A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am always anxious and i miss you ex. I am 21 and I've been in a serious relationship since i was 16. We were amazing together. Of course we had our ups and downs but mostly things were great, until last year. Things went all downhill and we fought non stop. He would swear at me and make me really upset. He was always the comfort in my life and I've always turned to him for support. Since our fights I've started getting really bad panic attacks and was scared he would leave me and now he did. We were completely in love and i feel really betrayed by him. He still says he loves me he just doesn't think we should be together anymore. It hurts so much. I often feel like life without him isn't even worth living. I know there are plenty of guys out there and i could be fine on my own but i just miss him so much. Its been a little over a month now that we have broken up and i don't feel better at all. I feel like i turn to people for support and i talk to guys for comfort but it's just making things worse. I just don't like to be alone. I cry often. And comfort with other guys isn't even comfort. I can't stop my anxiety and i am also not doing good in college anymore. I used to get straight A's and now I've been getting C's on my exams. What do i do to make the pain and anxiety do away?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): Thanks for all your responses. I agree with all of you. I just miss him lots and yes he was my first. He was my best friend and thats the hardest part of losing :(
I really hate the anxiety though, its really intense sometimes i feel like im gona collapse.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 October 2011):
 I must ask you, and you don't have to answer in print here, but did you lose your virginity to him? Was he your first?
If the answer is yes, a lot of what you're feeling is that bonding chemical that happens many times when women first lost their virginity to a guy. You must recognize it for what it is and acknowledge that it may be clouding your ability to think and assess the situation clearly.
If the answer is no, then this is your ego. Some people simply cannot handle rejection or failure, and will throw your world out of balance crying and stubbornly holding onto the pain and grief and injustice of failure in a relationship. Rejection is truly an untenable situation, and the ego simply will not let it go until it's had a sense of "satisfaction" or "rectification".
There is one way to get out of this. I know you've been grieving the relationship, and I know that there are all sorts of these bonding chemicals and all that, but you must switch over from these out-of-control emotions to your very logical brain. Your intellect will save you.
Think of it this way. You two were fighting. He was verbally abusing you by swearing at you. He was mistreating you. Eventually, he dumped you.
You must look to your future. You may feel betrayed, but if you truly give up on life and waste away like you want to do, he wins. Are you really going to let one guy destroy your life?? You're in college for your future. You're in position to go far in life, yet one guy you'll let ruin you for life. You should wrap your ego around THAT and not around some rejection by a guy.
You've also been used to being supported by someone else. It's time to learn the important skill of being supported by no one. By standing on your own. Being independent may seem terrifying, but learning it will make you go far in life. Life isn't about this one guy, and it's unfair to you and to all of those who have invested in you to get you where you are now to cave in.
This guy will have to live with his decision. I would suggest not contacting this guy, checking on him over and over, and making yourself sick over him. There will come a point in time where you'll start thinking less of him. Get involved in other things and enrich who you are as a person. Don't worry about finding love again now. Make yourself your project.
Think of it this way...if you bomb in college, you derail your life. That's too much to give to some stupid ex who abused you, swore at you, and mistreated you. Come on! Is your virginity really worth that much?? NO! Fight for yourself!
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A
female
reader, amandanash  +, writes (2 October 2011):
The pain unfortunately doesn't go away over night. I just got dumped by the love of my life, and it hurts more and more, it doesn't ever seem to get better. I have severe anxiety problems, and have to be on meds for it, so i can relate to the panic attacks.
And i know the feeling of "sure there are plenty of guys out there, but I don't think there is anyone for me, and no one who was as good as my ex". At least, thats how I often feel.
But think about the bad times. Think about why you were fighting. Looking back now you may think "well, maybe those fights wern't so bad...maybe we could have worked it out." No, you couldn't have. You were fighting for some reason, and he was cruel about it. Swearing at you is unacceptable. That is no way to be treated. He clearly showed his true colors there. What if you were married and you got into a huge fight, worse than any fight before. Would the swearing turn into hitting? Would the anger and revenge turn into cheating? If he can't deal with fighting, and it makes you two seperate, how could you ever deal with it in the future?
Know that the seperation was TRUELY for the best. And you don't have to drill into your brain that you'll find someone else, thats not what's important right now. What's important is that you realize and see the flaws in the last relationship, understand and fully let go of it.
I know there will be many unanswered questions, and lots of hurt going around, but every day you'll get stronger.
Be done with hoping that you can work it out, be done with thinking he can change. He can't change. Don't let him drag your heart around. Your heart belongs to YOU, not him.
The loneliness does get hard, I agree. Call up your friends often, spend lots of time out. You may think you are bothering people, but trust me, friends want to be there for you. And call up new people you've met, or old friends. It's always good to re-kindle.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (2 October 2011):
 There is nothing you can do to make the pain of the anxiety go away - all you can do is take control over it. Everytime that wave of panic comes over you get up and do something. Make a drink, or do something physical The pain of losing someone is vey hard to deal with and it will take time for you to gain any comfort or fun being with any other guy, normally because you are always comparing. What you need to do is think back over the relationship and the areas that you weren't happy with. Were you truly happy and liked all the things he did or were you just happy to be in a relationship although you mentioned that he wasn't all that nice to you all the time. Anxiety and panic attacks are very frightening and you need to be able to over come then. Try any form of relaxation, oils, meditation. When you are feeling down and sad like this always look after yourself and spoil yourself a bit. Buy a few things that you would like, make the house look nice, re-arrange things but most importantly take care of you. You will get stronger day by day and the anxiety will fade away. Give other men a chance too.
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A
male
reader, sheeraz  +, writes (2 October 2011):
 dear, you should make your social activities, have fun, do your home chores, make new friends, keep yourself busy in studying and live your life thinking that he was your past and he lost you. If he seriously loved you, the things should not have gone this way as you told.. Have fun, have busy life. i wish you best of luck.
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