A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Can I firstly say thanks to everyone who reads this questions and reply. Please don't judge me as I'm finding it hard hence why I'm asking for advice. Il try to cut it short. Me and my boyfriend started dating when I was only 16. Five years later everybody thought we were a couple for life, we were very much in love. I then started university and became friends with a group of girls. I normally spent all my time with my boyfriend after losing touch with my girl friends at 19 when we left school, I got a job and many of them moved away to various university's. I guess I hadn't realised how much I missed female company. Soon I was spending all my time with them and neglecting my boyfriend. I then ended the relationship leaving my boyfriend heartbroken. He begged me to give him another chance, told me how much he loved me and cried his heart out. I still left. 2 months later I realised what a mistake I had made. Trust me I really did, I didn't just miss him, I opened my eyes. Yes I enjoyed fun with the girls but I loved this man. Truly cared for him. So I went back looking for forgiveness. He had unfortunately found a new life, that included partying, boys nights out, plenty of girls and one night stands. I was heartbroken but understood it was my fault. I could see part of him still loved me and I vowed to win him back. I could tell he was torn, between me and his new life. He also had never experienced the single life in his teenage years, spending all his time with me. This is where I went wrong, I didn't give up or let him make his own decisions. I gave him an ultimatum, me or his new life. If he chose his new life I would be gone forever. (I see now this was very selfish and part of me deserved what happened next.) He chose me and returned into a relationship with myself. At first everything was good and then he became distant. Always out with the boys and I was unable to get hold of him. Then 8 weeks after we had got back together I found out he had been having an affair for 5 of those weeks. I was devastated. He had called the affair off and told the women he had made a mistake and wanted to focus on our relationship. In return she told me about the affair, I guess to get him back for the hurt he caused her. He was a mess. My boyfriend is a good man, with good morals and is well liked and respected in our community. If you asked any person they would probably bet there life he wouldn't be the type to cheat. I guess that's where he shocked himself. My family and his parents were also devastated. His mum refused to speak to him and supported whatever I decided. The only thing she said to me was 'I know he's been an idiot but I can promise you he really does love you, I can tell'. It's been 5 months since I found out. I decided to try and forgive him as I recognise I wasn't a saint in this. I don't condone his actions or believe I deserved that, but I do see this last year wasn't a great one for either of us. I do believe he loves me and I do believe he lost his path and got caught up between me and a different life. I recognise I shouldn't of forced him to get back with me, I know he loves me and would of found his way back to me when he was ready, and had forgiven me for leaving him. These last 5 months he has done everything to make things up to me. I suppose at this moment in time I should trust him more than ever, he's an open book. I have access to his phone, phone account, find his iphone, everything. He gave all of his passwords to me the day I found out. I didn't ask, he promised it would never happen again, not just to me but any women, if we didn't work out. I guess he thought it would prove to me I could trust him. At first it really helped, almost like a safety blanket. Whereever he said he was I could see that he was telling the truth. His phone bill shows everybody he had called or text so I could see for myself (can delete from phone memory but not off your billing statement). He really has proved himself and continues to apologise and reassure me daily. He's completely committed himself to me, told his family how much he loves me and had started saving for a home together. Here's my problem. The trust has gone. I'm a different person, I'm now insecure and paranoid. 5 months on I continue to check his location daily, check his billing statement and who he has been texting or calling. He doesn't complain but it makes me feel embarrassed that this is my actions. I love him, and that is why I'm putting myself through this. How can I stop constantly checking up on him? I want to move forward but I feel like I'm the only thing holding myself back. Last year was a terrible year for our relationship and we both made mistakes. I want to move forward and draw a line but can't let go. I'm scared to tell him to change his passwords, I feel anxious if I don't check up on him. Please help me. I don't want to leave this relationship. As bad as his actions were he truly is a good guy, and had been for the 5 years prior to that. I'm fed up of letting the last haunt me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 January 2015):
 You're feeling this way because all through your relationship and ever since you've known him, you were the only woman in his life. There was never anyone else on the scene, there was no insecurity, no past, nothing. And now suddenly, there was someone else who your boyfriend slept with other than you and not just that, he also cheated on you. You couldn't get yourself to accept that he could even dream of doing that and that someone else was a part of his life.
You keep checking on him because you're not allowing yourself to move on. You're choosing to dwell on whatever happened and you're allowing yourself to get hurt by it when really, you just have to learn to let go if you want this to work. It sounds like he genuinely made a mistake and is really repentant. By doing whatever you're doing, neither are you allowing yourself to move on, nor are you allowing him to move on.
You have two options here and its your choice now. Yes, being cheated on is one of the worst feelings in the world and I know...I've been cheated on. I tried but I couldn't forgive or forget so I chose to leave him and move on. He tried hard as well but once the trust was broken, it was broken.
Anyway, so as I was saying, you have 2 options OP. You can choose to dwell on your past, keep checking on him and gradually drive him away from you because you know it as well as I do, this cannot sustain for too long. OR, you can choose to forgive him and let go of your past and try to gradually move on.
If I were in your place, I would have probably put an end to the relationship because once the trust is gone, I dont think it can ever be re-gained. But that's just my opinion. Whatever you do, remember, its YOUR happiness at stake so think about what makes you happy.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 January 2015):
A sad story but the way I see it, is that anyone can change but it does not happen over night. You will need to start from baby steps, small ones and give up the habits of checking his actions. I'd imagine 5 months of bad behavior seems like a bad addiction now. As you progress you will have to come to terms with everything. Your end result will be to forgive him and most importantly, forgive yourself. Stop blaming yourself for what was, for it has already happened.
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