A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I'm a bit confused about a guy I've been seeing. I met him on a night out and we started seeing each other in January. After realising we were rather different people with very different priorities in life (and after doing a couple of things I wasn't particularly happy about in the bedroom dept), I decided to tell him we should just be friends, as he wasn't making that much effort and seemed to just be interested in the sex part. So after deciding to be pals, I saw him a couple of times for coffee etc and that was ok. He upped the texts too. Then one night we went on a very long walk and really clicked - he almost seemed like a different guy and came across as considerate, interested in me and gave me vibes that he wanted more than friendship as he held my hand for half the walk. I ended up back at his and it was a perfect night. Since that he's texted me most days and I saw him today (like a week and a bit later). We went on another walk but the conversation returned to him and his aspirations which are all a bit far fetched. Whilst I respect that he's got dreams, I don't think he yet realises that planning your life out rarely works (he has a timeline of what he wants to achieve and doesn't regard anybody but himself in this timeline - I tried to tell him my life would be very different if life went like that, cos parental illness and other forces out with your control cannot be stopped). Anyway, he decided to take me to his mums house so we could take her dog for a walk and I ended up meeting pretty much his whole family! Pretty daunting when you didn't expect it, but they'd heard about me and had an idea of who I was. His mum went as far to say it was nice to put a face to a name. What made matters awkward though was the fact he didn't introduce me at all and when they asked him if I was his girlfriend he didn't reply. Whilst I'm not the sort of person who's pushing for a big fat label, I don't appreciate looking like a tit in front of people I don't know.When we got back to his, he decided to get all intimate and stuff and things happened. He then told me that he didn't want anything getting in the way of his future aspirations of working as a labourer on the rigs, but that I was good company and he would keep me close (confusing much?).Feeling pretty deflated and confused, I quizzed him in the car later on what we were... He was taken aback and shocked I asked this, and he just replied that we were more than friends but since there wasn't much urgency in our relationship that he wouldn't say bf and gf... What is urgency in a relationship?? Sorry if that's a daft question, but I'm new to the dating game! He also implied that he needed to feel more wanted/needed and that I didn't ask him to do stuff with him enough. I explained that I'm all for seeing him at any time, but all his grand plans and plans with everyone else make it difficult as he isn't deviating from any of these or looking for ways to fit in a meet up. What's more, it's always me who goes to see him. I appreciate he doesn't have much money, but I've told him he doesn't need to buy me dinner (or anything for that matter, I'm not like that), however, I would appreciate him making an effort to come to see me as he has an unlimited bus card and I'm a student who doesn't have much money either. Sorry for they being long and rambly, but I feel so confused by this whole thing - what does this guy want from me? I feel very thrown by the fact that he suggested (and seemed keen) to let me meet his mum and the others but then be so flippant about everything else and imply that I'm an obstacle stopping him from getting on in his career as a joiner... What's going on here?! It all seems a bit backwards to me... Any thoughts are appreciated, thank you all in advance :)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 I don't know, llifton... I think in fact that it is kind of easy to see things for what they are worth. Except for a few lamentable cases, emitional investment does not cancel your cognitive processes, or impair your perceptions... You can see things... hear things... observe things... understand things... make two plus two four. Emotional investment may mess up things at a slightly later stage : that of wanting something so bad that we are willing to ignore and dismiss what we know and see and touch, and are willing to do mental cartwheels to bend evidence to our expectations. Wishful thinking, I.e. : It's not that we don't get what is going on, we don't WANT it to be true. We want things to be as they should be in our mind, rather than how they are in reality, and for doing that, we are willing to dismiss reality and to make up weird explanations of simple phoenomena, as long as they are more attuned to our wishes...
Something like : the sky is gray, everybody is going around with raincoats and umbrellas, it must be raining. But I just wanted so, so much to go suntanning on the beach today , therefore while I am walking in my sundress toward the beach, and feelings droplets of water on my head and shoulders, I'll say : no, it can't be rain, it must be somebody cryng very hard from the balcony upstairs. Or, some nasty haters spitting at me.
The simplest explanation is always the most probable- and ( hopefully ) our brains and senses do not totally abandon us when we are " involved ". To me it's more a matter of courage , than of emotions ... Of having the courage to stay with what it is, what we see and what we hear.... without looking for a contorted but comforting explanation which would calm our fears and lull us into the false security that everything is going to be as we want it...
I want it to be clear that I am not having a go at the OP nor at anybody else, and that I too have been at times guilty of wishful thinking, and of not being honest with myself, with very unpleasant aftermaths... just like anybody else..
Just that I found out it gets better when you have the courage to admit right off the bat that, yes, you stepped into exactly what it looked like ,and smelled like : a dog shit... it was not "perhaps "some exotic costly brand of chocolate that somebody dropped by mistake ,as it would have been less uncomfortable to believe...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Thanks llifton :) I saw him again last night and told him friendship (with no benefits of sex) was the only way to go with this, as his priorities are very different to mine and I don't need to get hurt like that. And let's face it, nobody needs to constantly hear about how the person they care about isn't involving them in their future plans and is just using them for company/sex on their terms! Swine springs to mind, but as you say, onwards and upwards! Time to find a nice guy who is willing to give me commitment/involve me in his life and not dump surprise visits to his mother on me...
Thanks again,
H :)
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (20 April 2014):
 I meant to say easy. Not needy
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 April 2014):
I understand exactly what you mean. it's needy as outsiders to see things for what they're worth. But when you're emotionally invested, it's another story.
You'll be just fine. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2014):
 Yea, he wants a no strings FWB kind of thing. Because it leaves him free to do whatever HE wants.
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): Hi guys, this is the op here. What you're saying is as I suspected - whilst I'm new to the whole dating thing I'm not a total idiot. I do feel though its hard to see the wood for the trees when it's yourself. Thanks for your help, I'll need to stop this cos it's a bit of a mess tbh and I have too many other issues going on for this to take over. I'm so annoyed at myself for giving him another chance, but I'm good natured like that. Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 April 2014):
You say you are new to the dating game so this explains your confusion , but there's actually nothing to be confused, he laid it out pretty simple for you to get, both in words and actions.
You are good company, he finds you attractive ( and probably personable too ) , and he wants to have sex with you and/ or hang out with you whenever it's convenient for him.
No labels, no obligations, no plans , no committment. Casual dating only. He has plans and programs and you don't fit in them, either long term or short term.
You want him to make "efforts " to see you- but he is not interested enough to make any particular effort for you. If you fit in the plan, great- otherwise ... he will survive.
He did not act very mysterious, what is it confusing for you ?... The mom thing ?... well, it's not as if he had called a family meeting or prepared a special dinner to introduce you to his family. He was going to pick up the dog anyway, and when you have a friend along , you'll introduce her, casually and informally, to whom happens to be there. When asked if you two are together, he did not reply and that's a meaningful silence, it spells out, no we are not . ( Btw , though, no you did not look like a tit to his family, why do you think that ? You looked like a girl who was hanging out with / keeping company to their son- nothing wrong with that ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): This guy is not interested in a relationship. He's telling you that (going round the houses with it) and showing you. He just wants the physical side. If you carry on seeing him this will end in tears. Cut your losses now and see this for what it is not for what you would like it go be...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 April 2014):
He wants sex. That's pretty much it. And he's getting it without the commitment right now, so why should he want to change anything? if he was actually interested and wanted to be with you, you would know. Guys are black and white in that regard. if he wanted to spend time with you, he would. And if he wanted to be with you, he would have made a commitment - goals/dreams or not.
If I were you, I'd stop sleeping with this guy .. unless you are okay with the whole casual thing. But if you're expecting more, you'll just wind up disappointed.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): I think you should trust your first instinct and him and you are just not compatable. He seems to think its fine to have you around for occasional sex while getting on with his life. Only you can decide if your happy with that. If you have genuine feelings for him, then carry on, but keep your options open. If I was you, I would not put any more effort into this friendship and perhaps start looking for someone who does want your company to go out for dinner, experience new things, and who can be a bit less selfish and nurturing of their friends/partners.
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