A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was dating a guy off and on for about 2 years. I know a part of me will love him forever, or at least I think so. Our relationship was not the most healthy. Lots of fighting,drama, and he had some narcissistic tendencies.It was like a roller coaster. There were good times like in all relationships. The reason I broke it off for good was because I didn't see a future and no matter how much i wanted it to work or things to change for the better, they didn't. We have been apart for 3 months,the longest ever. Hes contacted me a few times since then.and he knows that I have been dating someone new. Here is the problem. The new guy is perfect. He is good looking, thoughtful, selfless, over all no drama and just a really great guy. I know he really likes me and I do like him, as I see there is potential. We have not slept together because I don't feel I am ready. I didn't say this to him directly but he has not pressured me and i think he gets the non verbal message. I am still in love and emotionally tied up to my ex. I don't want too be and i want it to go away but it doesn't. I am so mad at myself over this. My ex and I are never going to work out , I wish I could turn him off in my head. The new guy is so wonderful , truly everything a girl could want in a guy. It is hard to find a 'keeper' and he sure seems like one. I don't want to ruin things but I am also feeling a bit like a wreck with my emotions lately. Advice ??
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 Three months is not a long time, you need time to get over someone and you are not allowing yourself that time. You are still in contact with him and dating someone else to try and get over him, but all that is going to do is hurt this guy that you are seeing. Please do not mess around with his feelings, he deserves better.
You are not over your ex, you need to stop all contact with him, block him from everything and ask him never to contact you again. Then take time. Time alone and single to get used to being away from your ex. Take as long as you need. You will know when you are ready to date again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): Sweetheart, I have to give you some tough love. It might come across blunt, but you're playing with the emotions of another individual. This is damage-control and prevention.
You're not ready for dating. You're not over your ex. You are on the rebound and only looking for a stand-in as a bandage over your loneliness. Using people is unfair, and offering them yourself when you still want someone else is selfish and very unfair to that person.
Cutoff all contact with your ex-boyfriend and continue your recovery from your breakup. Don't drag your baggage and drama into the life of some innocent bystander searching for love. That's cruel, and deceptive.
It comes down to stringing someone along to use as your emotional-crutch and to make your ex jealous. Either intentionally, or by some wild coincidence.
You're setting yourself up. It will end badly once he determines he's being played. You're still at the stage of second-guessing yourself, still obsessing over your ex, and you are playing with the emotions of another person who has no clue what's going on for now.
Let the guy go and stop using him. If he is a good as you say he is, he does not deserve to be used by someone who really wants someone else. As fate will have it, he'll be pulled away from you by his own destiny; because he deserves better.
It's too soon to date other people. A good person deserves the best of ourselves that we can offer to them. Not some slightly damaged version still under repair. Don't take what you can't give back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2016):
 I agree with N91 cut off and block all contact with the ex. It's the only way to eventually get him out of your head and heart.
And going slow with the new guy I think is a very good idea, but... I do think you jumped the gun on going back to dating someone. I say that for two reasons 1. you clearly aren't over the ex and 2. you still see the ex in a positive light. Dating a person with narcissistic tendencies is rarely a "nice" experience.
You mention the new guy like he is a book review of a book you think you should read, but you are still thinking about another book that wasn't that good, but you keep trying to read it. New guy sounds good, but HOW do you feel about him? How does HE make you feel? If you are "just" dating him because he IS a "good quality guy" and not because you are attracted to him, wanting to be with him, thinking of him etc. then you aren't being fair to the new guy.
It's not uncommon for people who have had toxic relationships to miss that drama because it made them FEEL something. And they start to think if there is no drama, there are no deep feelings.
When a tree loses a branch, it doesn't sit there and think about that branch and mourn that branch, no it grows in other aspects and leave behind that branch. I'm not calling you a tree, but if a tree can do that... you can leave behind the ex in the past. No need to keep going back to that dud, not even in your mind.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 September 2016):
 I have a pretty much identical situation to yourself at the moment. I'm finding it pretty challenging at some points too although I'm not dating anyone else, just dealing with getting over the person.
You need to cut all contact. Block him on everything so he can't get your attention. It's hard at first and it's a big step because it's the step showing it's 100% over as there's no way to speak anymore. It sucks, but it needs to happen or you'll be stuck in this situation forever.
You may always have some kind of feeling for your ex, at this moment in time I feel that way a little, like I'll never fully get over her even though things are far from perfect. Some days I think about her a lot and other days not at all. After some time after no contact it will get easier and you'll think about them less.
If you have a good feeling about this new guy then just take it at your pace but you can't let your ex ruin this for you by him trying to get back into your life. If you guys were meant to be then it wouldn't of ended the way that it did, so just keep that in mind.
Hope this helps.
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