A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a lovely girl who I can say is an amazing person. Everything is great except for one thing....she will not have sex.Now we kiss, fondle/touch, and sometimes do oral, but when it comes down to seeing her naked or actually having sex...it's a no go.Now in all honesty I understand why. Issue #1 She used to be formerly obese to the point where she needed bariatric surgery. Now currently 4-5 years later she has lost a ton of weight (I don't know exactly how much). She has lost so much to the point to where she would need surgery to correct her issues. I have gone with her to her consulation appointments and have been well informed on everything. It is too expensive for her (or us really) to be able to afford. Plus she doesn't know if she wants to go through that. Issue #2 she was very abused by her parents. From what I've heard from her and her brother, their parents were always abusive. I have heard her mother in person and on the phone telling my girlfriend she is worthless, fat and ugly, and that she is going nowhere in life. So on one hand I understand her problem and sympathize but on the other hand I am frustrated because I am not getting my sexual needs met. I think for her it is both a mental and physical problem. I need help as I don't know where to turn to. Couples counseling is not my thing. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 August 2015):
 I don't get it, if you guys do oral then you ARE having sex. And you naturally are seeing her naked, if you're going down on her.
Or wait, did you mean she gives you blowjobs, and you don't reciprocate? And you mean you don't get to have intercourse? Oh now, that's a different issue, but don't start complaining about no sex when in fact you are having sex.
I support what the other aunt said. Dude, back down, and be patient. It's not all about you, and as far as I can tell you're getting your needs met, but she isn't getting anything at all. How about you offer more to her in return, instead of keeping the focus on you and yourself? If you say you have oral sex (yes, that IS actual sex), I am sure she'll get more and more comfortable. But it doesn't work if it's only one sided with her giving and you taking. You need to work towards fulfilling her needs as well.
If you don't know what her needs are, try asking her and talking about what she'd like. Maybe a massage, maybe you doing oral on her, maybe just a butt massage for starters. With or without clothes. Playing with one another's hands can be very sensual. You should experiment some and find out what she likes.
In my experience, people have different insecurity zones. Some can be very insecure about their bodies, but let completely loose in bed and not be concerned at all. Others feel fine about their bodies, but are insecure in bed. The one doesn't follow the other. So don't assume she's insecure about herself in bed, just because she's had to work on her body. As long as you feel fine about how she looks, my guess is she'll be fine with you seeing her completely naked eventually.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015): My boyfriend is transgender and he's had top surgery, but not lower surgery, so he used to be comfortable with me giving him oral, but He's no longer comfortable with it and may not be for a couple of years, until he's had the (3 - 5) surgeries to give him what he feels should be there. He still does some things to me, but not often because he's got body dysphoria, depression, anxiety, financial and university stress to prioritise above our sexual desires.I do feel a little neglected sometimes, but I love him to the point where I'm in this relationship to support him, love him and accept that he needs my help and patience more than I "need" anything sexual, for the time being. As long as I get affection, I feel loved and appreciated. If you can't "fix" your "needs" yourself and still be happy in this relationship, then she's not right for you and you're not the boyfriend she needs.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (28 August 2015):
 "So on one hand I understand her problem and sympathize but on the other hand I am frustrated because I am not getting my sexual needs met."
On one hand you understand...NOTHING!!! Hello world...my girlfriend has gone through hell and back. I know why she has gone through hell...but all I need right now is SEX!!! Really???
Here is a word that you NEED to live...PATIENCE. Learning that word and living that word is two completely different things.
You say you have met this amazing girl. Is she really that amazing? Is she so amazing you could see yourself marrying her??? If you answer yes to those questions, then why the need to rush into sex? If you help her get through her issues through patience, kindness, love, and TRUE understanding....just imagine what the sex is going to be like when it happens. When she can truly live without feeling any insecurities.
Most men think they need to have sex to feel love. Why can't men learn to love to receive love, and let sex take it's own course. When a man pours out his love onto a woman, she will bend over backwards to show the same love and more.
Your penis is not connected to your heart...even though it feel amazing and we say...I love this.
Give her time to open up. To see that you love her for her, and not what she has between her legs. If she is amazing as you say, and all you really want is sex...then leave alone. She already has enough to deal with.
If you love her...then love HER. Sex will come when sex is the last thing you are looking for from her. Everything in this world takes time. It took her 4-5 years to loose the weight, it did not happen over night. So have patience...build the love and connection between the two of you. Sex will come at right time.
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