A
male
age
36-40,
*arolinaboy13
writes:I am falling in love with my wifes best friend. Her husband is my best friend. We both have 2 kids from our respective spouses. We have never had sex but we have been to third base two times. I know I am a horrible friend and husband, but we were talking one day and she confessed to having feelings for me. I have had feelings for her since the day I saw her, and I told her so. One day we decided to get together just to see how far it would go. We thought nothing would happen, but she made a move and I went with it. She finds herself texting me sometimes for no reason at all and I do the same. It seems that everyone seems to notice. We both feel horrible about what we are doing. We have tried to stay away from each other but it never last long. She ends up calling me or texting me or I do it to her. I have came so close to telling my wife so many times, but I dont want to hurt her because she loves me so much I know she does. We didnt meet until she and my wife were pregnant at the same time with our second child. Someone please give me some advice!!! What do I do?
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best friend, friend's wife, text, third base Reply to this Question
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male
reader, carolinaboy13 +, writes (20 August 2009):
carolinaboy13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI apreciate all of your replys. I have decided to talk to my "lover" and end this thing before it becomes a huge clusterf*ck. Thank you for all of your advice you all have helped me very much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): seems like this woman has been doing all the chasing, well you have been caught.
kindly tell your wife as soon as possible. and she must tell her husband as well.
then you both are welcome to f*ck up each others lives and no body would care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I know alot of the advise is stay with the wife and stick to your promises. I am of the opinion go for a seperation and in that time you figure out who you really want to be with. I would not want a man who will always be pining for another woman but stays with me just for the kids and a marriage in name. You will never do justice to your wife until you have figured out in your mind what you really want. The seperation will help you work through your feelings and also prioritise the things that are most important to you. We dont choose who we fall in love with it just happens. I will not condone what you did but you did come here for advise and you cannot continue in the mess you find yourself. You need to make a decision and fast either way someone is going to get hurt.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Bad idea. Look elsewhere for your excitement if you must. This has "disaster" written all over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): hey I think you need to give it a try to see if it worth it. If not, the choice is yours. Love is beautiful don't spend the rest of our life unhappy just to make society happy.
One thing you have to make sure this is what she wants. So many times women don't stand on their words. Make sure you take care of your children.
best luck and blessings to you dear.
ps. You have one life to live live it fair and happy. Don't live for people or rules. None of them is perfect. go for love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I think this is a dispicable thing, and I have heard of this alot, two friends cheating on their spouses and divorcing and marrying. Just know that relationships that begin in infidelity have less than a 1% chance of surviving a year after the divorce.....think of your children and the life you have now, you are willing to give it up for some strange?
Remember your vows, you stood up in front of God and your family and promised to cherish your spouse till death do you part....remember that? And now you have children in the picture. You haven't earned your way out of your marriage. Obviously, there are some things you are unhappy about, whether it be your own personal issues or the personal issues that are being brought out by the fact that you are now married and dealing with the realities of every day life. You should turn toward your wife instead of away from her and work on what you already have, which is a history, a family, a life, a promise of a future....what are your deepest values by the way? And why would you want to self sabatoge by pushing away the people in your life that love you forever?
If you should decide to work on your marriage, the link below might be a start for you.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/08/8-ways-to-affair-proof-your-marriage/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): You need to tell your wife and your friend, it's not fair. If you loved your wife enough to marry her you should be able to control your urges for other women, Your wife obviously loves you very much to have had made a commitment to you on your wedding day and to have had two kids with you. Nobody can make up your mind whether to carry on with your best friends wife or to stop seeing her all together, you’re the only one who knows what your heart is telling you to do but I think everyone knows what you should do. I think you know what you should do. Tell your wife, and I’m not going to lie it will cause problems but she has a right to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): You have control over your body. You shouldn't have met up with her. You did not meet with her to see how far it would go thinking it wouldn't go anywhere! You KNEW it would. Take responsibilty. That's the first thing you have to do.
You have two choices: Continue lyeing and betraying both your wife and your best friend in one of the worst ways possible. Keep sneaking around and going through the emotional rollercoasters. Keep being paranoid of getting caught. And eventually, get caught. Trust me, it will happen.
Or, you could stop the lieing at least, and tell them.
Either way, they both end up knowing. One is a little easier for everyone. And i think you can figure out which.
~Sy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Mistake: Instead of "why are you coming asking or what you already know?", I meant to say "why are you coming here asking what you already know?"
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (19 August 2009):
There's a difference between falling in love and being infatuated. What does she have that your wife doesn't? Obviously you loved your wife enough that you made the commitment to her that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. Think about what it was about your wife that made you fall in love with her and why you wanted to marry her.
There is such a thing as self control. If you and this other woman had self control you wouldn't start speaking to each other. Think of who you are being right now (which is not a very good person) and who you want to be. You want to be a loyal husband AND friend don't you? If you have to, change your number if you don't want to speak to her, it's simple. It really is simple to stay away from someone, but it's because you don't want to. It's not entirely the other woman's fault that when you try to "stay away" from her and she contacts you that you fall back into it. You can ignore her call and you can change your number.
I think you need to work on your marriage. You made the commitment to stay with your wife and you have children. The grass is always greener, but when you get there, it may not be what you thought it would be. Be a good husband and a good friend. Without your wife and friend, what else do you have? You'll only have this other woman and when things don't work out--you'll have nobody. Think about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): You know what you want to do and what you 'should' do. So the rhetoric is: why are you coming asking or what you already know?Since you already have developed feelings for your best friend's wife, then the most 'optimal' move is to divorce your wife, have your lover divorce her husband and then continue your lives together. Of course, your best friend will most likely hate you forever and his potential-ex-wife, but we choose all of our own battles and you chose this. Cause and effect.Otherwise, you can stay together with your wife and try to completely cut off all contacts with your best friend's wife. However, that doesn't seem like something you can do, corresponding to your complete lack of will power. [sigh]=====My passion had always been to become North America's fastest superbike racer. Since that dream never followed through, I had at times been tempted to race my car down a supposedly empty late night freeway. Have I ever given into temptation? Surely I have, but if I know the type of lives I can influence by me racing down a freeway, potentially getting into a car accident, killing and/or paralyzing others and even myself, I rather sustain myself from such actions.In other words, I chose NOT to engage in a battle that will hurt others, even if it may fulfill a few minutes of wanting a rush out of things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): EITHER...You split with your wife and give it a go - but be prepared for the heartache...but if you're meant to be together then you must be true to yourselves and set your respective partners free to find the loves of their lives too or...YOU STEER WELL CLEAR OF HER! FOR GOOD!! That may even mean you have to confess all to your wife - in fact I'd recommend you telling her because then your temptation will be completely taken away. If you still love your wife, and want it to work, cut the other woman out and START COMMUNICATING WITH THE WIFE!! Remember you probably felt this way about your wife when you first started dating, but we all know those feelings cannot last like that with the pressures of real life on our shoulders...Both your options are going to have devastating consequences...but you have GOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING BY EVERYONE INVOLVED INCLUDING THE FOUR CHILDREN!!! I have been in this situation - it wasnt until the affair had been going on for a year and my lover cracked and confessed all when they found out his wife was pregnant, that it stopped...we knew it was wrong but the feelings we felt were so strong it was like a drug!! We couldn't stop it!Its your decision and you have to do what you think is right and that may mean hurting people, just make sure you make the right decision for you and NEVER SHY AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTAL DUTIES IN ALL OF THIS!!!!I honestly wish you the best of luck, but you cannot continue like this - its not fair on anyone - emotional cheating is even worse than physical and must be tearing you up inside :( Decide what you want and go for it. You only live once - that goes for your wife and your lover. Take care.x
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A
female
reader, kaylynn +, writes (18 August 2009):
 Drop it. Best case scenario, you get the other woman, but you and your wife get a divorce and you lose your kids. My parents were divorced, and now I cant have a relationship because I think it wont last. CUT IF OFF! You're not only hurting your wife, but also your kids! Is that really what you want? And who's to say when you and your lover get together it will work out or she wont cheat? Then you would have broken up your family for nothing.
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