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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife of a few months has told me of some past relationships in which she explained some details. Let me first tell you that she has had intercourse with 4 men including me. She is forty and has been divorced about 4 years from a man that destroyed her self esteem and left her for a girl half his age. He told her nobody would want her, so when the first man came along just a few months being separated from him she ended up in the arms of a man that told her everything she wanted to hear and got the best of her. She told me she was in such a bad way it would never have happened if she was in her right state of mind. When she finally got it together and seen this guy for what he was. (TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A WOMAN IN A DEVASTATED MANTAL STATE)as she put it told him off and sent him away after a month and a half. She started using a internet couples matching service and ended up in a relationship that she thought would lead to marriage. I didn't when she found out this man was lying about many things in his life. I have known her since we were young, as a family freind and we got together when I divorced and we hit it off like soul mates. My huge problem is, even though she has nothing good to say about her past partners she seems to bring them up frequently. This disturbs me, especially the guy who she said was her biggest disgusting mistake that she said her ex-husband drove her into the arms of a creep. She said she went to church for forgivness because this devastated her. She seems insensitive to the fact I don't want any details about her and another man period. I have since told her this disturbs me and she felt bad about it but sometimes she will say something that hurts to hear, then she will see my demeanor change and say "id I say something that bothered you"? Da, who wants to hear how good a bj you gave a guy that had a bunch of woman and said no woman could ever get him off that way but she could?She was proud of that....or how about describing her relationship with a guy as the movie unfaithful....that to me is just flat out insensitive. I told her how would you like if I told you a woman told me I made her orgasm and nobody could ever do that to her? When I told her that she said she was so sorry and felt very bad. The thing is when she askes me about my past and (I only tell her when she asks) I don't volunteer anthing. She gets so depressed of the thought of me with someone else it makes her sick. She tells me she talks out of pain and not admiration and doesn't mean to hurt me. I basically went from a marriage to being married again. I don't think I made a mistake because she is so loving and takes such great care of me and is a fantastic wife otherwise. Am I being immature and how do I get these thoughts out of my mind? Do I say "the past is the past" and she is with me now. Can you let some thing like this go? These thoughts suck and seem to always be there. What's a person to do here. This stuff has me sick.
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depressed, divorce, her ex, her past, immature, orgasm, period, self esteem, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): Thanks for taking your time to help people with problems, I feel like I have no one to confide in with these issues. thank you irish49...she refuses counseling, she said she wants to work through it herself because she has the same issues when it comes to me and the things she wanted answers from me. If it was up to me we wouldnt have told each other anything about what we did with others but she feels it beter this way, she has said it hurts her more not knowing and that knowing things makes her move past it. thanks kerry-michelle I hope your right that time will help us heal. we are so great together, I feel so blessed to be with her. thanks for all your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): No, you aren't immature but you are in pain. I have read your posting over a couple times to really get at the heart of what you're saying. This is what I think. You can take from this what you want. You may disagree but I really think she's trying hard to redeem her past hurts and fears and is talking about it to you, because she trusts you, she loves you, wholly. In her mind, you are her best friend which is good because we want our partners to come to us and be open. But there are just some things that can cause problems. Her big error in judgement, is she's offering too many colorful details and she's 'dwelling' way too much and not moving away from her past pain. It sounds like you are interpreting all this with a sense of self-comparison and inadequacy. Thus the consequences of your feelings are this sick feeling you describe. You are not the person she should be talking to this about. I suggest she get into some counseling to work this out. There obviously have been many past relationship issues that have had strong negative effects on her mind and it's overflowed onto you. Sit and talk to her about this. You might have to be strong and get pro-active to stop this type of talking. Whenever her past rears its ugly head, realize that you can disconnect and walk out of the room. It's your choice. Calmly tell her, this subject is closed and that you refuse to allow it to control your marriage. Before you 'disconnect', let her know, talking about this hurts you and that you feel she has to find another avenue of 'getting this off her chest'. (counselling will really help her) Keep reassuring you that you love her and she can come to you with anything that bothers her, except this. Be assured that there's hope for you and your wife to move beyond her past, to discover a loving future together. If you find that you can't work this out, don't allow it to destroy a good marriage. Get some help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): hi,i've known someone who went thru practically the identical situation as you are trying to deal with and although i agree that you should consider your feelings if knowing about past events makes you so upset i think that this could be worked out. this woman has gone thru so much upset in her life mayb she tells u about her past conquests like the blow job story as she finds that to be what the other men, who btw sound like lowlifes, liked to hear or maybe its just that feels being a sex object is allshe amounts to bcos shes been messed around so much. Now everyone has a past, you cant avoid that and although it does hurt to hear a loved one speak of other sexual conquests i think ths wman just needs time to adjust into a loving relationship after all the bs and hurt she's got from other males.
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A
female
reader, kerry-michelle +, writes (16 February 2006):
 personally i think you should think about you true feelings for her, although you are married to her, it has only been a few months, if you really love her things that have hapened in the past should'nt bother you, give it time and you will soon find that these thoughts that make you sick will go away and your true feelings for her will show.
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