A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Me a my boyfriend of 4 years have talked about marriage, i wanted to go ahead but he's not so keen. He says he's not in to marriage, what difference is a piece of paper going to make, and that he loves me.Then the other day his friend came around and i noticed he shook his hand,(a bond of sorts) he never shakes my hand.I'm confused, am i missing something here?I've kind of thought to myself if it doesn't mean anything wouldn't he do it just to please me?Am i being taken for a fool? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ricbax +, writes (18 May 2008):
I don't think you're missing anything. You want to get married, your boyfriend doesn't. You want more commitment, but he's happy with the way things are.
The bottom line is that he has to want marriage too. He isn't going to do it just to please you, not if he isn't certain about it. You don't say how old you are or whether you live together already. Do you see yourselves spending your life together, do you see yourselves being together when you're old and grey haired? You can get divorced if you change your mind, but divorce is messy and expensive. It's easier and far cheaper not to get married in the first place.
He's been with you for 4 years but maybe he's not 100% sure he wants to spend the next 30, 40, 50 years with you. Perhaps he wants to keep his options open.
I've no idea what you mean about the handshake thing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): If he's been with you for 4 years it says something, as in 'Do you love me?' 'Well I'm here aren't I'. If your boyfriend was shaking hands with someone, it sounds like someone he is much less familiar with you, who I assume he hugs, kisses and has sex with. So why worry about shaking hands.
If you absolutely want marriage, he has at least been honest with you so you know where you stand.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008):
Q. What is a marriage to a guy?
A. Taking on legal & financial responsibilty for what he already was getting without it.
Even if it's not any big issue and worry in your BF's mind in particular, I think every modern male still has a gut-level sense of what happens when you get married: As a guy, you either stay the same or you lose.
I'm not saying your BF's position is right or wrong. But I'm trying to explain it. Modern society really gives men every possible reason not to want to get married.
One of my male friends used to want to get married as much as any female I'd ever met. I'm serious, he grew up wanting the whole 2.5 kids and the suburban yard. He didn't care too much the wedding stuff one way or the other, but he mainly took pride in doing the mature thing and "tying the knot" when he was about 27 years old.
After he'd been through the process, he came away exhausted & broke & wondering why it was so great. He wanted a decent normal-size wedding, but he didn't want to spend 6 months of free time planning a party (that wasn't even anything like what most guys think is a "good time"). The wedding was a lot more what everyone's parents wanted than what he (or even she) really wanted. And it also cost more money than he makes in a year. I remember he complained that he wasn't sure what the big deal was any more.
Then they got divorced 6 years later when he walked in on his wife cheating on him.
After the lawyers were done, he was still only able to get a 50/50 split of the assets despite earning more money the whole time they were together. He even produced proof of her infidelity and it still didn't help sway the courts in his favor.
So he got 50% of the total assets. And then he had to turn over 1/4 of that money to his divorce lawyer.
Now he's DEFINITEY never getting married again.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 Hi there,
I think it comes down to the whole commitment thing again, marriage means different things to different people.
Your boyfriend is being upfront with you by telling you that he does not want to be married, so it really boils down to the fact whether you are happy to go along and not be married. He does not want to be married some people are happy with this as maybe he feels that getting married with spoil things or it maybe that it is not such a big deal for him.
I know for some people marriage is the final step to total commitment and it give more seurity to a relationship, generally its the next step. Everyone is different.
Sweety, i would not want to marry someone who does not want to marry me, i would want someone to marry me because they want to do it themselves, not to do it because of me, its a recipe for disaster.
I know some guys, who have gone out with girls for 10 years and then walked away, they are few and far between, but it has happened.
As for the hand shake..dont worry to much...its just a male thing i think.
All i can say here is go with your gut, if you feel like something is not right. You need to discuss this further and if you feel someday you would like to get married and he doesnt then i am sorry but at the end of the day you need to do what makes you happy and go find someone who can give you want you want.
Talk with him more, there seem to be a little trust issue here that needs to be ironed out.
Take care
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