A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday I used my boyfriend's ipad (with his permission) and came across a search for a porn site. When I clicked on his history to see more, I saw that he watches porn (alot of it) every single day. There were at least 50 links per day, and seeing as we have been home together for the past few days, he's been doing it when I was in another room.I don't have a problem with porn per se, and he has told me before that he liked to watch it occasionally. But it's obvious he watches a ton of it every day. Anything in balance is fine, but his use of porn is extremely excessive. Also, I know he likes some hardcore stuff (anal, squirting etc) as he's admitted it. But the stuff I saw was more extreme - hardcore anal fisting, transvestite porn, "granny" porn, shemales.... I just don't understand it. It makes me sad, although I'm willing to try to understand. The biggest issue for me is that when I confronted him about it, he outright lied. He said the only reason it's on his ipad is because some friend keeps sending him links on facebook that "automatically" open in his web browswer. I could believe this if it seemed even slightly true, but I know that it's not. He searched in google for "----" (website name removed by modertor), and has bookmarked pages as favourites and saved a lot of pages in his "read later" favourites. But he still says this must have happened automatically when those pages popped open.He said he hasn't watched porn for months and when I said he story was unbelievable he got angry with me for not "trusting" him. He said he can't be with someone who can't trust him. In other words, he turned it all around back on to me. I love my boyfriend, I am four months pregnant and we are excited to be moving into our new rental apartment tomorrow. But now I feel sick about everything. I can handle my boyfriend watching porn occasionally, even if it's a bit hardcore. But this kind of extreme stuff (granny porn?!?) and the fact that he outright lied to my face, really hurts me. It makes me wonder what else he can lie to me about. Early in our relationship, before we had decided to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend (but had decided to be exclusive), I found some texts to and from a female friend of his. They were suggestive and it was obvious they had been together at some stage, possibly before we met, but they were still in contact and sending dirty texts to each other. When I confronted him, he deleted her number, her FB and said she was just a friend and had never, ever been with her. I always felt he was lying, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now I feel more sure that he was lying, and wonder what else he has lied about. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. What should I do? I am four months pregnant, and we love each other. He's a very devoted boyfriend, we spend all our time together (especially since I've had morning sickness, he never leaves my side). We have talked about getting married and having more children after this one. We are really in love and besides this, everything is close to perfect. Well, except for the fact that he's quite a jealous person and doesn't like me having male friends. I don't know what to do. I love him and want to trust him, but this has really shook me. I want to do the best for my baby, but I don't want my child to grow up with stress and arguments. I just wish he would be honest about everything, but he makes me feel guilty for questioning him. Help!!!
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 So, you snooped and now can unilaterally decide what is excessive? Why even stay with the guy? You've already decided he's unworthy for looking at internet vapor. Good luck. I hope you find a father for your child make sure he's a solid guy that is not curious as to the doings of others.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): Sorta late seeing this one, but you've had some great advice already
I just wanna add that if I caught my boyfriend up to watching granny porn, i'd be thrilled... means he won't find me ugly when i'm old and wrinkly :P
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (18 July 2013):
 I have a collection of links on this subject that I compiled for this site, please look through them as I believe they may help you:
http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-what-happens-when-kids-grow-up-on-unlimited-access-to-pornography?
http://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/11/the-problem-with-porn/
http://www.antipornmen.org/2012/03/30/supply-and-demand-our-insatiable-appetite-for-porn-is-fuelling-the-exploitation-of-women/
(in the middle of the right bar there are links to the entire series 1-11):
http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2008/04/12/why-porn-isnt-cool-part-1/
http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2008/02/does-pornography-help-or-hurt.html
http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2008/07/porn-addicts-ten-tips-and-advice.html
http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2007/04/porn-and-intimacy.html
http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2008/07/maladaptive-nature-of-pornography.html
http://www.antipornmen.org/
http://yourbrainonporn.com/
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/Science/Articles/PORN-and-RELATIONSHIPS/
http://antipornfeminists.wordpress.com/whats-wrong-with-pornography/
http://www.oneangrygirl.net/antiporn.html
http://www.socialcostsofpornography.com/Bridges_Pornographys_Effect_on_Interpersonal_Relationships.pdf
http://vaw.sagepub.com/content/16/10/1065.abstract
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A
female
reader, eri_sunshine  +, writes (18 July 2013):
He may be lying to you because he's afraid of you getting mad at him, or because you might feel insecure because he watches porn. To be honest, a lot of people look at hardcore porn without getting turned on by a lot of it- for example, he may have seen links to"granny porn" and thought hey, what the hell, I need to see what this is. I would explain to him that you won't be angry with him if he doesn't lie to you and explains himself- tell him that you do trust him and love him, but were just put off by this. He might be embarrassed that you found this out. He seems like the kind of person who's lying to you to avoid you being angry at him, and he isn't giving you much credit- rather than assuming you'll be angry at everything, it's much better if he just tells the truth in the first place. Explain this to him. If he still denies it, then move on and forget about the incident if you can- watch for other signs of lying, but it seems like you two are happy together otherwise. Every relationship has issues like this, and they can either go away on their own as you learn to trust one another or they need to be talked out, as trust is one of the most important things you need.
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