A
female
age
41-50,
*iriac
writes:New to the site!My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and in June, bought a home together. He isn't very close to his family members(some past issues I suppose) but since I've been in his life, he's made a lot more effort to have family time, as my family are all back in my home county.Everything was going well with family, until one night we spent time with his brother and his brothers wife(their kids were asleep).His sis in law was very drunk and in the kitchen, she told me that she loved my bf.At first, I passed it off as drunken banter and moved on from it and laughed it off.Then recently started thinking about it more often and the more I thought of it, the more I noticed/recalled to memory:1. My bf had told me many years ago he had gone to pick her up as her drink had been spiked somewhere(his brother was out of town)and she was found sitting in toilet with undies down-delusional and very sick...I asked my bf if he had seen anything he should not have and he said no.2. My bf insisted we buy a house 10 mins away from where she and his brother live. 3. Once at her house, she and my bf left where we all were sitting to use the bathroom. First she left, then he....many mins later, they emerged. At the time, this was just after the what she'd said in her drunken state to me, so I tried very hard to not read into it and get suspicious.4. My bf once stood behind her at a family event and started massaging her shoulders a little. I told him I thought that was inappropriate and that he looked oddly super comfy doing it. He then told me I was being insecure and even called me delusional(which hurt me very much) but since then, they high five each other when they greet each other. One time they sneaked a hug in behind my back. Why be sneaky?5. Another time, she texted me and asked if my bf and I had sex in her home, as she had found a condom. This she did indirectly. She lied and said that she and her hubby were looking to spice things up a bit and wanted to try interesting condoms and wanted to know the brand of condom. My bf and I had would never do it in someone else's home. She confirmed the brand my bf uses as what she found.6. She texts him while he's at work and always seems to wander or linger around the area he is sitting or standing, when we are family events.7. She has copied my mascara style(she was never much of a make up person) and wants to grow out her hair, "just like mine"8. My bf had some beef with his brother and they have all yet to come over to see us at the new house. Even after this beef was sorted, he has still not invited them over.I feel as if this is engulfing me. I tried to talk to my bf about this but he makes things worse by accusing me of being insecure or suspicious.I trust him with all my heart but I'm not sure if I trust her. But I also don't hate her and think she's a nice person in general,which confuses me even more.Why be secretive with texting each other when I'm not around and defensive if nothing happened?I can't shake the feeling that something did happen before I was in the picture and that my bf is acting his guilt because I've picked up on the "vibes".I act all fine when we are all together but inside that needling sensation wont go away and its taking its toll on my peace of mind.I need some alternate thoughts on this before I drive myself into a frenzy here!I don't want to suspect anything negative if nothing happened. I don't want my"feelings" to come between me and my bf. i don't want to have to be in complete senses when we are all together (i stay away from drinking etc as my bf thinks that I imagined what she had initially said. I told him that I'm not stupid and that he shouldn't gaslight) I want to stop feeling like he's coming late cos he stopped at her work or something(she works even closer to the house than she lives) or that they texting stuff about me during the day. I want to stop feeling that they might have done something when my bf babysat at their house(due to the brand of condom left there)I don't want to become a jealous, suspicious person with no trust but I also don't want to be the unknowing idiot.
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at work, condom, drunk, insecure, jealous, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2016): Maybe try suggesting you sell the house and move to another area an hour away. You could mention a job opportunity. Start talking about solid future plans. This could test his reaction to moving from this woman. Although many of the things you mention are of her doing the massage incident and his response is the biggest give away of them all that they are already VERY intimate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): I would take caution in committing to a loan or debt with someone I'm not actually married to. If you breakup, one has to buy the other out. If you do decide to leave (or if he does); your credit could be in jeopardy. You may have to assume full-payment of the monthly mortgage payment all on your own to protect your credit. You would not be able to sell the house without his signature; unless he signed over a quick-deed. You have to be sure the property taxes and homeowner insurance is always paid current, assume nothing!
You've only been together a year, and some people have longer engagements than that. I think you moved a little too fast, sweetheart! Be very careful about intertwining finances and debt with someone with whom you have little to no legal-protection under the law. You're very vulnerable as you are now. As his spouse, things would be different.
Sometimes people assume tying each other up in debt could be a way of securing marriage to the co-signer in the future. So so very risky, if not totally wrong altogether.
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A
female
reader, Siriac +, writes (7 December 2016):
Siriac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who responded! I feel so much better getting this off my chest and have some peace since doing so.
I guess I just wanted to know if it's possible that I'm looking for things aren't really there. Could I have read too much into what I've seen? What if she had never said that to me at all, would I still be this suspicious? The answer is a resounding no.
However,I do think that most of the replies were what I've been feeling/thinking I should do.
Wait for more than just a feeling or hunch, without confronting him and have a plan of action in place, should I find out otherwise.
In response to AuntyBimBim,I say I trust him because he has never given me any reason to doubt him.
It's what SHE said that has fueled this line of thinking in my head. I agree with you though, either I can trust FULLY or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): You are not 'imagining' the real gut instinct you feel and honestly quite a bit of evidence already! Evidence aside...when has your gut instinct ever been totally wrong? I agree with all the other replies. I think you need to do there things. 1) Stop confronting your boyfriend that way you can smoke him out. 2) Find methods to get concrete evidence. 3) Plan your exit financially and legally for when (not if) you find out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): Sounds really suspect. Why did you buy a house with him when you've only been together for like a year? :( Get proper evidence that you can actually confront him with otherwise he'll keep saying that you're just ultra-suspicious and insecure. Why do your SIL and her husband have issues, do you know? What can you do about your house?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): You gave a list of things that I find it hard to believe you aren't already convinced your boyfriend and his SIL are having an affair. What can we say that would change your mind when you can describe what you witnessed in such detail?
How would she find a condom that belongs to your boyfriend in her house? It sounds like she's trying to cover herself for something she told his brother, who is probably also suspicious. Thus the tension between them.
I'm prone to believe there is something going on, and she is giving you hints. I would expect your boyfriend to accuse you of being crazy; but their actions seem to be piling-up as evidence against them.
I think it's more important she expresses her love for husband rather than your boyfriend. Massaging her shoulders is inappropriate. You have every right to confront him on each and everything listed in your post. If he dismisses it, then decide whether his denial is indisputable. You don't always have to catch them in the act to know people are cheating. Texting her about you sort of gives you enough reason to confront him about that, if nothing else.
You also have to consider that she may be setting-up your boyfriend to look guilty, or to expose him. His innocence is questionable if he massages her shoulders, and she incidentally found one of his condoms. That sounds soooo much like she's letting you know they're doing it.
Personally, three-strikes and he's out! You allowed more than 8!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 December 2016):
 How can you say you trust your boyfriend with all your heart when you are so suspicious? You list a whole lot of examples of what you appear to believe are reasons to be suspicious ... the neck massage, the texting, the sneaked hug (SNEAKED HUG), the location of your house, only 10 minutes away from her ........
Either you trust him with all your heart or you don't. Decide which one it is and then work from there.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 December 2016):
 I think you've just bought a house with someone you don't know well enough and don't trust.
I think you need couples therapy and to slow things down.
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