A
male
age
51-59,
*expsych
writes:I really have no one to ask about this. Okay, I'm 40, I've been married, had several relationships, etc. I'm not new to the whole relationship thing is what I'm trying to say, I guess.But, about 2 months ago, our office got a new employee. She's 26, very smart, funny, gorgeous. We clicked immediately. We went out a few times, kissed, had sex once etc. Then we both realized that it just couldn't work on that level because of a multiplicity of factors. Fine, I get that, no problem.My issue is that she calls me every night, and has since we met, and talks to me for hours. I never get bored, it's entertaining and I enjoy it. But I hate being the "gay" friend she feels totally unthreatened by while she talks about other guys. I get really jealous and I can't seem to stop feeling very strong feelings for her. Granted, I know intellectually my feelings are pointless and futile, but they're there. We got very close, very quickly. I feel so torn. She's great, I love her to death. But, the pain I feel when I talk to her is balanced by the fear and pain I feel when we argue and then DON'T talk. Either way, I'm going to be hurt. I have tried for years now to avoid that feeling. I have no idea why I suddenly just opened up. I hate it. Anyway, the question is:Since I'm damned if I talk to her, and damned if I don't, what the hell do I now? BTW, I've had major depression since I was 19, and either choice I try to make only drives me deeper into the dark.
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (13 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. Well, it's not working as well as expected. My phone service is messing up and so we haven't talked for about a week now. I'm obsessing on who she's calling and what she's doing. I can't stop thinking about it because I see her every day. I wonder if I should get another job, because this is really messing me up inside.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Your very aware of your feelings, and this is very important in protecting you in the future. Knowing what you want and don't want, and when seeing what you don't want appear, to save your sanity latter, you must act now to protect it.
Take care!
...............................
A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (8 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the great responses. I really appreciate it. She and I had a very long talk last night, and I basically just laid it all out for her. She wasn't exactly surprised. She's very mature for 26. While talking to her I realized that the person I had liked so much was just an idealized 'savior' that would pull me out of the wreckage of my isolation.
But, I realize that was all just an illusion. She has been very patient and objective. We're going to keep working on our friendship. Both of us are going to try to change the way we interact so that it will be easier. She won't talk about her love life, and I won't worship the ground she walks on. Fair trade.
I keep reading how the friend zone is hideous and that any man that stays in it is an idiot. I can't agree, because I really need a friend like her, and I think it would be foolish in the extreme to just throw away a relationship that can be so rewarding if I just stop being such a weenie about it. I mean, good lord, I'm 40 years old, not 16. I told her also that I've isolated myself from relationships (emotional ones, not necessarily sexual ones) due to pain in the past, and I think she just triggered something that made the emotions I was bottling up just roar out of me.
Anyway, thanks so much. Didn't mean to rant so long.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Men and women each have their needs that need to be met.
What your experiencing, is the pain of not having someone; the emotional connection; the intimacy both mental and physical.
Can you see her as a buddy only? I know it will be hard to, after having sex, the intimacy is hard to turn off.
...............................
A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (6 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and I am deeply entrenched in the "friend zone". I've been told there is no escape from that. She doesn't flirt with me, and we've stopped going out as a "couple" even as a couple of friends. We can go in groups. She's very paranoid about people from work gossipping. It's all very private. I really think telling her how I feel would be pointless at this juncture. She knows. We tried the FWB deal, and that's when we decided it wouldn't work.
As women, what would make you want to talk to someone for hours every night if you weren't dating them? She says it's because I'm very non-judgmental and she feels safe talking to me.
There really isn't an answer other than either waiting and seeing how it will evolve. I'll just have to deal with it. I just wish my freaking depression didn't make it worse.
...............................
A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (6 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick and insightful answers. She's pretty aware that I'm still kind of not cool with talking about other men. But, it's not that she's dating anyone. I just hear about the guys in the office that email her or flirt with her, etc
The problem really isn't her, it's me. She's very open and we've been very honest and open with each other. I guess I just need to deal with it. It's a lot harder than I thought. I mean, I've only known her since February, and you'd think we'd dated for years.
As far as what factors limit our relationship- we work closely together, she's a lot younger, I have children (14 and 16) and that freaks her out, she's very emotionally distant and I'm very touchy feely...etc
We would be horrible in a relationship. You know, I think I'm just being a guy and wanting the physical part as well as the friendship part. Wow, I'm shallow. Well, guess my question is answered. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, lastgirlstanding +, writes (6 May 2008):
tell her that it hurts you, really it sounds simplistic, but don't sit there in agony. tell her that you like her a lot, she's a great girl and all the great things you said about her above and you know it won't work. but while you don't want to be "left out" of a part of her life, ts just too hard to listen to. tell her to give it some more time.
...............................
|
