A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a guy who is happily married in a long term relationship. While sex can sometimes be an issue between us- she has a very low sex drive- and it's often a discussion/argument that we have, it's not so bad that I would consider ending the marriage.But, I'm in the early stages of having an affair. I'd like to know opinions, advice- especially from men who are having/have had an affair too. I know there will be many 'don't do it you b**stard' responses, I expect that. I guess I know I'm doing wrong and just need some way to talk about it.The background: I got the seven year itch quite late into the relationship and thought it would never go away, I'm not the cheating kind. But it didn't. I often get attention from ladies, but I'm not an expert with women so it's been easy for me to not respond to their advances. I love to flirt though, my wife knows this, but because I'm no lothario, flirting never leads anywhere with me!For a while now I've wanted something 'extra.' I know that sounds terrible, but that's the way it is. As I say, there have been opportunities, but I never followed them up. Until one job-post I took where I met a woman who, if we were both single- she is married too, I would want as a girlfriend- we got on that well. Things progressed, but not to sex. We kept in touch and talked about our feelings to the extent of even saying what we want from each other. We have even met a few times, but again, no sex.Neither of us want to replace our spouse, we are both looking for a short term bit of fun, we are arranging a time and a place to take it all to the next level. I'm enjoying the thrill, of course, and I like what we have. We both know this could and will end at any minute, we just want to 'enjoy each other,' even if just for one time.My feelings are- there's only one life, I don't want to miss out (I haven't had a lot of sex in my life!) and if I start falling for her, then I have to move on. I know what I am risking, I don't want to hurt my wife, but- this is going to happen.Please, your thoughts...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2016): I'd like to pick up on your points that "we are both looking for a short term bit of fun" and "we just want to enjoy each other, even if just for one time". Yeah your lover says that but in reality it doesn't turn out like that. When women have sex they release the bonding hormone oxytocin which is designed to attach them to the person they just had sex with. Men on the other hand release dopamine, the pleasure hormone. That's why there are countless women posting on DC every day saying "It was just a bit of fun and now I'm in love" Just saying....
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (30 November 2016):
 Dang it Owl you beat me
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 November 2016):
Ha ha it's as if FA was calling me with his last sentence!
Anyway poster I would like to point out that you most certainly are not "happily married". And also I can help but wonder if the reason your wife has a very low sex drive is due to your lack of prowess as a lover. Perhaps you would be wiser to spend your energies honing your skills.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2016): Your post is unusual in that you are about to embark on an affair. We usually only hear from people that have jumped off the cliff, so to speak, and find themselves in a mess. I know you asked for male views and I'm a woman but I have been in your position. Yes long relationships get boring. Even if your sex life is good and regular it gets samey. I think the difference between those that cheat and those that don't are expectations. What are yours? You want more excitement in your life but how prepared are you for the price of finding it this way? At this point it's easy to feel a degree of entitlement and invincibility (I've been there). Your wife doesn't give you what you want but you're doing her a favour by staying anyway and getting sex elsewhere if she's not interested. She'll never find out and it's just a bit of fun so no-one gets hurt in the long run. Except it isn't really like that and it so often ends up messy. You do owe your wife fidelity or, as Denizen said, at the very least the opportunity to opt for an open marriage or divorce.You can't guarantee that your wife won't find out so how prepared for the fall out are you? Do you have kids? Can you afford the cost (both spiritual and financial) of a divorce? What about the guilt? What if you develop feelings for this woman or her you? You intend to cheat regardless but please stop thinking you are happily married (you aren't) or that you can really control an affair (you can't). If you want further advice about affairs there are 20840 posts on DC about cheating. I don't think many recommend it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2016): I love posts like this one. It's a wonderful challenge. We're speaking to a fellow human-being who feels what we will all feel, sooner or later. Trust me, I will not sugar-coat my response. I speak not only to the OP, but others who bother to read this. Some, it may even help.
Maybe your wife is thinking and doing the very same thing. Maybe it isn't her sex-drive, but your boring and predictable sexual-performance. Maybe you're selfish, mean, and unaffectionate. Perhaps you're a cruel man. Maybe you ejaculate too soon, or your penis is too small to offer real pleasure to your wife. Maybe it's average to large, but you just don't know how to use it; and your technique is the same as it has been since...forever. Get on top, get-off, rollover, and snore. No foreplay, no kissing, no caressing. All about you. Has she ever had an orgasm? You probably don't know for sure. Or, you don't really care?
Maybe she beat you to the punch, and she's already having an affair of her own?
Maybe, she never really loved you? You were a good prospect and had good earning-potential. She may not be able to keep up her facade and pretend she enjoys sex with you anymore.
Yeah, there are many reasons women suddenly lose interest in sex; and it's not always menopause, age, illness, or vaginal-dryness. It's boredom and disgust. Guys with shitty personalities and ugly penises; who don't seem aware of it. Or worse, don't care.
Maybe none of this is true about you. I'm wise. I know a thing or two about life, and people. I'm human. Been places, and I've done things. I do have a moral compass; and I value love and trust above all things. I've been cheated on. Have I cheated? Damn near close to it too many times to remember!
I stopped myself. I've lost so many people I love for reasons beyond my control; maybe that helps me to use self-control when I can. Never say never. I had a relationship lasting 28 years. I was cheated on. Walked right in on it while it was in progress. I can't tell you in words how much it hurt and how pissed I was. I forgave, and we stayed together. Only you just might not be so lucky.
That partner died, and now I have another. Forgiveness may still be given, if I'm cheated on again; but this present relationship would end immediately. I'm older and wiser now. I know my value, and have earned my due respect. I have dignity and some reasonable pride. Loss teaches us valuable lessons.
We can rationalize and make excuses for doing things that hurt other people, or betray the trust we've worked hard to earn. I've had only one life. I haven't considered extreme ways to hurt people I supposedly love. Just because I can do it, because the opportunity presents itself; and/or just for the thrill of it. Sometimes I have to force myself to practice self-control, and that is really really hard. Sometimes I let my imagination runaway with me; as long as it stays in my head. I've got as far as being naked together, and then changing my mind at the very last minute. My partner never would have known, but I would have.
You dismiss and rejected everyone's sounding-off on how wrong it is. Well, how would you expect decent responsible people who offer advice to respond? I suggest you consult with the devil, then the word's "go!"
If you must get it out of your system. I guess you will. You're not alone in feeling tired and bored with your commitment. It's only marriage. It happens to most men at some point or another. They're lying if they say it never does. All rational and reasonably sane adults in relationships, or marriages, get tempted. Too many even follow-through with the deed. Then something changes. It either becomes a habit, or they feel tremendous guilt. That guilt has to go somewhere. The betrayal deserves karma. If it doesn't get confessed by the cheater, there's still the risk the truth will out itself. All it takes is a slip!
Lies that build on top of more lies, and they all tumble under the truth. Happens every time. Unless you carry it to the grave. Who needs things on their conscience at that moment?
Then what? What if you do fall for your mistress or pickup? What if she decides she wants to keep you around and threatens to expose you? What if she has herpes or some sexually-transmitted disease that you might pass on to your wife? What if a relative or your child (if you have one, or children) discovers you cheated on their mother? It could be long after the fact, doesn't make it any easier.
Weigh the pros and cons before you fulfill the impulse. Then do your deed. I hope your wife discovers the truth and leaves you. Your vows were just words. You deserve to lose something, if you don't value it enough. Listen to your dick. I hope it's worth it. Not for your wife's sake, for yours. A divorce is the best and simplest resolution. It's going to happen anyway. Cheating gets easier and easier, until you're caught.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 November 2016):
 Dear No Lothario,
I'll give you the respect of believing everything you have written, as is. There are some things you don't know, or are choosing to ignore that you need to understand very well before you proceed any further.
The Thrill you are feeling is addictive. It will be better than the sex. You won't be able to stop at just one. You will come back again and again. You will find it even more thrilling to cheat on your affair partner. You probably think you can resist it. You probably won't be able to.
You think no one will ever know. You think this won't "end the marriage". The fact is that as soon as someone figures it out. It will end two marriages. Most couples can't recover from sexual infidelity.
How will you get caught. You will change because of your addiction and your new found happiness. Your Affair Partner will change as well. Your spouses will notice. They will start looking. And if they are smart at all, (chances are one of them will be) you won't catch them watching. You will miss it because of your addiction addled minds. You two will only be thinking about the next thrill fix. You will mess up.
I suppose that you have at least considered the suggestion of Denizen. If the thought of that conversation scares you, think that there is another spouse you will need to get permission from.
The honorable thing is to both of you stop this right now. Contact your lawyers and get the divorces going. If you are both miserable enough to seriously consider what you are considering you are ready to divorce. Of course you will have to give up the thrill (addictive) and face child support first. But it is the right and healthy way.
You also need to know that you are already in an affair, an emotional affair, and that affair is already damaging two marriages. Keep your eyes wide open!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 Yeah go ahead and start the affair. Enjoy the sex, the lust, the secrecy and the passion. It will be great. Then it will change the mistress may develop feelings, start wanting more. You are happy where things are but she wants more, she is threatening to tell your wife so you end it, then your wife founds out and then you are left single and alone. While you have a broken hearted mistress and a devestated wife. Not to mention you being left on the shelf as that guy who had it all and cheated because he cannot keep it in his pants.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 November 2016):
 If your wife isn't into sex in the same way as you would she be happy to let you make other arrangements? The French seem to be more comfortable with this sort of thing than the British. It seems unfair to be deceiving your wife and yet I can understand you don't want to let this glitter pass you by. I think grown up discussion with your wife is in order. Don't tell her that anything has happened yet but make it clear that your current sexual compatibility leaves a lot to be desired.
You will quickly get an idea of whether this is a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (29 November 2016):
 So many darn stupid excuses !
Only one life---BULLSHIT! Only one life, so should we stop working, chuck it all, go live on a boat and sail out into the open sea.
Only one LIFE! So should we eat all most delicious food in the world regardless of what nutritionist tells us?
Only one life! I should say Fuck my rent--I am going to buy a new plasma TV! I only have one life.
You can create all of the dumbest excuses in the world to cover up that you are an asshole. An asshole is an asshole. Assholes: refuse acknowledge how they also had contributed to problem at hand and refuse to take responsibility for their action and believes cheating on their wife is the answer. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Over 50 advice +, writes (29 November 2016):
 You answered your own question, your not looking for someone to talk you out of it but perhaps someone who will make your self guilt go away. This is like a alcoholic saying he is only going to have one drink. You left out the divorce that may occur the cost, the alimony the cheating woman's husband? why type of guy is he? If he is like most men he is going to have your head. Have fun living in that world of lying and cheating and looking over your shoulder, don't forget about the father in law and mother in law on both sides.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): I think you're everything that makes me lose faith in relationships. You clearly don't love your wife. If you're bored (that's what I think you are) either spice up your life with your WIFE or set her free to find someone who feels like she is enough. Am I ever going to tell you it's okay? No matter how rationally you put it? No. Not ever. You "don't want to hurt your wife" "but this is going to happen" tells me exactly how selfish you and that you do not care at all about the consequences of your actions. There are other ways to get excitement in life. I hope your wife leaves you. Why do you want to do this even though you know it's wrong? Let me put it this way: say that I want to hit you with my car. I don't WANT to hurt you, but I AM going to hit you with my car anyway, eventhough I know it's wrong. So I hit you with my car eventhough I know it's wrong and it'll hurt you, but it's okay because I want to do it so badly. Does it hurt less knowing I didn't do it specifically to hurt you and simply to satisfy my need to hit someone?Just because you're aware of what you're doing doesn't make it okay. In fact in my book it makes it worse. It's premeditated harm. Find something else to do.
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