A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like your advice on this please. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for a couple of years. Sometimes when we weren't together, i looked at his page, as he had an open profile, and i saw some comments to a couple of girls that i didnt like the sound of. Some were flirty comments to a girl he fancied in college a few years ago, and another was saying he wished he could talk to someone one on one about something and wished he had the confidence too. We are together now, and, although i probably shouldnt have done, i logged into his facebook account. i managed to guess his password. he didnt have any messages in his inbox, but i was shocked and upset by what i saw in his sent messages box. Last year, he sent a message to the girl he liked at college to ask if she was ok as her relationship status had changed on facebook. There was also a message to a girl who, he told me, used to go round to his house just to use his internet, as she didnt have it at the time. she was a firend of his next door neighbour. he put that he fancied her, but thought she was out of his league. i didnt read the whole message. there was also a message apologising to another girl for something he did at school, he didnt say what. and there was a message to his neighbour ( the one i just mentioned ) asking if she wanted some tlc from him . they were the only messages i had the chance to see, i didnt have time to read through everything. the last message was sent in october last year, everything else was before that, of course. we have been abck together for a couple of months now.I have had a go at him over his ways with other women before, and he has had a go at me saying i shouldnt keep bringing up the apst, and tha tit will affect our relationship. he thinks i have only seen his comments, he doesnt know that i logged into his account. also, once, he put " i'm single, any takers ? ", as his status, and hea dmitted to me tha the put tha tbecasue he was upset and angry at me,a nd wanted to get back at me. at the moment, he has put that he is in a relationship , and put my full name underneath, so everyone knows who he is in a relationship with. his relatives, anda couple of his friends, put that they liked it. one friend wished him all the best and said he deserved to be happy.as far as i am aware. none of the other girls he wrote to liked him back though, in tha way. i'm not entirely sure though. the girl he liked at college has a child with someone else too.he has done thigns that make me think he loves me, such as, he is very caring and considerate when we do anything sexual, he has bought me presents, he's eager to see me a lot, e.t.c, but i cant help worrying that he might act the same way again if we fall out or something. i am 26, and he will be 25 later this year. i love him so much, and i really want things to work out between us. i wish i could just forget the past, but i may need counselling to help with this. i think my insecurity and anxiety comes from my childhood. i was bullied at school, no boys fancied me at all back then , if they did, the ydidnt say so. They preferred the brash types. the woman who he said he fancied had photos of herself on facebook in just her underwear. she looked like the brash type, and i heard once that she got in trouble for dangerous driving. I, only the other hand, am pretty quiet, although i have a good sense of humour, and i'm not brash at all. we even look completely different in colouring, size,e.t.c, so how could he like someone like her, and someone like me ? .He has said that the thinks we are well matched. we do have a lot in common, and even our families think we are well matched.I'm worried because this neighbour, who he asked if she wanted tlc, still lives next door to him. she even asked if i was his girlfriend recently, as she had seen me go to his house. i know she has a boyfriend though. he apparently hasnt seen her friend, who he fancied, for a long time, and he said she hadnt been around to his neighbour's house either.I'd really appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): i spoke to him last night, i didnt tell him about me logging into his account, and he told me that the girl he used to fancy stayed at his house once, on the couch. he didnt say anything had happened, but i saw a message that said the girl he fancied was only interested in him when she was drunk, and that he didnt want to take advantage of her when she was drunk. it upsets me that he only didnt do anything with her because she was drunk, and not because he still liked me. i guess its good that he was honest about her staying at his house on the couch, but why did he not tell me the rest ?. Bear in mind he asked me back a lot when we were broken up, so he may have been asking me back at the same time he liked her too. Apparently, she only went to his flat a few times, and like i said it was about a year ago now, so he might have only liked her briefly anyway, and he hasnt seen her at all for quite a while.I still dont understand why he has to have the ther girls on his firends lisst if he doesnt contact them anymore, but i guess as long as nothing sexual is happening with them there is no harm in it.I'm trying to put it behind me now though , since nothing has happened since me and him got back together recently.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): do you happen to know of any free online counselling sites, where i can perhaps email or something, just incase i do feel that i need more help ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): i also said that we have to be honest with each other and not have secrets, and he agreed, so we'll see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): i'm just shocked that he fancied someone who was so different to me. she's the sort of person who goes out drinking a lot, got in trouble for dangerous driving once, and ahd photos of herself in her underwear on her facebook page, as i said. apparently, he has never fancied his next door neighbour though ( her friend ) and he hasnt seen the girl he used to fancy for nearly a year. see did go to his house, but apparently, nothing happened. i'm working on geting help with my insecurities and i'm trying by best not to bring the other women up. it's the birthday of the girl he used to like at college tomorrow though, and i'm hoping he wont speak to her. i guess i shouldnt tell him not to speak to them or be friends with them but i cant help it. he said he wont speak to them but i'm not sure if its becasue he doesnt want to or if its just for my sake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if we were together nay of the times when he sent the messages. its hard to think that far back. there were a few messages from the end of 2007, some from 2008, and last year. we werent together for the majority of last year, when he wrote to the three girls i mentioned here, but he sent messages to other girls before that too. it looked like they were just messages asking how they were though, so may have been friendly, and one was to the girl he apologised to for something that he did at school, although he didnt say what. and , as i said, he admitted that he said " i'm single, any takers ? " to get back at me, and yes, that was because we werent together. we were together some of thet ime in 2007 and 2008, so i'm not sure if we were together when he sent messages then or not. It was all a long time ago , i know, but i just hope it wont happen again. i worry about us even having the slightest fall out now.
i'm just hoping that i'm the one he genuinely loves though. yesterday i even said that the has never said he fancies me, although he ahs said he loves me, and he said " well i more than fancy you ". He has said i'm lovely, gorgeous, sweet, e.t.c though too.
i still dont understand why he has to keep those girls on his facebook page though, although now, its just the neighbour and the girl from college out of the three i mentioned. the girl he used to fancy who went round to his house has deleted her facebook page altogether, which , i must admit, i am relieved about !.
about the girl from college who he used to like, do you think he really only wanted to be friends with her ?. he said he doesnt speak to her at all now, and he was telling the truth when he said he hasnt spoken to her for months. i know for sure he hasnt on facebook anyway. the only messages he has in his inbox now though are from me.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 "Herein there be dragons..." This is the danger in some forms of fact-finding. You may not like what you find. You state that you're on again/off again with your B/f so how much of this has gone on while you were with him? If this went on whilst you were "off", can you really blame the guy for trying to seek out some companionship or female attention? It seems as though you're treating this as though he went behind your back in the present. If it's not in the here and now, then you need to realize that. If it's behind you now and he's with you, then you're allowing unrealistic fear to invade your mind and you'll soon sabotage your relationship.
Was he in fact single when he indicated "I'm single, any takers"? Was that a lie? If it wasn't, why blame the guy for trying not to be? You got what you were looking for, I think. But is this all in the present/while he was with you and you were "on"?
If not, leave it where you found it. Straighten-out your head in this and I think you'll be fine. Unless you see this neighbor girl making a move after she knows you're "on" with your B/f, then I wouldn't be too concerned. Same goes for him.
There's enough going on in the present without adding the imaginary to it!
Use the ol' noodle, girl!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): sorry for the spelling mistakes, i typed it really fast !
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