A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Dear cupid helpers.I am in need of some advice on a family situation...So my dad had an affair on my mum 4 - 5 years ago (the last one of a few in the past) I mum turned to drinking, and has been drinking for the last 4 - 5 years and hasn't stopped.My parents split up last year in April (mum got taken away by the police after drinking and becoming abusive towards my father) and hasn't gone back since. fast forward almost a year and my mum is still living with my uncle (her brother) has a room of her own and is living out of suitcases, whilst my dad is still in the house and his girlfriend (since august) has moved in (she had to move out of her house that she had with her husband)....my mums clothes etc are still in the house and the girlfriend and my dad have packed up some of her things together, which my mum isn't happy about the girlfriend touching her things. Each time I visit my mum she asks if the girlfriend is living there and I tell her she's living between the house and her daughter's....and I feel bad for lying each time, even though I'm sure my mum has figured it out given I have brought my mums things to her from my car that I have picked up.People have been telling me they think the girlfriend is trying to be a "mum" to me, given she goes to hug me, gives me clothes when I visit..etcbut then I have heard from my partner that she makes out that I'm a daddies girl and that her daughter had to work for her things (my parents brought me my first car/I'm an only child) She has three children...My parents share the dog that we have two - three weeks each that I go back and fourth taking between them (which I don't mind doing)My mum has said that my dad chucked her out the house, but the police took her away and she was able to go back but didn't)I guess my question is, should I keep being nice to the girlfriend or should I stand up for my mums sake (given the girlfriend is using my mums kitchen stuff etc)I have taken my mum to AA meetings but she doesn't like them.Also my mum said she wants to go back to the house to get her stuff but doesn't want to if the girlfriend and my dad is there, but I'm worried my mum seeing all the girlfriends things their will upset her.any advice is great.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 Honestly they are all adults and should not have you involved in their mess. They are the parents not you. First off stop lying to your mum tell her the truth that your dad and his girlfriend are now living their. Your mother and father both did wrong and you should not get involved as they are still both your parents at the end off the day. If it was me I would be nice to your dad's girlfriend. You need to accept your parents are over and your dad has moved on. Your mother has turned in to an alcoholic who does not want to change. She needs to make the change herself and stop feeling sorry for herself. She needs to realize your dad has moved on and if needs be file for divorce and get her belongings and what she deserves. You should not have to be the person in the middle. They are grown up they need to start act like it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017): Yes my parents are still married. My mum asked if the girlfriend is living there, I don't just bring it up...she asks... my mum is apparently seeing a lawyer about it all. It's a lot more complicated though as my parents both half own a business together still (even if Mum walked out of it)
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (27 March 2017):
 You need to be on the side of your mother. She's the one who loves you, she's the one who brought you up and she's the one who will always be there for you no matter what. She will feel betrayed everytime you have contact with the woman in your dads life. Your mum needs to be allowed to go back to the house and collect everything that is rightfully hers. Are your parents married because surely your mum will have some legal rights regarding the house etc? The more you mention the new girlfriend to your mother the more you will be hurting her, it will be like you're stabbing her with a knife. I think you should keep your dads girlfriend at arms length and don't be too friendly with her. The fact that she's in your mums kitchen and using all your mums things doesn't sound very good to me. In fact it all sounds as if she's a bit controlling and a bit of greedy and out for herself. Do what you can for your mum. I think your mum may need to get some legal advice with regard to the house and her posessions before the new girlfriend takes over completely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017): You are caught in an emotional battle and quite rightly dont know which way to turn!You are being extremely helpful to both parties but it is not your responsibility as you have a life of your own.I think your mum should take responsibility for her actions and do her own liasing.Mum needs to get legal advice about her rights to the family home and property.Is she able to formalise a divorce?And/or take her expartner to civil court for return of her belongings and financial share of whats rightfully hers.I dont particularly see a reconciliation looming on the horizon so keep moving on with an independant mind set that all involved parties have.I dont think you have to make new girlfriend like you as she seems friendly enough.If mum wants her kitchen stuff back just bag it up and take it to her.Girlfriend and your dad will manage without the cutlery but the bigger items are to be determined through the courts!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (27 March 2017):
 Sweetheart I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Neither you mum, dad or his girlfriend are being fair to you. Whatever the reason, this is their mess to clean up. Sucking you into an emotional Bermuda Triangle is not how adults and parents behave. You are an adult, yes but still, not your responsibility. My advice would be to be honest and tell them how you are feeling. You owe this other woman nothing and given the circumstances I think letting her know she has a long way to go before you can ever be accepting of her, if at all, and is not something she cant possible put an end date on. If she doesnt respect that then she is not respecting you. As for dad, HE, not she, needs to do the decent thing and sort his affairs out with his 'wife' once and for all.
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