| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am confused about my sexual identity. I have been in a few serious hetero relationships. I enjoy and often desire hetero sex. I like men and I like how I feel balanced out by a male presence both physically and emotionally. Many of my erotic fantasies and dreams involve men, including my ex boyfriends. However, I also find myself sometimes struck with a strong desire for a woman. Sometimes, I just see a woman and instantly lust after her. I know if she made a first move, I'd follow suit and go for it. I have erotic dreams with women in them. Once or twice, I had to visualize a woman instead of my boyfriend when we were having a particularly un-engaging session of sex, just so I could continue with him (but we were fighting and I felt sick of men, at the time). I had a close friend a while ago who was openly gay. People referred to her as my girlfriend, though she and I never had any physical experiences. I just felt electric and smitten around her and can still remember the one time we held hands. I was in love. But then, I've been in love with guys before too. I feel more nervous and giddy in love with a guy, and more enchanted and high in love with a girl. I usually can picture myself being with a man in a relationship for the long haul. I can picture myself being very close to a woman (who has more masculine qualities than me) in the long haul, but often I can't reconcile with the idea of having the frequent sexual experiences with a woman that I can and have had with a man, during a relationship. Maybe it would be nice to physically get with a woman every three months...but every day or every other day or even once a week? No. It's like a craving. Not something I would want all the time...but right now...yes, all I want is to go on a sweet date with a woman, to cuddle with a woman, to sleep next to a woman in the same bed, to have a sexual experience with a woman...everything I usually have with a man, but with a woman instead. It's silly, but sometimes I'm afraid to try to act openly interested in women (and just forget about men for a while) because of my family. My family is accepting and nice and not homophobic at all, but I just feel weird thinking of them thinking of me as gay or even as bi-sexual. I feel like they would treat me differently. Not rudely, but differently. I'm definitely not wishing them to disappear, but sometimes I do believe my fear of how my family would regard me is the main reason I avoid trying a different life for myself, if only for a while.The other worry is that I feel like females are a 'safe zone' for me as it is, because I have never been physically and romantically involved with one of them, so I don't have baggage with women, like I do with men. Do I really want to taint both sexes with memories and associations I'd rather forget? (as in all the highs and lows of love/sexual relationships)...I'm afraid if I take some action on this desire, I will not know how to draw the line between friendship and attraction with women. I am attracted to some of my female friends, not in a love struck way like I was with my gay friend, but still attracted nonetheless...I don't want to start to think more about my female friends in a sexual way, like I do about men, even since I started having sexual experiences with men.Am I gay? Am I truly bi? Am I just forever ambiguous? And, how will I ever know? My friend who is gay and who I sometimes wish I could have an experience with, I do not want to lose. Long ago, we were attracted to one another. Since then we've both moved to different places, but I have dreams once in a while about her and they are affectionate and erotic. But, I don't want to lose any friendship I have with her for the sake of experimentation, so she's not an option. I find myself constantly seeing guys I'm attracted to, but I'm so struck when there's a woman I can't deny to myself that I am highly attracted to. There are only a couple of types of women I do fall for hardcore, and they are so few and far between. What do I do with my confusion?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xxInItForLovexx  +, writes (25 February 2010):
Wow that certainly is a long and detailed explanation of your... lets call it "situation". I think really your just curious what it would be like as you were saying you couldnt imagine a long term relationship with another women. Although you mention an immense attraction for your friend it seems like maybe it was just her and women pose as something you deem to be unobtainable(Im not quite sure on the spelling of that) and thats fueling your "urges". If you think its serious then Id say go after your friend, it might turn into something beautiful and could last a very long time.Im not sure what to do about your confusion as mine wasnt a case of choose I just knew girls were what did it for me. Good luck and feel free to email me back with anything else that might be bothering you or if you want me to clarify anything.Take Care,xxInItForLovexx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): It sounds like you are a female Captain Jack Harkness.You are securely bi-sexual. No doubts in my mind. You feel sexual desires for both men and women. You don't have increased desire for one over the other.If you were sexually attracted to women but not so to men (even if you got along well and had deep friendships with men), or vice versa, then you would be considered hetero or gay.No. You feel sexually attracted to certain types of people, male or female. We all have our types.Eventually you'll find the one person who attracts you above all the others. Be they male or female.Flynn 24
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