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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband and I are in our late twenties. I am 27, he's 28. Married two years and I guess I have been denying many things about our marriage/relationship for too long.I dont believe i am a supermodel but I have been told by other men, male friends and associates, i am apparently "gorgeous".(of course, I know they might be saying that for one purpose or just to flatter me, but i take it to be a semi-objective opinion by many men of my objective attractivness?). Even my male colleagues (whilst knowing that I am married) make passes at me. I never acceed to these requests, even if tempted. I thought I married my husband for life and I have never ever been unfaithful to any partner. I would rather be single. I pursued my husband for many months (perhaps that was the thrill?) (he has had fewer girlfriends and sexual partners than me (2 to my five).My husband however, only tells me I am attractive if i press him. Our sex life has been non-existent for one year (re once a month if at all at my insistence and usually it is very little followed by oral sex for him and nothing for me). My husband never initiates sex and I have never orgasmed. He once promised me he would try everything in his power to help me orgasm but he never does, he orgasms, and then says he is too tired to help me. Foreplay is non-existent. There is no passion in our relationship. He will not kiss or touch me in public. I am utterly distressed at how in every other coupling I see when we are out, the man touches his partner, makes her feel appreciated. My husband refuses resolutely to touch me in public and yet other men hold doors open for me!. I dress up in sexy outfits for him flirt and try as many things as I can to turn him on but he rebuffs and rejects me. If out of frustration i masturbate in bed he yells at me for interrupting his sleep. He watches porn regularly and I even offer to watch with him or join in. I am not a prude. I like to be dominated but he appears to want as little as possible to do with me sexually. I had at one point suspected him of being gay but I do not believe this to be true. He may have had an affair but at the moment I have no evidence of this, merely online flirting. I was very very close to having an affair once but i repeatedly stopped myself, telling myself my husband/marriage/principles were more important. Ive today found further evidence my husband flirts with other women online and it has crushed me. Especially on days when i have begged him for sex.He wont agree to counselling (he repeatedly blames me for our sexual problems on me and I feel as though I am living a sham with a business partner rather than husband or lover. Our "love" blossomed through a mental connection (we are similary educated, both masters degree holders, working in city professional finance roles and enjoy many similar activities, music.......but apparently sex with each other isnt one of them!).Anyone with common sense and reasonable advice, please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): Hi. I am dealing with the same situation. All of my girlfriend's husbands are after them constantly to have sex. The girlfriends are all so sick of it and they are always saying that they wish their husband would just leave them alone.I bet they wouldn't be any happier than you and I are if their husbands had no interest. My husband is the same. He makes me feel like its MY fault.He tells me that if we didn't argue that we would have sex more often. He tells me that he is tired etc...I have talked to him before about it. I wonder if he has had some sort of bad childhood experience and I want him to get help. I want us both to go to couples counceling so that we can figure out our problems. We have a good relationship and I do believe that he loves me,but I am not willing to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship.My husband also has always had porn around the house. He is always on his computer at night watching porn and he has porn tapes hidden that I have found. I don't REALLY care about the porn b/c I know that most men do that, but it confuses the issue further for me. Here is my advice...either get sexual counceling or leave. My husband and I have children and I do not want to break up our family so my choices are few. You have a choice. You deserve to have the kind of marriage you want. You deserve to have sex. I guarentee that your husband is the product of an over powering mother and maybe even had no father around when he was growing up. I often wonder if this is my husband's way of getting back at his mother through me(who he may see as a mother figure). I also wonder if this is the way he punishes me for yelling at him or telling him I don't like things that he does. Either way, I am sick of it and you should be too.
A
female
reader, eca11jrs  +, writes (30 March 2007):
i cant answer your problem but i can sympathise. my husband is not intersted ins ex. i though he was when we first met, but with hindsight and his reminding i realise that i initiated it. Now that i want him to take some initiaitive it just simply isnt happening. i a have tried everything i can think off, but he is not willing to try anything. i am tempted to get sex elsewhere. i know that in the end it would destroy my relationhsip but i just get desperate sometimes. i am sorry i cant help, but i can empathise. E
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A
female
reader, Jens +, writes (18 October 2006):
HelloI really have sympathy for you; has it always been this bad, either he has a very low libido; or feels inadequate; or is just selfish. The only honest true advice I can offer him is to split. it's not worth living without passion; maybe he has issues he has to deal with; but he does sound very inconsiderate. IF he won't go to counselling; or make any effort; you should leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): hello sweety, what about getting out of that situation you deserve man better than he is. get out there' make your self happy, life is short take it for granted. good luck my dear.., XXX gladyz
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 Hi There,
I read your post, and it made me angry. I think your husband has a problem with sex. I mean he has a REAL problem with sex. I doubt it is an affair.
My guess is that he has a very negative association to sex, perhaps he was abused as a child but as a man, can not reveal it.
If he is too intellectual, he might see sex as something dirty or beneath him. When you take the lead he may feel it challenges his manhood.
The reason your sex life is the pits is that it is his job as a man to LEAD the sex, and be responsible for the quality of the sex of the relationship, and he is failing at his job.
If he refuses to work on this, you only have one question to ask: Are you better off with him, or without him. If you are better off without him, look to getting a divorce. If you are better off with him, seek affection outside the relationship, but maintain the lifestyle until you meet someone that can offer you better.
In reading your post I find that you have tried and tried with him. It takes two, and he just does not seem interested. You deserve to be should properly loving and affection.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, Katylouise +, writes (18 October 2006):
It is common for peoples sex lifes to go out the window after a few years of marriage. I cant imagine how frustrating and upset you feel right now as i think sex is part of the closeness you need to feel as a couple.
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