A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about guys who get into their comfort zones.So I've been with the same guy for the past nine years. A typical Ross/Rachel type relationship - soulmates.. not always OFFICIALLY together.. but never really been apart.. you know?Anyways, I love him more than anything and he loves me.. but in all the years, nothing more has happened with us. He is in his early 30's and still lives with his folks! He's an only child and always been comfortable where he is.His parents are wonderful to him, but have no real time for me. They tolerate me as his 'friend', but I couldn't imagine us telling them we're engaged. They're nice enough to me, but I've always felt like they think I'm going to take their precious son away.. and I am a trophy girlfriend.. I've never asked him for anything in all the years we've been in each other's lives! It's only now, in my late twenties that I've started discussing us making a further commitment. I feel I'm entitled to ask for that.I know he loves me, but he holds back with letting this thing progress. I don't know whether it's because he doesn't love me enough, he's naturally selfish, or afraid his parents would disapprove. I know that if we moved away together or bought a house, we'd make a great couple. We've seen each other through everything in our lives and we make a great team. We're more functional than most other married COUPLES I know..I was wondering whether anyone else has been in this situation? I'm bordering on just walking away. I'm looking for jobs elsewhere and planning on just moving abroad and focussing on my career (which would've been MUCH richer if I hadn't of hung around in the waiting rooms, in limbo with this guy).. I could've moved away years ago and chased the job I always wanted.. but I stayed in my small city here because I wanted to make a life with him. I'm starting to think it will never happen :(I want to know if anyone out there has been in this situation, where they otherwise had the perfect guy they could see themself settling down with.. but nothing was progressing. Did you walk away and they followed you? Did you just decide it was wrong and are happier for having moved on? I guess I want to know if there ARE any success stories. It's really going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, walking away from the one man, the first and only man, that I've ever loved. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 The perfect guy for you will want to commit to you, so allow me to doubt he is perfect. The decision is yours alone, to give some input, however, I think the consequences of your decision are life altering. Let's just see.You may get along perfectly together, but if he is very comfortable in his seat and doesn't wish to make your relationship official or build a future with you (I assume you have a wish list, marriage, kids, etc.), the feeling that you have given away SO much will keep growing. This means you are risking later on feeling you've put your life on hold for him and haven't pursued your personal growth and life to the fullest. Pursuing growth in fact is of great aid to relationships and keeps them from welking. Feeling more fulfilled, you would also have more to give to a relationship. Instead and understandably, I sense some regret here.You rejected the job of your dreams and travelling - brilliant opportunities, to chase a man who isn't willing to make a commitment to you in your small town, as you say. In exchange, from what I see, he isn't making you terribly happy and you can't compare with other relationships. I don't understand why this wasn't discussed earlier, why you went along with it, without discussing your life together, to see what each wants or if you are stringing each other along with no prospects for the future, quite odd. My advice is think about your future, not how you feel now, determine what's best for you and achieve it, and if he wants to accompany you and values your relationship, fine, but in this case he will accept there are changes to make the relationship won't prosper without. Best of luck.
A
male
reader, BGP 88  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 It sounds like you have a sweet guy, but the living with his parents for so long etc has settled him (and his parents) down too much. I've not personally been through this (sorry, I know that's what you were asking for), but I think you should suggest getting a place together as maybe a bit of an ultimatum. It's never easy doing this and I can tell you really love this guy, and after nine years he obviously loves you too! But if he isn't willing to commit after such a long time, then you should move on and follow your dreams. It isn't fair for you to have to wait around for someone. I believe that you should follow your dreams no matter what, but I do know what love is and the effect it can have on a person's decisions. Basically it sounds like you need a big change in your life. Whether it be taking the next step with your guy or going away and chasing your dream job. It is a hard thing to do, especially after nine years, but you have the patience of a saint and now you should do what you feel is right. Confront him and tell him how you feel.
I hope this has helped. Good luck! :) xx
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