A
female
age
41-50,
*interBlue
writes:Hi everyoneI am asking for advice here as I can´t discuss this problem with anyone. I am so shocked and ashamed by my actions that I have no words for it.I was at a party recently with my husband and some of our mutual friends. We were having a really good time and a lot of wine.One of our friends brought along his brother who lives abroad. I had met him only once before but I instantly liked him (and was attracted to him too, but a little crush was nothing alarming to me as, though I am a very big flirt, have never acted upon that sort of feelings.)During the evening me and him (let´s call him J) talked a lot, as we did when we first met, since we share similar interests and just basically hit it off. At some point I was getting a little too drunk from all the wine (I barely ever drink so I have to stop early) and I decided to head home. I took a train with J and a couple of our friends and we all got off on the same stop. I was ready to go home but then for some reason we ended up at a club. So we hung out for a couple of hours, our other friends went home eventually. J couldn´t get a hold of his brother so I told him he could stay at our place. I called my husband to let him know J was staying with us for the night, he said ok and told me he was staying at our friend's flat as he was too tired to leave and was going to sleep but he would come home as soon as he wakes up.Situations like these have happened a thousand times during our 15-year-marriage. Most of our friends are men and a lot of times I am the only girl there, but it´s been a non-issue. Basically I´ve been one of the guys. And my marriage has been amazing, with its ups and downs of course, but a strong and good relationship all together. I adore my man. There has been no need to even think about doing something forbidden with other men. Fantasies and flirting is one thing. Acting upon them, like I said, just isn't something I do. Which is why I have no idea how the following happened. After J and I came to our place we had some wine and listened to music, talked and had fun. As it was time to hit the hay I said (seriously, I know this sounds suspicious but it was all innocent at that point) he could sleep in our bed if he wants to so we can chat if we´re not sleepy yet. So we went to bed and were talking and then out of nowhere I was all over him. We started kissing and touching each other and J kept saying "this is wrong, we have to stop" and at first I pulled away from him but began kissing him again and I can remember very vividly that I was the one seducing and he was the one saying no until he gave in and we had sex. I basically forced myself on him. The sex was rough and dirty and (I´m ashamed to say this) so good I don´t recall ever having orgasms like that. Afterwards we tried to talk about it in the living room but just started kissing again and again. At some point I went to back to the bedroom by myself. When I woke up I thought I had imagined the whole thing but my body was so sore I knew it had really happened.How did I go from a happy wife to a cheating slut in one night? I cannot understand how this has happened. The guilt and the shock of it all is killing me, and the worst thing is that a part of me-the dark part of me I suppose- is still yearning for more and thinking about J. Maybe my hormones got the best of me plus the wine and the attraction, but there have been so many similar "opportunities" to do something with other men and I have never ever done anything. Why now? Have I ruined everything? I love my husband so much and I want to be with him forever. I cannot talk to my friends or anyone about this. I´m too ashamed. Ashamed by my actions and even more ashamed about catching myself thinking about J. What the hell is wrong with me, and what the hell should I do? Please help me, all advice will be much appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): One prior poster said is rather properly, you put yourself into a risky situation thousands of times, and it happens.
You are no different than anyone else in that regard, rock climbers, auto racers, etc.
Add alcohol or drugs into the mix and it is certain to happen.
Try this quiz on for size. Be honest with yourself.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
Now, what to do? Many choices.
Lie to your husband, for the rest of your life, and know that you can't control what "J" says, which could lead to your husband finding out about the lies...from someone else. Bad idea....and almost always a circle of people end up talking about it, often behind your and his backs.
Then, your husband, blissfully unaware of it, is a laughing stock because he is the only person that doesn't know his wife is/has making/made a fool of him.
Or, keep silent/lying, hope nobody talks, and if you are fortunate nobody talks, live in fear of this coming out till the fear dies down, then continue to lie to only one person, your husband, for as long as you and he both live, and letting it eat you alive from inside as people around you divorce, have affairs, and infidelity among friends comes up, and act like you'd never do such a thing and be a hypocritical commentator about those friends. All the while hoping your husband himself falls prey to such a situation, so you won't feel so bad yourself. Then, every time you have sex you think of how you cheated, while it impairs your intimacy and fucks up your sex life.
Been there, gone through that, from being a laughingstock, to the person who wondered why his wife was becoming so withdrawn during sex and not having orgasms any longer, to a counselor, then another, then another, nearly to the point of leaving, before she was able to confess this terrible secret that happened while she was drinking with a "friend", which is what happened to my wife...she couldn't deal with the lies any longer.
There is no substitute for the truth, and accepting the consequences of your actions. It is immature and selfish to do otherwise. Will it be easy, no. Will it mean you won't lose your husband, no. Will it make your life better in the long run, yes.
"How did I go from a happy wife to a cheating slut in one night?"
Alcohol...pure and simple.
With additional influences on top of that.
As for gaining understanding, read the following
http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 January 2012):
Tell your husband if you want to break his heart and hurt him forever, otherwise forget it as a moment of drunken irresponsibility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Sorry "Random guys" should be "guy friends".
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Boonridge, you're making the assumption that J will never in his life let slip that this happened. You're also forgetting that she will keep on flirting, being cozy with guys and will put herself in this position again whether it's with J or with another guy, if it happened once it can happen again now that she know she can.
If she was 100% committed to him it wouldn't have happened. The fact is she initiated this and this wasn't a one time mistake because she has admitted to having real feelings for this J guy. It's not about the marriage any more it's about what's best for her husband because up until now she's been doing everything for herself and not considering him at all.
You're also assuming that she can actually live a life of a lie and be able to keep this to herself without completely cracking up from the guilt.
Shouldn't she actually give her husband that choice? What use is a marriage with a woman who he can't trust because she can't trust herself and one who is willing to live a lie and keep it from him too, that's not a marriage then, that's one big lie and I doubt it ill bring either of them happiness in the long run. Plus if they didn't use protection then there's possibilities of STI's and pregnancy here. What if her husband finds out through contracting an STI from her?
This situation will not get any better and it will only take one of the above or the 100's of other little things that could happen for him to find out and then there is almost zero chance of him wanting to stay with her.
The best chance she has is to come clean because while it may be the end of the relationship it's the best chance she has at being able to atone for this mistake but I honestly don't see this working out with either of those options seeing as she's a flirt, gets cozy with guys and hangs out alone on bed with random guys getting drunk. How is he ever supposed to feel comfortable with her living that kind of life?
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 if you want to save your marriage i wouldn't confess. your guilt is the punishment for your bad behaviour but telling him about a one night drunken stand after 15 years of marriage risks jeopardising everything you have for no obvious gain.
to all the people here who say you should tell- how many marriages survive this kind of betrayal followed by a confession and how many get back on track without any confession.
just because you made a bad decision doesn't mean you have to follow it up with more.
cheating was a mistake you regret don't destroy your marriage for a one night stand. it would be totally different if you had been having an affair while sober...
there are degree's of cheating and your punishment is the guilt which you should have to put up with as you deserve it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Sorry to say it OP but as much as you think you love your husband he's not the one for you. As you said you've been acting single pretty much your entire relationship, flirting (which I don't really find anything wrong with), getting cozy with your male friends, for you all this was a lead up to this and now the only guy you can think of is this J guy.
This is what happens unfortunately OP. You put yourself in this situation thousands of times and you really expected nothing to happen ever? You let guys go to bed with you and think nothing will ever happen?
You need to tell your husband and let him decide what's best for him. You've opened the door to another guy and now you've lost control of your feelings and find yourself still lusting after J. Is that fair on your husband? I think the only thing for it is to tell your husband everything and deal with the consequences. Flirting and cozying up to other guys may have been something he was okay with before but it's always playing with fire OP so there is nothing shocking to me about what happened, you've been leading horses to water for years, eventually one of them was going to take a drink.
So talk to him and be honest. You don't need to get into the details but one detail I wouldn't leave out is that you initiated this so it wasn't an accident, you wanted it and part of you wants more of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): you should tell your husband . Give him the opportunity to decode what je wants to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): You've been in this situation many times and it only happens now ? You're only human, and humans make mistakes. Acting on instinct rather than rationality leads us into dangerous situations. I think your husband would forgive you a one off mistake if you confess. It will put a strain on your relationship, maybe for some time but better he hears it from you than somebody else . You still have a chance of retaining his trust if you talk to him now. Its not unnatural to be attracted to others when married but it is a violation of trust to act on it.
Talk to your husband. I doubt he will want to throw away a 15year relationship because of one mistake. You do need to ask yourself seriously if you are able to provide him with exclusivity. If honestly you don't think so, time to consider alternatives.
Bottom line, you messed up but you don't have to make it a deception. You're not a 'cheating slut', just a typical human failing to do their 100 percent best, 100 percent of the time. 'Cheating sluts' don't have a conscience. You clearly do.
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A
female
reader, mykah  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 The mere fact that you did it is a betrayal to your husband, if you want to save your marriage better yet you confess to your husband. You should be fair enough then as you were tempted to do so. Just sit with your husband and have a heart to heart talk. You should be ready to face the consequences of everything. Anyway, it's all your stupidity sorry to say. Goodluck...
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