| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I feel so humilliated. I've been unemployed for years and live with parents. I have only one older sister who's been married for years and her kids are here almost everyday. With time I've developed multiple symptoms that have lead me to feel I might be disabled since I have all the symptoms of Fibromylagia and my Adrenals are very fatigued. My memory it's terrible and I get very nervous at social settings, job interviews (but I never get any) and at some noises (which is constant here) Sometimes noise makes my body hurt when it enters my eardrum. All of these conditions make me feel achy every single day (like having the flu every day) and very weak. Who can work like that? Who can get married like that? My mother knows something (told her a little)about my health but she acts as if she doesn't care or doesn't believe me. I don't go to the doctor because I don't want drugs. I've managed to find natural remedies that work a little and drugs have side effects I don't know if I can handle. My father and other family members know nothing. It's been hard trying to find a job in a place where unemployment rate is like 16%. I have a master's degree and I'm overqualified for every job. And I don't know how to handle job interviews for professional jobs since I don't remember almost anything about my past jobs or what I've studied. It's hard for me to keep my mind focused. I used to feel better when I did my master's and bachelor's years ago. I've only worked full time in a professional job for 6 months in my life and it was 6 years ago. I quit due to hostile environment and low salary in spite of my degrees. I have lots of student loan debt and credit card debt. I still have like $1,000 in bank account from student loans since 2 years ago I started studying again. The thing is my mother said she won't give me my usual $200 monthly for my credit card payments and that I should get a job, since my 21 year old cousin who is studying her bachelor's deg. found a local job at customer service. (How can she compare a young girl without a bachelors'degree with me?) Any undergraduate student can find a part time job. I'd leave this house but I'm always feeling sick. I found out there's a lwa that parents have to support their children if they are disabled even if they are adults but I'm not interested in that. I would like to work and support mylsef. I'm tired of all of my family none of them are Christians and they are sometimes negative, they curse, they are insensible, they criticize others and sometimes think they are superior. I feel so much pressure living here, I feel like everyday I owe them something for having me here and they are expecting me to produce money and be succesful when I can't. I have not worked in anything for more than 3 yrs. Sometimes I feel I don't want to work and want the government to support me cause I just can't cope but I believe I'm not elegible for any help at this age without social security accumulated. I don't know if I'll be able to support myself eventually. I'm Christian and I don't believe in telling people that I'm sick since I(and my church) believe God can heal everything if you have enough faith and be positive. Talking about illness is not being positive. I try to hold the pain and smile to my family and do things even if I'm very very tired (I never have refreshing sleep due to Fibrom.) So that's why nobody would believe me I have all of these symptoms. I believe whining and complaining and saying constantly you are sick (even if you are) is poison for the soul. Also if I tell someone about my sickness they would be making me feel uncomfortable each time they ask. I want to forget about my pain when I'm with people, not talk about it. I don't want more people feeling like it's so good they are not me, I'm sick, have no job, get humilliated by family, have almost no friends, etc. I've tried to make friends and only have gotten acquaintances. I have normal social skills but this is like a curse that wants to destroy me. People just don't care about me. Maybe because nothing is going on in my life that is interesting. I can't invite anybody anywhere since I don't know how I'll be feeling. Church people (my only social circle) smile when they see me and ask how I'm doing but that's it. I don't talk about my stituations with nobody so it's not like I am a person who makes other feel depressed. My father makes good money and my mother receives a small check. The house is paid for and I don't eat a lot. The thing is my family members, cousins uncles sister brother-in-law, all, older or younger than me make good money and are succesful professionals and Catholics or non-Christians so nobody understands me. I feel I need to demonstrate even in my worst time I can be happy because I'm a Christian How else are they going to come to God too? I'm the only one in poverty living with parents in my mid-thirties and the only one sick. I try to avoid family gatherings and speak little when I cannot avoid them. I try to smile, laugh and be nice, but I don't want to hear bout their jobs or succesful lives. It makes me feel uncomfrotable. I don't want them to ask me either. After years most of them have never asked. I have lived happily believing they may not be sure about if I'm employed or not. Daily I try to avoid my parents because I feel relaxed only when alone in the house so I get up late in the afternoon and go to bed hours after they went to bed. My father wakes up at 3am and I'm up at that hour usually most of the time because I'm letting my dog go out potty. Today at a family gathering my father said in front of everyone I usually go to bed at 3am (when he gets up) I thought that was the most humilliating thing ever. I said that was a lie but when I left the room I heard him giving every single detail to family about why he thinks I'm always up at that time and that I wake up very late in the afternoon. Why on Earth would he think that's something those stupid succesful idiots have to know? Doesn't he think? The most humilliating thing is the husband of my younger counsin has the same master's degree I have, graduated after me and did found a job in the field making me look like a failure because I told everyone what I thought: that my field was not and easy one and that the economy was at it's worse and to look at the unemployment rate, etc. He is succes is my failure before family members. At least he lives in the metropolitan area and I live far away where jobs are very limited but don't know if people see that. And he was there and must have listened to everything. I've never seen a father who delights in putting to shame a daughter in front of others. I left the room and have been in my room for 3 hours and didn't even said goodbye to family members. We only see them like 6 times a year Why would he had to say such an unimportant thing to them when they only say what maked them look good and keep private whatever makes them look bad? Any thoughts? Support? What should I do? What would you do? Keep Anti-Christian comments to self.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 You are well educated and over the years I imagine you have completed assignments and projects as part of your studies.
So can you treat you as a project? A project you complete at your own pace. And purely for your own satisfaction?
Because it sounds like your Mother and Father are starting to feel real frustration at how you are existing in an apparently unsatisfying lifestyle.
Whether you are ill 100% of the time or some of the time, how much longer can you live, trapped in an level of reduced existence, when there is a whole world out there?
To get a feeling for how you are faring emotionally this free EQ test could be illuminating.
Emotional intelligence test: http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=3037
How long since you discussed your responses? I long chat with the Doctor and perhaps a referal to a Doctor to discuss potential Depression issues?
Think about it, is there potential for you to be feeling Depression and therefore this could be coloring your judgement of issues.
Perhaps there are pressures on your Mother and Father? Financial pressures? Or the pressure of wanting the home just to themselves?
Have your parents had the courage to confront some issues of concern them? Be they financial or social of family issues?
Did something huge happen in the past that made you especially uncomfortable?
The specialist Homeoapthic practicioners may be able to consult with you and discover the deep seated orign of your pain issues.
Homepathy does not use conventional remedies. Those who support it are often passionate about the value of Homeopathy to solve real health issues.
http://www.homeopathyusa.org/
Is trust an issue for you?
you do have years of life ahread of you
And spending an unsatisfying life behind closed doors in your parents home cannot be a rewarding lifestyle for you
Some counselling could also help you learn to interact more assertively with your parents.
Best Wishes
and Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): female annonymous and oldbag answerers Thanks for your words and for caring. You helped me a lot.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Where do I begin?
This has got to be the most narcissistic sounding submission I have ever read. It was so long and self centred it overwhelmed me.
You're not unemployed because you're ill and unhappy. It's the other way around. What you have is not a disease of the body, but of the spirit. And the physical ailments you describe sound more like anxiety to me. You've become in unto yourself and lost perspective. Just the hours you keep, alone, would skewer anyone's perception.
You're too sick to work and contribute in any way to the community around you, but you're not quite sick enough to merit a trip to the doctor or seek any kind of cure. Instead of finding ways to overcome your situation, you spend your free time (which you have in abundance) building up convoluted excuses to maintain the status quo. And you've forged God's seal of approval.
There is nothing remotely Christian about your attitude or behaviour.
Your father should not have aired dirty laundry in front of others, but I think his words were born of years of frustration not a desire to injure you. Consider his perspective for a moment. He and your mother have worked hard, made the big sacrifices, raised their kids and looked forward to enjoying their retirement. Instead they're supporting a grown woman who sees them, not as people deserving of her love, gratitude and respect, who have hopes and dreams of their own, but a resource to be plundered.
The reason you can't seem to build meaningful relationships with others is not because they are shallow, but because you are. It doesn't take anyone long to figure out that you don't care enough about them to take an interest in their lives. Your own words 'I don't want to hear bout their jobs or successful lives.' You care not a wit for the joy or sorrow, success or failure of others. You've decided their pain isn't as important as yours is. Does that sound Christian to you?
I understand, as does your family, that you're scared and no one expects you to become entirely independent in one week, or even one month. But they do, reasonably, expect you to start taking steps in the right direction. See a doctor, change your diet, take vitamins, get good quality sleep, go for walks, and start thinking about others instead of always yourself.
Your cousin's husband did not make you look like a failure. YOU made you look like a failure. If your parents think you owe them, they're right. You DO owe them. They are not obliged to feed, clothe and shelter you for the rest of your life. 'my usual $200 monthly'...MY?? You didn't earn that money so it isn't yours.
We've all known people who were very ill or had some physical impairment but still worked. One family friend struggled with diabetes, pneumonia and then cancer (suffice to say she had a rough year) and despite how hard things were, she worked and supported not only herself, but a household of 8 people who, like you, decided they were too ill to work, but not to ill to do the things they enjoyed doing. I have a couple of others friends who are blind. Both use walking sticks and seeing eye dogs and BOTH work, and support themselves. Another family friend struggled with having only one leg (6 months of the year she had to use a wheelchair). She worked and supported herself. The list goes on.
You are not disabled. You're just disinclined.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): hi I have read your post and clearly you feel very trapped both emotionally and physically in your situation. My opinion is, based on my own experience, that the body manifests emotions and that by staying in your situation your physical symptoms are only going to get worse. Your number one priority is to get your independence and your dignity back - you have a masters degree but be aware that a downtrodden, negative vibe will come through in an interview. Please have a think about how you can re-invent yourself in the way you present yourself to the outside world - I don't mean family put them to one side. Re- do your CV, think big locationally about where you could find work and be prepared to travel to interviews. Also be prepared to move out of this mess you are living in - so start being organised in your daily routine. You don't need to make any big announcements just stay 100% focused on the task in hand. I believe anyone who applies themselves can find work if they want to but you have to change your mindset and focus. I hope this has helped.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 Hi
Look you need to get out of the rut your in. You need to look at maybe further education, or just applying for jobs too,any job,try temping with an agency. You need to focus on the future,get your brain cells working again. Start with voluntary work maybe, even if its only 2 days a week. It makes you more employable too when youve offered your services for nothing.It shows you want to work,gives you experience,gets you out.
You do need to talk to your doctor too. Theres NO shame in feeling ill.Ask for counselling,not pills.
You will never sleep well when your lifes so sedintary,you have to be tired from activities,either physical or mental.
Never mind your family and what they think. Get a life plan going and work towards your own goals. Leaving home and being independant,living in an area that YOU want to live in.You dont have to apply for jobs in your hometown, if you get work you can move.
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