact that I'm gay). I don't know what to do now. College graduation is around the corner, and although I know that I'll remain friends with this person among all my other good friends, I'm worried that I may miss my chance at something more. I have never dated men, and I'm not exactly sure how to pickup signs that someone is in to me. But, sometimes I feel like there is something more special between us than friendship, sometimes the way we just catch eachother's smiles seems to me that we have a deeper understanding of eachother. Other times just the way he says my name or winks with a smile when something funny happens, it seems like he's being affectionate to me. I know he's a great friend, and I think he'd be supportive of me if I came out to him regardless. I'm just worried that if I tell him that I've begun to have feelings for him it might make our friendship awkward, and while it wouldn't kill me to not be able to have a relationship with him if he's not interested, to ruin the friendship we have now with awkwardness would absolutely crush me. What do I do?
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male
reader, gay4life  +, writes (19 December 2010):
if you say you two are rly good friends (like your best freind)just tell him "hey man im gay/bi and for a whle ive had my fellings grow on you" two things can happen one he well say well thats cool ive kinda liked you two or secound he will just say wwell thats cool but i rly like you as a friend. im only 13 and i like my friend too i told him and his bi but rly didnt want to date me but were still great friends almost brothers so it dosnt hurt to try it...
P.S. anymore questions email me at [email address blocked] (sub as question about my friend)
good luck and hope it works
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): I think it's best if you tell him. I'm confident in my position, not only because I recently found myself in such a predicament, but because of what my actions resulted in. I, too, fell in love with my best friend; I think I loved him for more than a year, even though I knew him to be straight. Eventually, my affection towards him reached an unbearable level of intimacy, I found myself thinking of nothing but him: he became my drug. When my grades began to fluctuate, I decided it was best to tell him, hoping that the cold reality of his rejection would jolt me back to my senses. Indeed, I was rejected; indeed, I was jolted back to my senses. We still remain ridiculously close, and I'm much better off than when I kept quiet about it; I may still love him, but believe me, it's better this way. It's different in your situation anyway, since your best friend seems to have a thing for you, at least that's what it seems like from your description. Tell him, I have never regretted telling my best friend, I know I would've regretted not telling him.
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A
male
reader, been there done that +, writes (6 May 2006):
Hey there firstly don't worry!!
My brother reciently came out and confirmed suspicians we all had about him.
My mum found it very difficult in deed saying things like its all my fault for being so protective when he was a baby, not having enough males around etc etc. All I can say to that is CRAP!!!!
If you're gay you're gay so what, it doesn't change your personality just your preferences sexually. Dont be ashamed or affraid, your friends will be there for you if they're true friends, and lets face it will all only need the true, honest friendships.
I would say go for it, let your friend know that your gay also and that you have found it tough, difficult etc to come out, and that he is only one of a handfull or the only one who knows. He's more than likely been through the same or very simular experoences so will understand.
I wouldn't recommend confessing your love for him just yet give him a few weeks to himself after telling him you're gay. If you ever go clubbing/pubbing together see how he reacts towards you, if there are any changes which may be a more deffinate sign of his feelings towards you. Don't try to rush or force your feelings on him as will just make him run away.
Just remember regardless of sexuality it's always difficult to make that first move.
Good luck, and let me know how you get on!
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A
female
reader, FLorida +, writes (6 May 2006):
Well there are a number of things you should do. You have already taken the first step by admitting your true feelings to yourself, instead of keeping the comfort of denial. It is a struggle, as you mentioned, but becoming comfortable with who you are as a person, which includes your sexuality, is the most important thing for you right now. Next, you should come out to someone (not necessarily the guy you are considering dating) you trust. By doing this, you will be out to someone other than yourself which makes it more real, and they will also help you with this situation, as well as others that might come up.
About this particular friend... I would make this a two step process. First, I think you should just tell him that you are gay. His reaction to this information will help you judge the way he feels and will help guide you as to what to do next. Even if he is harbouring secret love-like feelings for you, he would never openly say or admit to them without having digested the fact that you are gay, adn thus not a forbidden, or unattainable crush.
Good Luck! :-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2006): HI THERE.
Believe you me, I know exactly how you feel, when you're trapped in a situation and your afraid to say something, and feel like you'll be the social outcast.
However i think that if you and your friend are such good friends as you state, I think you should say something instead of wondering what if.
But i advise that you don't just come out and say, "I'm gay and I have feelings for you!"
Make suggestions, and ask him what he would look for in a partner, and what he likes, and his dislikes, once you get his reaction then you can judge it on that!
Be open with him, as he might even have feelings for you, but is afraid to tell you, as he might think the same way you are, he might be afraid that you're going to be uncomfortable.
I wish you all the best.
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