A
male
age
41-50,
*erzwheels49
writes:Dear Cupid I am having marital problems. My wife loves to party. The problem is, she doesnt know when to stop or slow down drinking. Im always afraid she will pass out at the wrong party and god only knows what could happen to her. Im in the military so Im not always around. Plus I am deploying soon, and it will always be on my mind. Thinking where she is, and if she is okay drives me nuts. The problem is, everytime she gets drunk Im always getting on her case about it. This was ongoing for about 6-7 months, and she recently left me 3 weeks ago to stay with a friend. We arent talking and she wont come home. It just seems like she doesnt care anymore but I doubt that is the case with her. I dont know what to do or say to her anymore. I just want her to come home and take care of her responsibilities here. I feel like this is all my fault. I made her hate me by pushing her too hard to stop her drinking or at least control it. I was fed up with it and ended up taking her off my bank account, and went home on leave for ten days which left her locked out of the apartment. Now she is throwing it all in my face. I've been begging her to just come home already. Half the time she wont respond to any of my text messages, and she only answers the phone when she wants too. Sometimes I feel like I should ignore her so she can see how it feels but that wouldnt fix anything. Please Cupid, teach me how to help my wife and our marriage. I dont have much time before I deploy, and I need her here to take care of the dog and to handle the bills while Im gone. Sincerely; Gary
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 February 2009):
The thing with alcoholics is that they have to hit rock bottom before they will realise they have a problem.
I would try and find another family to take care of your dog, and call up all the people you have bills with and see if they can put you on a payment break while you are away, or go to your mum for payment instead. You're American so most places will have some kind of arrangement for the forces as they are all so pro-soldier over there.
In the end, although you love your wife and want her to get better without feeling any pain or going too far.... she is her own woman. You have to let her make her own mistakes for a while.
Tell her how much you love her and that you are arranging for the apartment and dog to go to someone else so she is free to do what she wants. Just keep telling her how much you love her and want her to be happy.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): All you can do is to express your concerns and let her know that you don't want this to be a concern of yours once you are over there. There are no garauntees on how she will act once you are over there. But the only thing you can do is to let her know how much this worries you.
Trust, honesty, and communication are all you can express to her, and hope that she will do the same!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Well, Gary this is a problem. I would like to know how long you have been married...as you did not say, nor how long you knew each other before. Did you know of this problem before the marriage or is it something that seemed to increase after? It is hard to give advice when I don't know all the circumstances. Are you sure the drinking out of control is a problem in itself or is there possibly another reason that you did not mention (?) Is she unhappy about something personal or something in the marriage? You simply said that "she likes to party". Well, most of us do..in moderation. And if you are deployed, she will certainly still want to "party". Listen, why don't you try to have a really serious talk with her,..not harsh or blaming,..but just to see how she feels about you being gone and how she plans on dealing with it. And Gary, I am assuming there is emotional involvement here on your part, i.e., you "love the woman". Do you? Well, then you must make sure she knows this and that you are concerned because you care for her and not just because you are worried that she won't "handle things". And you cannot expect her to stay home without a social life at all...not "that" kind, that is not what I mean. But, she must have women friends that she is close to. Do you know at least one you can talk with and ask to try and watch her going "over the hill" when she may be out and lifting a few. A good friend could be a good help. Anyway, I do feel for your situation, as I am an old vet myself. So, be serious and straightforward and let her know how much you are counting on her while you are gone. My best of wishes, my friend. Tom (Sgt USAF, 1967-1971, Indo-China).
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