A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents have seen a guy for me to get married.That guy is my relative. he is 10 years older to me.i felt it as so odd.Im 23 and he is 32.We never really talked or met much.All my relatives and my parents forced and brainwashed me to accept that guy.I said I want to meet him before fixing the marriage. I met him. He seemed to be nice.Everyone suggested to go on 2 or 3 dates with him to know him more.I went but I was never really happy . I couldn't see him as in that way.however he act nice i just couldnt accept him.As days passed by my parents and his parents started discussing about fixing the marriage date. I told my dad that I'm not happy with this wedding but mom n dad started talking emotionally to me. And after a long conversation and i ended up saying Yes. Now they have fixed my marriage date as Oct 26.I never wanted to hurt my parents or hurt anybody. But i feel like to runaway from everything.Now if i cancel the wedding everyone will get hurt.As we are relatives two families will break up if this wedding gets stopped.I tried talking with that guy about I'm not happy with this marriage but he is behaving so weirdly saying me that if u say no i will die like that.one side him on another side my parents. I love my parents they did everything for me. But i just couldn't accept this marriage. I don't really know what to do.Days are nearing I'm dying inside.i don't know whom to speak about this.Im confused.I wanna shout in front of everyone like i don't wanna get married.Im totally not happy. But i can't hurt anyone. Should i get married or just stop everything?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I'm really scared of talking about the wedding to my parents. As of now I managed to get a transfer from my office to other place totally far away from my home. I feel like to stay away from everything for a while. But still I couldn't be happy
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 May 2015):
 It seems like people find it easier to immigrate to other countries, to lie about husband being impotent, gay, about wives being not a virgin to get out of a marriage than to say no to parents at the first place.
I myself would not want to do anything with a relative. I assume he's your cousin. The idea that the baby could have a chance of developing a disability is worrisome. That alone would stop me from enjoying sex with a cousin. If I am arranged with a person with no family links then fine, but cousin absolutely no. Any parents who force this on me are not my parents anymore. Yes they made money, gave me food but they do not care for me as a person but more like continuing another generation who could not think for themselves.
The stop to arranged marriage got to start somewhere, by someone. I would rather be single forever than to be married to a cousin. It doesn't matter if I am in the Royal family, no means no. Don't be afraid to hurt anyone.
On the other hand I don't know your situation. I don't know the consequences of defying your parents. Does that mean you become an outcast? Does that mean no one would ever want you? Does that mean if you marry a man of your own choice you don't ever see your parents again? If you divorce in the future does that mean you are out on the streets?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): This is a very difficult situation and I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be agonizing. Feeling trapped and being forced to do something we are dead set against and not comfortable with is a terrible predicament. I am not sure where you are from as I do not recognize the flag. But I am guessing that arranged marriages are part of your culture and are accepted within your culture? Correct?I am like you. I would be the rebel. I do not think others should be making choices for me or telling me who I should marry. It is MY life after all.How could you not agree to say yes to the marriage with all that pressure being exerted on you by all sides? You were backed into a corner and felt trapped and agreed so that everybody would be happy and back off. Everybody EXCEPT YOU. I understand you do not want to disappoint anyone. But whose life is it?Here in North America we have different views. And women here would never accept that sort of treatment. It may happen within pockets of some cultures but generally it does not happen amongst the majority of women. What would the repercussions be if you did not marry him? Would you fear for your life? Would you be prepared to walk away from your parents and family to live your own life on your own terms? Because if you do not, they will always try to control you and force you to conform to what they believe you should do. They will always try to dictate your life. I suspect if you did not marry this one, they would continue trying to arrange another marriage. It is a tough call. You can stay and live a life of conformity. A life that is not your own. Pretend you are happy while you are dying inside each day. Or you can assert yourself and do what makes you happy.I am of the belief that I live my life as I choose. If others do not like it, they don't have to be in my life. Even family. My family did not accept my divorce from my husband. They tried to pressure me into staying married. Even though I WAS NOT HAPPY. They tried everything. But I decided to leave him because I knew what was in my heart. They didn't. And for a long time, they did not talk to me. But eventually they came around but it is not the same.So if you feel this strongly you need to be prepared to disappoint your family. You need to be strong and speak from your heart. I just fear for your safety. If your safety is compromised, then perhaps you need to put a plan in place where you can move away and start over somewhere but be prepared to give up your family. Are you willing to do this?So many take the easy way out. It takes strength to stand up for your beliefs. Often we are alone when we do this. Which means we need to be even stronger. You are still young. You have so much to do and see before settling down. Trust me, you will never be happy with this arrangement. Especially if you become pregnant. NOW is not too late. NOW is the time to do something about it.It is your choice to make. You do have a choice.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (23 May 2015):
Dear OP,I read a bit about arranged marriages in India, before answering this post. In my country, we have a different process of finding a partner.Intuitively, I would advise you to try again and change your parents' mind. Ask them why they chose this man and maybe try to convince them you can find another suitable candidate soon. Show your misery by crying, looking sad, not showing any appetite. Maybe they feel sorry for you if they see you suffering? Also, weigh the safety risks. If you refuse the marriage, will there be revenge of a family? Will you be on your own? Maybe also say what is it that you don't like about him. Does he scare you? Is he unattractive? Does he seem like he's not genuinely interested in you? Does he seem like he can be violent? Maybe you will find something useful on this site:http://www.quora.com/Do-arranged-marriages-in-India-really-workOr elsewhere on the internet in your language. Keep us posted, I would like to hear about how you go on.
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