A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i am relatively young, and still have a long way to go in my life, but for the most part i am extremely mature for my age. Although i have had alot of life experience, i have never had a real boyfriend.This isnt to say that i dont have experience with guys, it simply means that it has never reached the level of committment due to some kind of excuse. Whether this is due to the lack of committment shown in young men, who are always satisfied with "having a thing" rather than a relationship...or it may be due to the fact that i always find myself persuing older men. Like i mentioned before, this method has never officially worked out in my favor, and i am always the one to get hurt. It ranges anywhere from they're changing opinions on our age difference, to my unwillingness to have sex. For the most part i find that these men are tools, but there is one man that is just amazing. i met him two years ago and have been consistantly in love with him ever since with not the slightest fluctuation in feelings. Unfortunately, we have not been together ever since he gave me "the slow fade" method that scared guys do when they want out of a relationship. Eventually i found out that he had gotten back together with his ex of 3 years, but this didnt make my heart let go of him. I relpay everyday of my life the way it was in the beginning, and feed off the memories until in sick to my stomach. for the passed year or so, they have been extremely on and off in their relationship, and everytime they arent together i always find him contacting me. This doesnt mean sex. we have not ever gone farther than a kiss, which is what makes it so confusing. if it were for sex i would know he was using me, but its never been about that, which leaves me holding onto hopes that its really more.I know i should have more respect for myself than to be his "back up girl" in anyway, but my judgement is so entirely impaired by my love for him that i cant even give myself the choice to resist. Hes all i think about and dream about, and ive honestly never felt this way in my entire life. how can i feel this way without it being mutual? my heart cant bare the ups and downs of keeping up with him changing his mind all the time. everytim ei let him back in im at my happiest, and then again at my lowest when he once again leaves to get back w his girlfriend. I know that they have an abusive relationship in many ways, and i know that i could give him so much better, but does that mean that theyre not right for eachother? do you think he could ever get over the disfunctional pattern of his relationship and see the possitives in me? am i wasting my time on a guy that clearly only pays attention to me when his relationship backfires? What could i possibly mean to him if he knows he could have me but continues to get back w her? is there ever truely an end to crazy relationships like theres, or do i have to go somehow?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 Ok. To answer all of your questions:
1. It is not for us or you to decide whether they are right for each other. We dont know what their relationship is like, and you only know the one side of it when your ex comes crawling back moaning about her. He would never tell you all the good bits of their relationship, so really we cannot pass judgement on their compatibility. Regardless if they are right for each other or not, the fact is he keeps going back to her so he must have a very deep connection to her and must love her very much.
2. Probably Not. If they are always on and off, and he keeps going back each time then that indicates he wont let go of his relationship, even though it is dysfunctional and painful at times. He is not ready to give up on the relationship, therefore he will never see you as a better alternative.
3. Yes you are wasting your time. You are the "safety blanket" so to speak, the girl he knows that will always be waiting for him when he needs comfort. You will never be any more to him than that. I have the same situation with my ex - we broke up nearly 5 years ago and he stills texts me after a few drinks when something has gone a bit wrong in his life. He absolutely does not want a relationship with me, he just needs familiarity and comfort at these times. I used to hope that each text meant he thought of me when he needed someone, and that one day he would realise what he was missing and come back to me. 5 years on - it never happened! I ignore these texts now, as much as I will always care for him I know that nothing will ever happen between us so there is no point in letting him hurt me anymore. If his on/off girl found out about you and demanded he choose between the two of you - who do you think he would choose? My bet is his girlfriend, and he would happily delete you out of his life faster than you can imagine, just to please her.
4. What do you mean to him? Nothing, just a bit of a "pick me up" when he feels down. He is everything to you, whereas you are just some girl that he knows will always be waiting in the background if he needs someone to make him feel better. He does not care about you - he only cares about making himself feel better when he is feeling down. He wants his girlfriend, not you. You need to accept this pretty soon otherwise this cycle will keep going on and on!
5. Yes there is an end to a relationship like this. And YOU have to end it. I would maybe text him or email him saying that you can no longer be in his life because he is with his girlfriend now and you need him to move on. Ask him to not contact you again, and wish him all the best. If he tries to contact you, or gives you some false hope by saying something nice to you - ignore it because he does not mean it. At the end of the day if he loved you he would leave his girlfriend and be with you. This has not happened so no matter what he says to you, he does not want you therefore there is no point in believing his nonsense. You need to delete his number, email address, facebook etc. Remove him from your life and dont allow yourself to contact him again. You are only prolonging your pain if you keep in touch with him - you need a clean break from him otherwise he will keep on using you for his emotional pick-ups and you will never be able to move on. It will of course take time, and there will be many occasions where you want to speak to him - but those are the times you need to be strong and keep at the back of your mind that you are doing the right thing.
I have been through the same thing and come out at the other side, so I promise you can get over him. There are certain men in your life that will always be very special, and the key to getting over them is to accept that some part of you will always have feelings for them but it is ok to feel like that. I know I will always have feelings for my ex and some part of me will love him forever. It has taken me forever to get over him and I have come to accept that I probably never will be fully over him. But this is the key to feeling better - accepting these feelings but not letting them rule your life. Time really helps (I know that seems a bit rubbish right now!), and spending some time alone with no men in your life also helps. Allowing yourself to heal, cry about it all, get angry about it....then eventually come to terms with it is what you need to do, and this must be done alone. Dont try and replace him, or start dating again because it is important just to be alone and re-evaluate your situation. Figure out what you want from life, how you are going to achieve it, make plans and work towards a goal. When you start building your life without him in it, it will seem easier each day just to get on with it without thinking about him.
And just a little bit of hope for you - after many failed attempts at relationships since breaking up with my ex (I was trying to replace him and this really back-fired!) I spent 9 months being completely single, and it did wonders for me. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who I am planning on moving in with in August, and I really think I have found someone who (dare I say it) is much better than my ex in so many ways.
You are so very young and it seems this is your first real experience of love, and of course it is going to hurt when it doesnt work out. But you learn from these experiences, and it only makes you stronger. So now you need to be strong and cut this guy out of your life as he is not any good for you, allow yourself to be sad for a while and then move on and enjoy being young, free and single. These are the best years of your life, your entire future is ahead of you and you can be out there having loads of fun. Dont let some waste of space guy who is just using you ruin these years.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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