A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I have a problem, and sorry if this gets long, but it's really bothering me. I've been with my boyfriend (we'll call him D)for almost 7 months and we've been friends for three years. He's very loving and a great boyfriend and just all around a good person...but the relationship has its problems, mostly because of his past. When we had only been together for 3 weeks we took a trip to Niagara Falls and we had sex and we've been doing it ever since. It was my first time but not his. At the time I was very happy about giving him my virginity and I knew it was the right decision. I had been in a serious relationship right before D, a 3 and half year one (long story) and the guy I was with (we'll call him J) was very much in love with me and we wanted to give our virginity to each other. Obviously that never happened, I fell out of love with him, and then I decided that D was a better person for my first time. So the problem I'm having now is that D had sex with 3 other girls before me, two that were virgins. This makes me very angry and sad because I'm jealous. I wish that I had had sex with J just so that D wouldn't have been my first. I feel like he didn't deserve my virginity, and he didn't act very appreciative over it. I feel like I wasted my virginity. The first time is a big deal, ya know? And I'm angry because, years ago, D got to have his first time with another virgin...like, they had that magic moment of sharing their first times together. Now I can never have that with a guy because I wasted mine. I wish I had had that magic dual-first time moment with J, I feel like it would've been more special and I wouldn't have wasted my virginity. Also, I feel like D couldn't possibly appreciate my virginity because after the first girl he had sex with another virgin (a girl he barely even knew, for that matter). The third girl was kind of promiscuous so I don't really care about that. How could he possibly appreciate my virginity when he already had two other girls'? I'm so, SO angry that I wasted my virginity. I mean, my boyfriend has had sex with 3 virgins, and I've had sex with no other virgins. How could sex with me possibly be special for him? It's just...weird and I can't explain it, but it's tearing me apart. I think I'm jealous and disssappointed because now I can't share my virginity with someone who'd really appreciate it, like another virgin. It's my biggest regret. I love my boyfriend but thinking about this makes me feel like I hate him. Another thing that upsets me, and that might help clarify the situation, is that D has had a LOT of girlfriends and kissed more people than he can count. That really bothers me because I have only had one other relationship and have only kissed two other people. All that makes me angry for some reason and I don't quite understand it. If anyone can give some words of encouragement or can relate, please post something because I'm emotionally a mess over this and I don't know how to get over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I do have some self-esteem problems that's probably causing all this. I'm sure it is. But I definitely don't want to just end the realtionship so I really don't think I'm looking for excuses.
And D is not a rebound. I understand how you might come to that conclusion, but I was completely over my last byofriend before I even ended that relationship.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 February 2008):
 I can understand your being upset over giving up your virginity to someone who doesn't value the importance. I'm trying to think if the guy I gave mine up to did and I don't think he did either, but it didn't bother me. I don't think you should focus on this. What's done is done and you can never get that back. Please remember that the first time with someone new is always special so you do have that to look forward to. It doesn't sound like D made this experience very special for you.
It doesn't sound like you respect D either (because of his sexual past) and this will trickle into the relationship eventually. Seriously consider if you want to stay with him or not. Otherwise, you may be wasting your time while the right loving, caring man who will make you feel special will walk on by.
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A
female
reader, bexy_cutebabe  +, writes (2 February 2008):
Hi there,
I've just finished reading your letter and it seems to me that you are just finding excuses to fond a way out of this relationship with "D". I can competely understand how you feel because I've been in the same situation as you are in now and I felt like he didn't care that I had given him my virginity because he wsn't a virgin. But I found out later that this was my own self esteem problems and the only way fr me to deal with them was to talk it through with someone who was nutral.
So my advice to you is to talk things through with someone a really think about whether or not "D" was a rebound guy from "J". Keep me posted.
Beccy
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