A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a gay man and I'm in love with my best friend (male.) He's a pretty masculine guy by the way. When I first got to know him, he seemed pretty anti-gay and homophobic, but as time went on, he gave me signals that made me think otherwise. After 3 or 4 months it was evident we were best friends. One time when I was on his computer, I noticed some gay and bisexual sites and searches in his URL bar... like gay dating and gay porn. This proved to me that he was bisexual. I'm 100% sure he's bi (not gay) because he also talks about past girlfriends and straight sex and such.About a month ago when we were out for a drive, I came out to him and he responded very nicely... He told me explicitly that it doesn't matter to him if I'm gay or straight and that he'll love me just the same either way. It made me feel much better, but he didn't hint at his sexuality at all!We've done some non-sexual things that most straight guy friends wouldn't usually do together like share beds, go out to eat, and shop together etc... pretty frequently.I love him to death and hope for the best relationship possible... romantic or not... sex or no sex. I want to tell him about my feelings for him, but am very uncomfortable about it. I'd be the happiest guy alive if this turned out to be a serious relationship though. I wish I could just straight up tell him that I'm in love with him. What should I do?! Which angle should I address this from!? I'm completely lost in this situation and wish there was a simple solution. I'm just scared of damaging our friendship... he's the best friend I've ever had. Any advice would be appreciated.
View related questions:
best friend, gay porn, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Find a good time.. and then tell him how you feel. Or ask him about his sexuality and if he's ever had a crush on someone he has as a friend... *hint hint*.
You should make your moves before he ends up in a relationship with someone else! But, you should also make "moves" if you know what I mean. Don't just bluntly tell him as a matter of fact. Romance him. Seduce him. Dress up nice, wear something he likes etc. Watch movies together just you and him with the lights down, or have a few beers together etc. Do things like that and check his response to your moves. Positive responses: keep advancing. But you'll need to confess to him one way or the other at some point, or else you'll go the rest of your life thinking "what if".
If you do get positive responses though.. and he's not "out" yet, you might have to just go sloooow and give him tons of time to consider this. You haven't heard him talk about relationships with other men, so you'd probably be the first, and it could be a situation where he isn't sure of himself or what he actually wants. So be patient if it comes down to it. Maybe he'll turn you down now, but then in a year or two he'll realize he loves you and come back to you. It happens, so don't lose faith! If it's meant to be you'll find your way back together.
A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (1 May 2012):
 WAIT! Hold the brakes there, pal. Before you come out telling him you're in love with him, let me explain a few things to you.
1. "I noticed some gay and bisexual sites and searches in his URL bar... like gay dating and gay porn. This proved to me that he was bisexual." This is something I've always been afraid of my friends finding out about me. My ex girlfriend LOVES to look at gay men and gay women porn. She also visited a few gay dating sites. This was when we were very open with our interests. She admitted to me that she thought gay men were sexy and that she would love to see them in the act. I straight up (no pun intended) told her that I hope she wasn't thinking I would participate in her little fantasy. Well, point is, he probabaly has a friend or a girlfriend that has the same interests as my ex's. You'll never know for sure just by looking at his computer.
2."He told me explicitly that it doesn't matter to him if I'm gay or straight and that he'll love me just the same either way." Now this I have done before to one of my gay friends. Not the 'love' part, but I did tell a gay friend of mines that I didn't mind what his sexuality was as long as he never hit on me.
I'm not a homophobe so I hang with pretty much anyone that knows their boundaries and can have a harmless fun time with. My straight, homophobic friends pick on me for this but the same ex girlfriend I had, she had a gay brother. We hung out a few times and he seemed pretty normal so I realized that all gay men weren't trying to hit on every straight guy they met. . .until he hit on me, lol. I politely told him that I'm not into guys. I'm a bit wary around him now but we're still cool. My point is, a good friend is just that, a good friend. He'll still be friends with you no matter your sexuality.
3."We've done some non-sexual things that most straight guy friends wouldn't usually do together like share beds, go out to eat, and shop together etc... pretty frequently" Most straight guys WOULD go out to eat and shop together. My buddy (straight) and I (also straight) go to HotTopics all the time and shop for shirts and cool belt chains. We also go out to Denny's, McDonalds, and morning cafe's when we're in the mood. We've NEVER shared a bed before but he has crashed in my room when we pulled an all nighter playing video games.
My point is, guys tend to do a lot together when they're having a lot of fun. We don't really think about it being gay because we know that we're good pals that just enjoy each other's company and horsing around. Some friends even go as far as having sex with the same girl. They argue that they're not gay because a girl is involved, lol. I personally couldn't handle seeing one of my friends naked and up close.
The only indicator that your best friend might be gay is that he shared a bed with you AFTER you came out to him. That's something a straight man would never do. But one of the worst things that could happen to a straight man is his best friend confessing his love for him. That will ruin the friendship.
I'm sure you're aching and dying to tell him how you feel but I beg you to be sure first before doing that. Ask him if he's curious about other guys. When you two are walking together, try to hold his hand. Don't do it suddenly. Pretend like you accidently brushed the back of your hand against his. It happens with me and my friends all the time. I pretend not to notice. When you've gotten feedback like him not putting distance between you two, brush his fingers with yours. If he still doesn't move away, gently take his hand into yours and hold it. Observe his reaction. If his hand lingers in yours then there is definitely a bit of curiousity on his side. If he snatches his hand away (something most straight men would do), then you know his sexual preference.
It's a lot more subtle than telling him you're in love with him. This method also carries a bigger advantage of not demolishing the friendship. I'm rooting for you. We all need a light at the end of our dark tunnel. I hope you find yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, daniellexxxx  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Hi.. Sounds like you friend is bi. Maybe he is just scared at telling you how he really feels or maybe he's in denial..
He obviously cares a lot about you and you do same.
If you really want to tell him you love him maybe write him a letter least that way it would save embarasmeant for the both of you face to face.. Or pluck the courage and tell him to his face. You don't want to loose him to someone else bacuse you where to scared to tell him how you feel.! :)
...............................
|
