A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:My boyfriend of 1 year seems pretty blase about "us" until I look upset. It's very obvious how much I care for him. I just don't get the same enthusiasm about our relationship from him, that is, until I'm feeling so unappreciated that it is obvious to him that I'm upset. I can't continue this cycle. I was so incredibly happy when we first got together. I know the honeymoon's over, but why should I have to get emotional to be appreciated in this relationship? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (26 September 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks all. We talked. I think he holds back because he's unsure about the direction of the relationship. I think he wants it, to a point, but he is also concerned about settling down too early. I can appreciate his concern. I don't want him to regret life because I tied him down too soon. (I'm 36, he's 24) I'm afraid that by talking with him about this, he's rethinking where we are. I pray to God that I haven't screwed up a good thing by talking with him about this.
A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Just sit down with him at a cafe or restaurant, and have a coffee. Then talk about it. If he doesn't want to listen or wants to change the subject, it might be a sign that he doesn't care what you have to say.
That's the best way you can test this. If he doesn't listen to you during conversations, he doesn't love you.
That's the way a lot of guys are though. They want people to listen to their side of the conversation, and they want what they want, but they're not too concerned about what others want.
He sounds like he doesn't appreciate anything in life (including the relationship).
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Good luck with that. I felt the same way when I was dating my boyfriend. Now that we're married it's no different. You just have to decide if you want to be the one who gives all the time, or if you should be with someone who does the giving. I've had both and both have their good points and bad. Women tend to take for granted the men who worship the ground they walk on. There's just no ying to the yang and we quickly get bored. On the other hand it can be quite frustrating, always seeking the approval of one who seems to be less invested in the relationship than you. There always seems to be something to strive for but you have to be pretty confident otherwise. Men like this do not build your self esteem. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): I don't know either of you, so its hard to say who is at fault here, what exactly do you mean by 'enthusiastic' about the realtionship? One year isn't very long for a relationship, so if you think you should be having discussions about marriage, children, moving in together, things like that, it might be a little too soon for your partner. On the other hand, if by under appreciated, you mean that your partner puts no effort in at all in any of the normal ways, and doesn't seem to care that you put in the effort, then you two have obviously got two completely different views about what you want from the relationship. Some people just aren't very romantic or vocal about their feelings. You should talk to him about what you want and need out of the relationship, and if he doesn't want to change then you will have to move on.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Fundamentally you're more into him than he is into you. There is no such thing as perfect equality; someone always does a bit more than the other, because fundamentally they have more emotions invested in the relationship than the other person, or are naturally self-sacrificing and more generous. My suggestion: have a sit-down with him and tell him in detail what is bothering you and what you expect of him in the future. Make a list of what you want from him. While you're waiting for him to implement changes, you need to stop doing all the little things you normally do. He should not be rewarded with your generosity until you see a change. If nothing chances, you'll know how important your wants are to him.
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