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female
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anonymous
writes: Does my boyfriend's brother have a "crush" on me or am I paranoid?Ok, Here's some background: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years now- and he is my first real love. There are definate issues in the relationship, ones that I have been trying to address and he has been trying to avoid. So right now we really aren't that solid. Now, he's living in another state, while I am home because of my job. I've been hanging out with his family a lot, and am especially close to one of his brothers, we chat a lot and generally get along well. We joke a lot about various things, including sex. A few weeks ago, we went out with a group of people, and he got really drunk. He started telling everyone he loved them, and then when he got to me, he was especially touchy-feely, and at one point tried to kiss me. Now I'm really freaked out, because even though I care about him a lot, I would never-ever-ever cheat on my boyfriend. I've kind of been ignoring the situation, but I feel like it might just build up until there's so much tension we all go nuts. Any advice on how to handle this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): if you think your boyfriend's brother has a crush on you then maybe you should sit down and try to talk to his brother before you actually come out with the situation to your boyfriend. I think that you might be acting paranoid too over the top, because maybe he is just trying to be nice to you or try and get on with you for his brother's sake. however, if he is making moves on you or talking to you like he is hidingg something then you should sit your boyfriend down and talk to him seriously. But as I said talk to your boyfriend's brother first because you might be thinkingg wrong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007): Hello
Well it depends on your boyfriend and your boyfriend's brother personality. It ight be hard to tell the brother directly, but it could work. You can say that you were a bit disturbed he tried to kiss you even though he was drunk, make it clear that you loe your boyfriend and not him. Make sure that it will never happen again. Or, you cans peak to your boyfriend about it. If that's not posible, talk to a fellow lady you trust that knows your boyfriend and get her advice!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): I am in a very similar situation, but in my case, the brother HAS told me he has feelings for me. I told him it wasn't ever going to happen and that I'd never talk to him about it again, but I can't decide what's best - to tell my boyfriend or to chalk it up to that was the brother's one big mistake and let it go. His family is insanely close, and I'm afraid of the backlash. But I feel like I'm lying to my boyfriend by NOT telling him. Advice?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (20 October 2006):
 Hey Sarah,
Sounds like a plan. I'm sure it will all work out for you, especially since you sound so caring. I'm sure you'll handle it just fine. Take care! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): Stina,
I guess I'll just let it slide then for now, though, maybe I'll try and say something to the brother about how we are just friends if it the chance arises in conversation. And yes, I think I will not be mentioning ANYTHING sexual in the near future- if ever! I really don't need/want this situation to reoccur. I hope that eventually this whole thing blows over... Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it!!!!
Sarah
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female
reader, stina +, writes (20 October 2006):
PS - I'd stop joking and talking about sex and sexual things for a while, too.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (20 October 2006):
Hi Sarah,
Oh, I see what you mean now.
I wouldn't necessarily tell your boyfriend just yet. So far, it seems like this boy has only done things while he's drunk and nothing even happened.
If you feel comfortable with the brother otherwise, then there is no harm (to you) in being his friend. But I think it would really be doing him a favor if you two didn't hang out as much. It would help him cool down his feelings for you.
If he ever tries anything with you in the future, in my opinion you should tell him exactly what you posted here, "I love [your brother]and really have no romantic interest in [you]. The attention is flattering, but thats all it is- I'm not interested in having any sort of relationship other then a friendship." It's to the point without being hurtful (well, rejection is never not hurtful, but I think this is pretty close). After that he most likely will not do anything in the future. It might be a little awkward at first, but what he is doing is already awkward!
If he still tries something with you - sober or otherwise - after you've voiced how you feel, then I think it's time to tell your guy. If you were to abruptly stop hanging out with the brother, it seems like the family would wonder why and you'd end up spilling what happened anyway. Plus it might make your bf a little angry/irritated that you kept something ongoing like this from him.
I hope this is a bit more helpful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): Thanks for your input (I'm the one who posted this question, my name's Sarah by the way), and you're right, but I guess I didn't really make myself clear- I was too worried about he length I guess... What I really want to know is how I deal with the brother- I mean, I love my boyfriend and really have no romantic interest in his brother. The attention is flattering, but thats all it is- I'm not interested in having any sort of relationship other then a friendship. I just don't know if I should tell my boyfriend (as this could very much cause an issue that we don't need right now, not to mention withing the family), and how to deal with his brother. I care about him a lot, and I don't want him to get the wrong idea, but I don't want to not be friends with him anymore. Is there some gentle way to approach this on either end- boyfriend and brother??
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (19 October 2006):
Hello Anon,
If you really care about your boyfriend, you'll do the both of you a favor and stop hanging out with his brother so much. With time apart, your feelings and his should start to dwindle.
You could also look at it from this angle - how upsetting would it be for your boyfriend to find out down the road a few years that you had a fling with his brother? I can imagine he would feel extremely betrayed by the both of you, especially because you two would have kept it hidden.
And if you did tell him right away that anything happened then it would cause not only a huge problem in your relationship, but probably in their family, as well.
So if I were you, I would stop seeing your boyfriend's brother as much. Weigh the positives against the negatives. I'm sure you'll find that it would be better to put a stop to this right away.
Take care.
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