A
male
age
26-29,
*ront2back
writes:I'm a shitty person and an asshole. I can't treat a girl right and even though I would want a good, committed relationship, I would just fail and hurt her. When I was 17 and a senior in high school, I met a just newly turned 15 year old sophomore. She may not have been hot or have a lot of friends, but I thought she was amazing. I dated her after 2 weeks of talking, and because she wanted to take things slow, didn't kiss until about a month in (we agreed to no sex). I tried to be a good guy to her, I tried to hang out with her, listen to her problems and remind her that I thought she was amazing, despite her troubled past. I bought her a necklace with a butterfly on it for Christmas and it was her favorite color: blue. Anyways, about 5 months in she broke up with me. I was shocked. She told me why and I realized how much of a self absorbed asshole I was. I was too busy focussing on myself and college. I thought this was ok, because we weren't in love and it was only supposed to be semi-serious. However, I hurt her. I would be too busy talking instead of listening. I hurt her because I wanted to move past 1st base when she didn't and I tried about every time I could, since sometimes she'd want to go further and other times not, I had no idea where the line was drawn. Eventually she had been talking/hanging out with this 14 year old freshman guy for a few weeks before she broke up with me. He said the right things, he was a good guy, I wasn't. She left me for him and 5 days after the breakup started shoving their relationship in my face. I tried to be on good terms when we broke up but she didn't want anything to do with me. She did things for him she never did for me, like putting the anniversary date in her bio or posting the text convos. I blocked/unfollowed her and haven't contacted or even seen her since March (the breakup). I know I deserve it, and I know I don't deserve another relationshp ever agian. What should I do? Why do I suck so much? If I can't even treat a 15 year old girl decently, how will I ever treat a real woman decently now that I'm an adult?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 September 2014):
 Listen to me very carefully, front2back, and listen good.
There are two types of reality here:
1. The bubble of your high school years, where the most crucial of skills are learned, where things that you will value in high school years are nothing compared to what happens after high school, but in high school, everything is all or nothing. Everything is lived within the moment. Everything is all emotion and no reason.
and
2. The real world. Things that mattered in high school no longer apply. Immaturity is burned or melted away, and things you valued in yourself or girls are very different. Being sucked into the drama of someone else's troubled life is seen for what it is: toxic and derailing to life's true goals.
You cannot transfer your high school learning experiences into real life. You didn't rape this 15 year old, and what guy hasn't had a hormonal moment and wanted to go further? But when she said stop, you did.
Also, she mistreated you by cheating on you with this other guy (or at least seeing him before you broke up), didn't give you the chance to talk over the relationship, but unceremoniously dumped her. In fact, I'd say that since she was already on this other guy, all of her crap about you being "self-absorbed" was a smoke screen for making her look like the good guy in the breakup, when in reality, she was a cheater. She didn't treat YOU well.
You SHOULD have been focused on college! That was your primary goal in high school, not girl drama in the first place! Now that you're in college, your career should be your primary goal!
Have you ever heard the term "lesson learned"?? Think of the experience with the 15 year old as an object lesson for you to use in real life, and yes, you'll be able to treat a woman well. You learned that listening is a great thing to do. Being interested in her is a great thing.
Don't worry! You sound like a bit of a perfectionist, but in love and life, all of us are allowed to make mistakes! Let me ask you this:
1. Are you kindhearted?
2. Do you treat people well, no matter who they are? Do you treat people like fast food employees and cashiers with as much respect as you do anyone else?
3. Do you treat your parents well? That's a big litmus test in how a guy's going to be with a girl...if he's nasty and dismissive to his parents (especially to his mom), there's a high probability that his girlfriend will be in for a miserable time. Otherwise, if you are good to your parents (especially your mom), chances are, you've been taught well how to treat a lady.
4. Do you want to use women for sex, or do you want a relationship?? Are you known to manipulate women? This means, would you have it in you to pretend to be interested in a woman only to get what you want (sex), and then dump her or cheat?
5. Are you romantic?? Believe it or not, you were in high school if you took the time to buy your girlfriend something you thought she'd love, remembering her favorite color. Remembering what she likes, planning a date on shared hobbies or interests, that's romantic.
You're going to be fine. You deserve to be happy and in love as long as you aren't a user or unkind.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2014):
 Eh, you were 17, she was 15. YOU BOTH had a LOT to learn about life and relationships.
You took her words for the gospel when you two broke up, but do you REALLY think it was all your fault? Seriously? The girl had another guy lined up for her next BF before she even ended it with you. What does that tell you? That it wasn't a serious relationship. You even said :
" I thought this was ok, because we weren't in love and it was only supposed to be semi-serious." So breaking up shouldn't have been such a big deal. Call it a test run.
However while dating YOU she met Boy X and actually FELL in love with him. She did the right thing in ending it with you. If she didn't love YOU and you didn't love her... then you were just in it for the "status" of being in a relationship.
Don't date a girl if it's not someone you WANT to be with. Feeling like you HAVE to almost force yourself to listen to her problems and hang out is a clear indicator that you dated her to HAVE a GF. ANY GF.
Instead of looking back with almost shame on those 5 months, look back and see what YOU could have done better. That is how we learn. We learn from experience and from mistakes. Trial and error.
Dude you are 18. It might take you a few GF before you figure this thing out. But don't let this first one stop you from trying again. HOWEVER, unless you REALLY like a girl and she feels the same about you, don't date her.
Why not spend some time making friend and socialize? Observe other people who are dating how they interact. Get to know some girls on a "friends-level". Girls are not some mythical creatures, they are JUST girls.
So relax, you will get there. chin up. Rejection is part of life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): At 17 you're wanted things a 15 year old girl doesn't. In the uk you would be old enough for sex whilst it is still illegal for her, so that would be causing issues too.Try and become friends with girls your own age. You're going to have to live and learn when it comes to how to treat girls. No attempting to touch her up etc...if she isn't comfortable and if you know she isn't don't just keep trying, because some girls might go along with it but actually be really uncomfortable and end up not wanting to be with you.You just have to be yourself, there's no special criteria to fit in order to date girls. If you don't want to come across as an ass then only date one girl at a time (not always obvious unfortunately) and treat her with the respect you would want someone to treat you with. Just because you get girls gifts doesn't guarantee they'll stay, what is more important is when you spend time together you laugh and have fun. College should be coming first - and for that girl to say that was an issue just makes her appear a bit needy. You are too young for the hassle of needy girls. Advice I gave to my little bro, who is your age, was to stay away from the girls who NEED his attention and time 24/7! You should be able to still concentrate on your school life and your friends without a girl getting all clingy.
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