A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am about to turn 26 and I'm freaking out about my age. Technically I know I'm still very young, but I'm scared about having kids too late. This is getting concerning for my boyfriend, and I'm trying not to bring the topic up too often now.My mother was 39 when she had me, and she died of cancer when I was 10. I have this horrible feeling that I will get cancer too, so I worry that I may already be halfway through my life. Meanwhile my dad is 70, and not in great health. I'm scared that if I wait more than a couple of years to have a child, he won't be around to meet them. The child would have almost nobody on my side of the family.My boyfriend is bewildered by this. His parents were in their twenties when he was born, and are both alive and well. He still has three of his grandparents (mine all passed when I was very young) and a huge extended family living nearby. He says there's no hurry and he doesn't want to think about kids for at least 5 years. He's 3 years younger than me, so I can get where he's coming from. But I'm beginning to panic. It feels like an emergency to me. I don't know how I'll wait 5 years. I also worry we'll get bored or something in those 5 years without something new happening to keep life interesting. We've only been together 3 and a half years and I feel like I've known him forever. Five years would feel like so much more. If we get bored and break up, I'd have to start over from scratch and I don't have time!I am about to graduate from college and I'm hoping to get a stable job and begin saving ASAP. My boyfriend will graduate next year. I'd preferably like to be in the position to have a child within about 3 years, and I feel like that could be possible for us. But if my boyfriend isn't on board with this...what do I do? Wait for him to be ready? Hope that he'll be ready a year or two earlier than he thinks? This is a big thing for me. It's not that being a mother is ALL I want from life, but I have always known I wanted to be one. Is it wrong to be this anxious to have a baby? How should I approach this problem? I'm losing my mind over here! And I don't want to drive him away with my worrying, but I don't know how to handle and hide it. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 April 2019):
 The math is interesting. You are 26 he is 23. You got together 3 1/2 tears ago when he was 20 and you were 23.
You were born when your mother was 39 and your father was 44. Your parents married when dad was 47 and mom was 42 and you were 3. Mom dies when you were 10, dad was 54 (my age approx) and she was 49. You are pretty insistent that you get a baby before you are 30.
The panic and emergency feelings that you are feeling sound alot like biological clock. This could be a lot more hormonal than a true premonition.
You have a family history of cancer so you should be paying attention to your screenings, and eating a healthy diet high in antioxidants.
Finishing up your education is a great idea. Getting that job that allows you to save, and live near your Boyfriend is hard. Are you already working on that?
When to have children, how many children to have, These are decisions that should be shared between the parents. Both of you need to agree on these.
What that means is no sneaky "oops I forgot to take my pill for three months". Do this right. The best way to help another person change their mind is, by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned. Not by arguing, bickering or demanding.
I do hope you find as much joy in your children as I have in mine.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2019): Please try not to take this in the harsh way it sounds:You have plenty of time to have a baby. If you expect to die young, marriage is important for stability and why have babies just to leave them without a mother? You experience it, then die with no need of the experience and they’d be left with the trauma of being motherless and with a father who wasn’t ready. When we die, we don’t have the ability to hold on to memories or experiences; the living do - which is why rushing because you are worried about dying young is not a good thing. Never rush into being responsible for a baby/child.He is even younger than you, so most guys (and women) aren’t ready, at 23 - 26, to *seriously* think about kids. Unfortunately, that’s a common downside of being with someone younger. Now is the time to prepare yourself financially for LIFE, *then* prepare for children. 30 - 35 is a good age for starting to actually try for kids, provided you’re in a good position to.Graduate and get a stable job - the first one after university is rarely the one you have when you have children, so build it up. In 3 years, review your relationship. If he’s still not ready, you let go and move on.Please don’t let your mother’s death cause you to speed up your life out of fear. Family planning should be done slowly and responsibly - not quickly and out of panic.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 April 2019):
I've seen that when it comes to the important decisions in life, like marriage, work and children, unless both partners are on the same page, it is very difficult to make it work. I think first things first, you need to sit him down and tell him about your three year plan and see if he's willing to get on board. If he is, then you plan the next step. If he isn't, then you move on because you've decided what you want and you don't have time to waste. As harsh as it sounds, your boyfriend is not responsible for your insecurities and you're not responsible for his. He will never know what you've gone through because he's never walked in your shoes. It's better to start from scratch... and believe me it's never too late... than to hold on to something that you know isn't working out. You're allowed to have your dreams and you shouldn't have to give it up.
Next, and this is something I think you should do... Get married before you have a baby. Give me one reason why you shouldn't. You're right, marriage isn't necessary for you to have kids but there's a reason why it's there in the first place. A child needs both partners and a stable home and why not? You might think it's not important to be married but it is... Both for your sake and for the child.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 April 2019):
 Given your family history I can understand your concerns. I also understand that is some cultures (Australia for example), marriage prior to children is not seen as essential, and motherhood without a wedding certificate is quite common.
To me a three year timetable seems quite reasonable, you should know by then how you are travelling financially, and if you will be in a position to be able to support a child. Maybe leave the conversation alone until you have graduated and are in steady employment. Then raise the subject again, if your boyfriend is still non committal you will need to decide if you are happy to wait for his timetable or if you want to break up with the hope of finding somebody new or even going it alone as a supporting parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2019): It's the OP here. Just to clarify, the reason I don't think about marriage first might also have something to do with my upbringing. My parents didn't marry until I was 3, and then it was a casual "just with two witnesses in the registry office" affair. My older brother has been with his partner for about 10 years, they have kids and a house, but they're not married yet. Don't know if they'll ever get round to it. I guess where I'm coming from, marriage really isn't seen as "necessary" for having kids and being a family. I'm more anxious to be a mother soon than a wife; you can get officially married any time, but motherhood has a smaller window of opportunity (especially if you think you might die reasonably young).
My boyfriend, on the other hand, would probably be more inclined to be traditional and go for marriage first. We have talked about marriage. I don't know exactly how soon he envisions it though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2019): Urgency and anticipation has brought a lot of children into the world to single-mothers. I guess fathers don't count anymore, and marriage is just a "thing."
You can't read the future, but you seem to have many fears and anxieties about the future. Having a baby with someone who isn't ready for parenthood is a bad idea. I don't think there are many guys out there who like the idea of being treated like a sperm-donor; whether are ready for fatherhood or not. Let alone marriage!
No, it is not wrong to be anxious; but losing your mind about it doesn't make for a stable mother of the present, or future. I'm afraid there are a lot of women who have married men they don't really love to get children; but we've got a generation of fatherless kids out there. So what should we do, what should we do?
Tell your boyfriend you want to be a mother; and you're not sure where the relationship is going. Then he can tell you exactly what he's feeling about it; and you both can make a decision. You may not be the one he wants to mother his children. You may not find a suitable father in the immediate future. So, you slow your roll; and take it one day at a time. You decide if this relationship is going to evolve as you want it to. If you can't settle your mind to believe he wants what you want; then you have to do what's best for you.
I agree, five years is too long for you; but not for him. Is there room for compromise? Marriage and kids may not be his goal for another five years as he told you. Now what? You do what's best for YOU!
It wouldn't be selfish, it would be necessary to meet your own life-goals, and to satisfy those needs you're longing for.
Consider marriage before kids. Kids need stable homes and fathers are just as important in a family unit as mothers.
Men aren't just sperm-donors or optional. Everybody's having kids and leaving men the option to go free; and forget about their offspring like wild animals.
Women should stop allowing men to enjoy free-sex with no obligation or responsibility for the kids we bring into this world. Kids deserve better than what they're getting from adults. It's better to have a kid late in life you can give a stable home and two parents; than a mother struggling all by herself, and having to explain to a kid why there's no dad around? Just a support-check in the mail.
I don't care if that sounds old-fashioned. My nephew works in the criminal-justice system with juvenile offenders. Most of them have no dads at home; and he has told me many are resentful of it. They love their moms, and understand her struggles; but hate never knowing who their dad is. It has made him all the more close to his daughters, and a better husband. He sees the results every single day, and wants to be sure his girls aren't one of those kids. No guarantees, but he can sleep nights.
If he's not ready, but you are. Maybe he's not the one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2019): Hello,
I am in the same boat as I'm nearing 27 and would love to have children and a family, however I've learnt from a lot of people around me that you have PLENTY of time to do this! Go and enjoy your life and do the things you want to do (i.e. holidays), as when the time comes to do have children all your attention and money does go to them! There is no need to panic about this, you do have a lot of time to go. I know where your partner is coming from, however maybe talk to him about how you feel? Don't pressure him into having children ASAP as this may put a strain on the relationship, however just explain how you feel r.e your mother and family not being there and are worried about something similar happening to your children. I know a lot of people who have saved up before having children and have had a child in their early 30's, so please don't worry!
I don't know whether this is the same in Ireland, but usually you need to be working somewhere for about 1 year to get a decent maternity leave / a secure job once your maternity leave has finished. So please take that into consideration!
You shouldn't consider becoming bored within the relationship if you don't have a child. Maybe take this time to become closer together? Romantic holidays? Trips away? Doing something you don't normally do? And also something that you're able to do together to enjoy each others company before planning to have a baby together. Save for a wedding? (if you plan on getting married?)
However I will mention if you do have any medical conditions with your family and are worried about yourself having anything, then please see a doctor. Especially with cancer instances, I do believe that if you have any concerns they will be happy to offer any tests/screening to make sure.
I hope this information has helped. As a woman as well, I do understand your urgency and maternal feelings to have a child, but please know that it will come to you, both you and your partner need to see where the other is coming from and mutually decide what to do. Don't over think this situation and don't drive yourself crazy over it. I see my friends my age having newborn babies and it makes me reaaally want a child, but I know that it's best to take your time. Again you also don't want to rush into such a big commitment like this for life if you're not financially / emotionally stable.
Take care.
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