A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:HelloI really hope someone here can help me.I seem to be suffering from some sort of, abandonment issue of some sort. I mean, I am in a long distance relationship and if my boyfriend doesn't email me or call me for a few days I feel...panic. like I can't function...at first I thought it was just him and I being apart, but it's not, the more I think about it the more I realize it's gone on for years...My parents had a troubled relationship and I was very abused by my mother, I remember her telling me once that I was so quiet she had taken my brothers and my father and gone out...forgetting about me in my baby carrier in the house...and rather than come back for me they left me there saying I would be fine since I was too little to get into anything, I couldn't even walk at this point.I don't remember this, but she very willingly told me.then there are my past relationships, my first serious BF was always getting arrested and would be gone for months at a time, one time agreeing to go into rehab for a year without telling me what he agreed to do until he left and just stopped answering my letters.we ended up together even after that, but he was always cheating, he would leave to get soda or something and not come back for 3 weeks or more...leaving me to call hospitals and police stations in a panic.After our relationship ended i got into another one where my BF walked out on me, I went to the store with my cousin to get fish food and came back to him packing boxes and a police officer who wouldn't let me talk to him, standing in my livingroom.I later found out his leaving had nothing to do with me, but I feel like it's tainted me somehow.I'm always afraid my BF is going to leave me like that so I panic and send him an exessive amount of emails...I know it's not right and I should stop...but I csn't seem to do it...I'm afraid I'm going to scare him away, how can I stop this before it ruins my relationships?
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (6 May 2008):
Hi hunny,
First off, I think you must be a very brave person to have gone through all of what you have so far in your life!!! I dont know how old you are, but you sound fairly young...
I have to say that what your mother and ex bf's did was completely wrong!!! I understand that alhtough whats happened is in the past, it is still to this very day tearing you up inside and effecting you. Its shaped your beleifs on many things and probably contributed to your fear of abandonment. Thats not to say that what your bf is doing isnt playing a role in it at all either, it could very well also be contributing to your fears.
Its important to remember that despite you having so many people leave you, it doesnt have anything to do with you!! You dont deserve to be left and you didnt do anything wrong. I cant explain why youve had so many bad expeirences but what I do know is that its not because you are a bad person.
Have you ever talked to anyone about how you feel? Like your bf? You could try explaining to him that him not contacting you much upsets you. If you feel you need more contact from him then thats ok, you have the right to express that want to him.
Im wondering if particular have you seeked professional help???
I really think they can help alot! It dosnt mean you are crazy or anything like that. What you have been through are some very traumatic experiences and by talking to someone who has been trained to understand such deep problems, they wll be able to help you overcome them.
Visit your doctor and ask them to refer you to a counsellor. Or you could do a online search for counsellors in your area. Hope this has helped.
A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (6 May 2008):
 OK, I'm going to tell you this because you need to hear it. You have a serious self-esteem issue that seems to be centered on panic and/or fear of abandonment. That seems to have started with your mother and escalated to include past close relationships where you opened up to trusting somebody and in turn, they slammed you for it. All this might be leaving you in a state of general panic and paranoia. Maybe some guilt too... I don't know and I'm going to stop guessing on it all.
What I am going to suggest is that you spend time concentrating on you and your personal happiness. Your personal happiness IS NOT dependent on an external resource. It comes from inside you. Therefore, in order for you to grow, you need to heal the issues you're carrying... and I mean REALLY want to fix yourself and your personal satisfaction.
That said, once you start heading down that path, I really believe you're going to start attracting higher quality boyfriends, which sounds like what you really need to be doing rather than waiting on unanswered emails. In the meantime, leave the messaging alone for a while. See what happens when you're not trying to draw an answer from your BF. If he replies, then he's still interested and possibly worth your time. If he doesn't, you need to consider "trading up".
I hope that you took this message with all my sincerity. I really think the real issue is more with you and your lingering issues that you need to sort out. I would recommend a counselor to vent to. You are valuable... you just need to believe it.
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