A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 6 years now. The past four years has been boring. Not sure if that's how all marriages become. The sex is boring and comes once a month. No kissing or hugs for four years. He doesn't call me sweet names anymore. He just acts like an authoritative father. No silly jokes, no playing, outings are formal and serious. He doesnt say much wen I complain about all this. Am bored and miss affection. I am tired of always being the one to see what's going wrong and trying to fix it. Am wondering if am just being overly critical?
View related questions:
kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 September 2017):
 It is not about who is right and who is wrong here. You need more passion from your marriage than you are getting. Are you able to talk to him about things? Obviously you have both fallen in to a routine and got stuck in a rut. Are you both able to talk things through and try and make changes? Do you go on holidays together? Meals or nights out? Cinema? Lunch? Shopping trip? If not then start doing more together. Plan a date night once a week and try and re-introduce passion and sex in to the relationship. Sometimes we get sloopy after a few years off marriage. But you both need to make the effort to change that and you both need to be open and honest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2017): You don't mention if you have kids?
Over time, our lives become routine and we get very busy living. Jobs create stress and exhaustion. Finances, retirement, aging, and feeling unaccomplished brings on depression for some guys. Sometimes we men are not even aware of it. It stifles our feelings on top of trying to bury a problems under a facade of being in-control; and having it together. Up goes that wall. Hiding behind his masculinity and pride.
Sometimes people are sexually-incompatible. Not at the beginning, but as time progresses. Sex-drive becomes uneven.
If you fight a lot. Forget about affection.
Men can't fake orgasms. Erections tell if we're aroused; and a lot of pressure is placed on how we perform, and our endurance. So, some guys just decide self-pleasuring is a better alternative. Hugging and kissing is easier when you're dating or newly-weds. Or, cheating with a less-familiar partner. It slacks-off when you've been married a few years. Not for everyone. Each relationship is unique.
Men who don't get regular physicals or don't exercise often develop diabetes; or could have other medical-issues that haven't been detected. Smoking, drinking, and doing drugs lowers our sex-drive or ability to maintain an erection.
Low testosterone-levels may lower the sex-drive; but lack of affection is more of a psychological problem than physiological. Rather than see a doctor about it; he'd choose avoiding sex, or any discussion about it.
Men rarely want to discuss relationship-problems; if you tend to place all the blame on him.
If discussions about the relationship are always about what he's doing, or not doing; you never get problems resolved.
So he feels less inclined to hold or touch you.
Men just avoid these discussions; to dodge arguments, or dealing with a pouting spouse. The conversation gets pretty heated, and all sorts of suspicions arise. Is he cheating, is it your weight, is he more interested in younger prettier women? People usually talk in circles; and never really resolve their problems. They ask questions, but don't want to hear the truth. They love each other, but intimacy is gone.
I say it often, but I know women don't like it. Excessive-complaining, nagging, and emasculating remarks during arguments make you very unattractive. It rings in his ears long after you've said it. It hurts just like it hurts when he's verbally-abusive or criticizes your appearance.
Whining about your own appearance; but doing nothing about it, draws more focus to your flaws. Otherwise; your weight and body-imperfections are not really an issue. He wants sex, but he can't get all the complaints out of his head. If he is always rejected; he just decides to give-up. Then he sees no reason to be affectionate, or offer compliments.
There is also the use of porn, and too much masturbation. It becomes pretty common when you have only one etermal sex-partner. So things get boring and predictable. You become over-familiar over time; and affection starts to feel awkward or silly.
I think there comes a point in a dull marriage without intimacy; when you need professional marriage-counseling. People won't talk to each other. They talk at each other; and hurl accusations, and/or draw negative-conclusions out of frustration. They become disappointed and disillusioned.
Most husbands who show no affection; usually stopped showing it gradually over time. You don't notice it until it stops. Some guys just show their affection in ways you don't notice. He may watch you sleep, squeeze your hand, stroke your hair. Very benign gestures, barely noticeable or quickly forgotten. He may sleep with his back to you, but he likes to feel you against him. You move because he gives off too much heat, or he snores. If you like cuddling and he doesn't; then you get angry and roll-up into an angry ball.
The tension kills any possible compromise.
You have to ask him in an open-end question, without being confrontational. "How come we have very little sex and don't show each other affection?" Don't place blame by asking him why "he doesn't?" It's two people involved, and two people who contribute to the atmosphere of the relationship. It's not all his or your problem. It's a couple's problem.
Try and talk to him. If he won't get a physical-examination, won't discuss if he is having problems maintaining an erection, or just doesn't feel like being affectionate anymore. The only remedy is marriage-counseling and the suggestion that you are considering divorce; if you can't reach him. Sometimes men don't listen until they are faced with an ultimatum; and realize not talking or shutting-down is telling you it's over.
...............................
A
female
reader, nnn2017  +, writes (15 September 2017):
Are you guys going through a hard time financially or is there something stressing him out? That might be why. Usually men are the ones to complain about this.
...............................
|
