A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm posting this from a friend's computer for the sake of anonymity. I'll try to do any followups from here, but I cannot make promises that I will be able to get back.I'm a black woman, and I've been cheating on my husband with a white coworker for the last 5 months. I feel guilty about it, but I can't stop.It's not something I planned to happen. It just did. I just started kissing him one day, and wound up going down on him. I promised myself nothing like that would ever happen again, but the next time, we had sex in his office. Now, we get together about twice a week, going to a motel during our lunch break. Each time, I swear that it will be the last time, but it never is.I know my husband doesn't deserve to be betrayed like this, but I can't help it. My husband is a great man, but I don't really love him. I married him to make my parents happy, because I am a black woman who's expected to marry a black man, and who's father would never accept her involvement with a white man.But, my coworker, he reminds me of a white boyfriend I had in college who I was very much in love with. A relationship I ended because of my family.The affair fulfills me. It's satisfying in a way my marriage is not. That's not my husband's fault. It's mine.I'm tied up in knots. I want to come clean to my husband about the entire thing, but I can't. I have a child to worry about as well, which makes it harder to tell my husband and probably destroy my marriage.I don't want to end the affair either, even though I know I should. I enjoy being with him.How'd I let myself get into this situation?I don't know what I should do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I'm the one who posted this originally and thought I would give a followup.A lot has happened in the nearly 2 months since. I decided to stop trying to please other people, and do what I want to do. Make myself happy.So I came clean to my husband about the affair. I told him everything. That I love him, but not in the way he deserves, and that I have to do what will ensure we are both happy. We have separated and are planning to divorce. I've made compromises that will ensure the divorce counts as no-fault, and guarantee shared custody of my son.I've moved on and am moving in with a friend right now. My lover and I are still seeing each other, and he and I are planning to move in together once the divorce is complete.My family isn't happy, but I don't care anymore. I spent 26 years of my life sacrificing my happiness for theirs, and I will do it no longer. I have to care about my own happiness and not try to sacrifice my own to please others.You all did a lot to help me come to this decision. Thank you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Since you are consistently spending intimate time with another man, perhaps there isn't much of a marriage to save, anyway? A lot of white guys find black women attractive and pleasurable in bed, but taking the relationship to the next level is often taboo - and most of these interracial relationships have a low success rate. You should not sacrifice for the ancient thinking on behalf of your family. You have but one life to live. Live it on your terms.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): you want the best of both worlds, sadly this is not a fairy tale. if you do not want your husband then leave him, he deserves better and why not let him find another person who can bring him the happiness that you crave outside your marriage. your husband is innocent, perhaps loyal and faithful. just allow him to experience true love with someone else. i think you have made up your mind that this marriage cannot be salvaged. you are enjoying your illicit affair too much to want to work on your marriage. so end it. you are selfish in wanting to stay in this marriage because of your child and still have your lover on the side. you seem to be one of the people that continue to cheat but want it all your way. if you are adult enought to stray from your marriage, be adult enough to end it. after all why do you want to continue living a lie. i think you are also fixated with being with "white" men, i sense a bit of low self esteem here. you are reminded about a previous white bf, so you continue with the current white bf. having a white lover will NOT make you superior. only you can upgrade yourself and only you can learn to love yourself. what to do? only you can decide but one thing for sure -either your husband or the white lover. but you cannot have both. you CANNOT Have both, release one so that the released one can live a life without you. after all its all about choices and not justifying your actions. that is what you are doing, you know it is wrong. why continue it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): Okay this is not a good situation.
1. No your husband does not deserve this.
2. If your marriage is more important to you than yourself, end your affair and re-commit to your marriage. But don't come clean. That's selfish and it's something you want to do to make yourself feel better - you want to be forgiven. It won't make your husband feel the least bit better, he'll feel hurt and betrayed. But if there is a decent chance of your husband finding out through another source, you've got to come clean and see how things fall apart.
But here's the thing, it doesn't sound like you really want to be married to your husband. You caved to the pressure of family and now there is a price to be paid, either your own happiness or the happiness of your husband. I won't speak to your child - I honestly don't know what is the better environment to grow up in, divorced parents or a loveless marriage.
But now that you're in this situation you've got to decide what you're going to do. Weigh the options, and then act.
PS: Consider the very real possibility that your co-worker will end the affair when you tell your husband. You're both playing make believe and he may just jump ship when reality bites.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (27 March 2009):
 your child will pick up on things their very smart and when their older i dont think they would be happy with your choice or its quite possible they will pick up your habbits.. i see how that can still affect people not being able to marry because of colour and i know you want to make your family happy. but the one thing i keep saying to my friends is/ does your family live your life ? the answer is no you do and you have to do what it is that makes you happy or you will be doing what it is your doing. you need to stop the affair or stop the marriage either way its not healthy for anyone including the child. you need to do waht makes you happy and what is safe for the child. you cant keep living like this or you will tear yourself up about it and will only lead to you being miserable. i see your stuck in a rut which it is something you have to get out of. your trying to live a life your family wants you too but the thing is they dont have your life they dotn control who you love and all this control is causing you to be frivulous when it comes to things with no control you know whats right and what is wrong but thats not whats going on here is it its the fact your doing something that you can do that no one knows about its your ticket to freedom thats why you enjoy it so much but in the end it wont go well you need to break this chain and make it better for you and your child other wise it will be a vicious circle. i wish you good luck on your path i hope it goes well all my best wishes Aphex xx
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