A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here's the gist:I dated a guy for 9 months, but it wasn't ever serious. Then he moved away and that was that, and this was almost 2 years ago! We have remained in contact and I saw him twice after he left, and we hooked up both times. It's been 2 years now, and he just got a new girlfriend...blurgh.So the problem is, I am still not over this stupid guy! He wasn't nice to me, and I knew the whole time we weren't right for each other. He was very selfish and narcissistic and did not value my feelings or needs. And I put up with it (I would definitely not now, lesson learned.) But I've never had a full on, real relationship before, and this was the closest to a real one I've ever had! I do love him in my heart, but my brain knows that he was bad for me, and that I need to move the heck on.So why can't I? It's so aggrivating! I'm like obsessed with this dude and I don't want to be! I stopped talking to him when I recently discovered he has a new lady. But I'm very jealous of her, and I'm so sad he has someone and I'm still alone.I've gone out on lots of dates and guys seem to like me, but I haven't met any guys who've made my heart flutter yet. Maybe that's the problem?Anyone have any advice for how I can finally let this guy go? Anyone ever had a torch burn for someone years later, even though they could give two poops about you? And maybe someone can tell me that I'm not a total loser or crazy for feeling this way! Oh, and I'm almost 28, still never had an official relationship. I'm getting closer and closer to becoming that crazy cat lady!
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 April 2011):
 Sounds like you need to get out there and get beyond this guy. Your last "relationship" sounds better than what it was because, let's face it, you are alone right now. And ANYTHING is better than being alone. Personally, I think you are using his memory to avoid the pain of feeling alone.
I think it is time to get out in the world and try some new things. Hit the gym, start exercising, go to a dating website and open an account, go to your church or local social organization, volunteer at a charity event -- find something you like to do that other people will be doing. Get out there and do something so that people see you and meet you.
If you are cooped up in your house with your cats, yeah you are going to be that crazy cat lady.
Live life and don't worry too much about the guys. Make yourself available to meet them and before you know it, you'll find one that shares similar interests. You just have to be ready and out there for it to happen and have your "stuff" together.
Best wishes and good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I've gone out on lots of dates and guys seem to like me, but I haven't met any guys who've made my heart flutter yet. Maybe that's the problem?YEA..u need to get him outta ur head..try to see through him..u might find he's not that good and not worth it...let ur heart open and available..don't stuck in the dark cloud..COME OUT NOW!!!!!!!!...maybe ur soulmate is there..the one who's perfect and worth it...but ur still in the smoke and can't see through..so come out now....and when the time comes..u'll be amazed lol :D :)with best of wishes:)
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A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 April 2011):
I second CUPIDUS' posting...she's no nonsense, aye?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I found when my relationship ended that for a peruod of about 2 years I could not stop thinking about him. When he got a new girlfriend and then moved in with her and they then had a baby I almost thought I was going to die with frustration, anger and pent up emotion. It was literally all I could think about for years. It affected my job, my looks, everything. All I can say is that eventually and I do mean eventually it all starts to get better. You realise that this person is never coming back and that they do not care for you at all anymore. My boyfriend wasn't particularly nice either but I loved him inside and relied on him for my self worth. I live in London and used to go shopping on a Saturday and see all these happy couples in book shops, having coffee etc and I was so jealous and envious of what they had. It got so bad I couldn't go anywhere where I thought there might be couples together. Eventually and there was no event or time limit that made me feel differently I finally realised that we are all alone (apart from the cats) and that a relationship was nice but it was not necessary for survival. I have concentrated on increasing my self worth and proving to myself that I can exist on my own and if someone comes along that is an added bonus but it doesn't matter one way or another. It is also important to acknowledge and accept that the other person doesn't want you in their life anymore. This is hard as you go round and round in your head but fundamentally this is not going to change anything. The person does not care at all how you feel. Try conentrating on that area and focussing on the fact that you do not need him for your happiness and things will improve. It does take a lot of time so don't worry. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): Please consider reading the book Keeping the Love You Find. I gave it a read to help me analyze why I kept dating the same wrong guy.
To be honest it seems that the bad boy will always be the most attractive to you. The best thing for you to do right now is probably to end all contact with him until. As long as you two are still in communication you will continue to feel like there could be a chance... even though he may not.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Selfish Narcissistic people run on impulse.Think of it like this.To him people are restaurants. One sells his favorite pizza, the other his favorite chocolate cake, yet another his most desired Alfredo. When the craving calls he'll desire one or the other and act upon it almost immediately.He knows nothing of putting off self gratification.He/She will line up a cycle of their favorite restaurants and place their reservations according to the flavor of the day.So if you're his favorite latte, when it hits him he'll be looking for you and it will satisfy him greatly and he'll be all mmm and yes and oh so good, because HE'S loving it.When he finishes his latte it's gone, it's over, the cup is empty, so it makes zero sense for him to stay when nothing is present, he sees nothing, just walls and maybe even a sense of "why am I still here?" So he moves on, sated and full until he desires something else to feed on. And I said SOMETHING else, not someone else because to him you are only a SOMETHING. Scary eh?It's so weird to think that you just spent time with someone and you weren't even there. It's a freaky feeling and that freaky feeling starts to get you a tad miffed and starts to act out and shout "I'm not a latte!"So now your addiction begins, and I can't call it an addiction, its a validation. Now you have to prove to him that you are a HUMAN. Try as you might this is an illusion to him, you are just food, what you're say is now a mystery to him. But then comes the rejection, because he knows talking to food makes him look like a crazy man. So he takes you off the list of favorite restaurants. Done! So now you are left with no closure, no validation, and total rejection.That spells one thing "NEED" The most scariest symptom that narcissists leave you with. The ONLY one positive thing I can think of that a narcissist can do for any of us is give us the lesson of knowing what we NEED. They do it so well, they will pray on people who do not know what they NEED. Look at your needs, you are not looking at or venturing to attain your needs.What are they, don't feel selfish because often if we get what we need we can create a lovely happy self that spreads goodness to those around us. Sometimes we mix ourselves up with selfish people because we just can't stand to think there is anything right about being selfish, we deny that part of ourselves.Go crazy and list all and any needs you desire, be WAY selfish, and write them done. Select a few easy ones and go about manifesting them. Don't be afraid you will become a narcissist, you can't because you'd be one already.GO NOW AND FEEL YOUR NEED
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