A
female
age
51-59,
*lejandra
writes:I have been in a relation ship for almost ten years. We each have a daughter from our past relationships and together we have a little boy with Down Syndrome (who is gorgeous). My trouble is that my man is not my man, he seems to be everybody else's man. It's the typical story of philandering and lying. But I also found out that he has been having a relationship with his secretary. He is also the godfather of her child (whom she had with a married man) and in a mail I read from her she says he is her pillar. I am so angry at him it is eating me up inside. The last two years we have been living apart because apart from being a cheat (which I only finally proved and he admitted about 4 months ago) he is lazy and pot smoking. He also likes a drink and he is pretty indolent. However, we stayed together and "tried" to mend our relationship because there were aspects of it that were good (!!). Now I know I have to leave him, and last week I started therapy. I have told the cheat it is over as I cannot bear the physical and intense pain of knowing he has sex with other women, and that at the end of the day, we are all the same meat to him. But I am so angry and I am bitter too. I am 40 and I am angry. He still tries to hang around and calls me "sweetie" etc but I feel cold towards him. I am afraid, however, of slipping back into this abusive relationship. How can I stop myself from becoming a sad embittered woman? (I have a great job, two wonderful children, I am an attractive woman, and yet I have done this damage to myself). Help!!!
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male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 Hi Alejandra. You sound quite strong and reasonably self assured so I don't feel there is too much risk of you slipping back into this relationship.
But to answer you question: Keep thinking and doing the things that will make you feel confident and independant. Keep yourself feeling attractive. Focus on the possibilties of your new future. Start building your new life - whilst dealing with messy present. Good luck, take care - I hope it all works out well for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): I really feel for you on this one. I went thro something similiar to you 2 years ago but thankfully there was no kids involved! I was with my Fiance for nearly 9 years! I found out he was cheating on me with my supposed best friend. My mother had warned me that she had her eye on him for a while but I thought "no, she'd never do anything like that to me"! How wrong was I.First time I found out he begged me to give him another chance which I did but then found out they were still at it so I moved out, changed jobs but he still kept pestering me to give him another chance. In the end I finally moved towns, jobs, changed my mobile number to get free of him. It wasnt the easiest decision but it was the right one for me. He kept ringing my parents house, my brothers looking for me, leaving messages for me to ring him back! It was a hard move but one well worth it to be free of him. I'm with a lovley guy now who I met when I was least looking to meet anyone new. You have your kids to think about in this too so they have to be your first priority above anything else!! Best of luck with your decision...
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 Remember your children. He drinks, smokes pot, runs around with the meat market. What do you want the children to learn? They learn quite a few behaviors from their parents.
The way I look at these situations is, if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be with the other women. Getting back into this situation, you can predict will have a not so happy ending, again.
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