A
male
age
51-59,
*r.Worry
writes:I need help.I've known my g/f 2 years as friends.We've always told each other everything,even the bad stuff.I'd say we know each other well.We feel in love in November and spend tons of time on the phone.I know everyone will think it's stupid but we are in love without even seeing each other.I have a paralized right arm,no ankles and have a very bad limp.I have tons of scars and I've shown her all of them.She used to date a guy in a wheelchair and she's a head nurse.She tell me my body is fine and she loves me 4 way more than just my looks.Being a bodybuilder at the time of my accident did a number on me and caused me to not date and be celibate oalmost 16 years.I never planned to ever fall in love again but when i thought all was lost here was the woman i needed.She looks over my many flaws like no self estemm,jealousy,clingness,etc....She actually loves me for me.But I love my grandmother and I'm all she has.She and my granhfather raised me.In my teenage years they paid me out of situations that should have put me in prison so I owe her.My problem is how to deal with it when my grandmother doesn't like her?I know she won't because my g/f has 4 grown kids and 2 grandkids.She loves her family so much and seeing that makes me love her even more,but my grandmother will think of her bad points which I have no problem with,i have my own.She's coming to stay here a week this spring.My grandmother doesn't know yet and is very old school and would never let her stay here.I'd want to stay with her at the hotel but that would really upset my grandmother.I'm 40,my g/f is 46 and grandmother is 84.What do I do?My g/f says if all goes well,in her line or work she can find a job near me.Right now she's 975 miles away,yet she's coming to see me.That says alot to me.So what am i to do?My grandmother will freak because of she's been marrtied before and has 4 kids and 2 grandkids.If I din't tell enough,just tell me.Thx to you all:)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): I am so heartened to hear your happy story about meeting this woman (after you had given up hope). I need to say something because I think very often our family ties really do bind us - quite literally. There is something called 'blind loyalty'. That is, despite the opportunity for happiness, to make decisions and to move on we are unable to do so because of 'blind loyalty' to a member of the family and any pain or hurt it may or may not create. In this case it is your Grandmother. I am sure I will not be the first person to say that whilst you love and respect your Grandmother it is NOT her life. She had a life before you were born and I doubt she has worried a great deal about asking your permission for everything she has done since you were little. You are a grown man and this is such a tough time for you but I am begging you to not let ANY other person influence your decisions in this matter. If this woman is to be your future then I cannot imagine a more amazing feeling. Your Grandmother will not be around forever (I am sorry to be blunt) and your future is your own. You are not old and you have many many years of opportunities left - and wow...possibly a ready made family in a sense if things really got serious! Hold firm and be true and honest to yourself. You are letting yourself down if you let guilt get in the way of happiness. Lots of luck to you.
A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (2 February 2008):
 This sounds somewhat like a father daughter relationship. The father dislikes the guy who wants to court his daughter. Low and behold it is because the father could enventually lose his daughter to this guy.
In most cases, though, it works out.
I think your grandmother is worried she will lose you to this woman and she will not have the same amount of time with you that she has in the past.
Perhaps if you were to sit down with her and talk over the situation with her she will better understand your needs and be more receptive to the idea.
If she loves you like I think she does, she will listen.
Best wishes and I hope it all works out. Doc
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 I will divide my answer in two parts.
Part 1: You and your grandma
Your grandmother has no right to demand that you don't meet this woman. You're a grown man. I understand she helped you a lot, and you're all she has, but you have a right to love somebody. And this is your right, not something your grandma will gracefully grant you.
If I were your grandma, I would be happy that you find someone. Everybody needs someone to love. I suppose you have been through a lot of pain, and a woman who loves you is a great event in your life. I would think very hard before opposing to your being with her. It is very difficult to find a woman who will truly love you.
I don't want to be blunt, crude, rude, whatever, but if you are to get involved with a woman approximately your age chances are she'll have been married and have kids. And then, who is to say, at first sight, that a woman with children is worse than a woman without children? I think your grandma will understand all this. Maybe you could find a 40-year old without children; but then she would also need to like you. Life has its ways, and you have found this woman. Seize the day.
Your gratitude for your grandma doesn't mean she has to approve who you see and who you don't.
Let's be selfish for a minute, and I say "selfish" for lack of a better word. What will happen to you when your grandma dies? You mentioned you're all she has. You know, I have the feeling that she's all you have, too. I'm not suggesting that you get involved with this woman as a kind of safety net, just to have someone who will look after you when she's gone. But I do want you to notice that your life will be much longer than your grandma's, and as of this moment you're headed to a lonely life without love. You need to think about this, and so does she. Would you find another woman, just as willing to be with you? That's one question none of us can really answer. When a love goes away, maybe we will never be loved as much again. So, one more time, my recommendation is that you seize the day.
Part 2: This new woman
You said you are just going to meet this woman for the first time. I know you're close and you have discussed it for long, but, to be honest, this is where the real relationship will begin. It's one thing to talk over the phone and an absolutely different thing to be involved in person. Because I understand how valuable she is to you, I just would like you to be prepared if things didn't work out the way you expect.
And then, man, there's something I want to say. You said you have problems with your self-esteem. Let me say that you shouldn't. It takes a real man to take the step you're taking. I commend you on not giving up, no matter what. Maybe this is what she saw in you.
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