A
female
age
51-59,
*mmaW
writes:Hi. I'm a 42 year old woman that has left a 25 year relationship with an abusive ex partner. I am over him and his actions!! I know not all men are the same and I understand I may have some insecurities which I have openly discussed in detail with my present partner who is 35. I have a 10 year old daughter who he loves very much, during arguments he has told me he only cares about her and I'm nothing. Maybe just hurtful words during an argument?? We have a good click and have been together approx 2 years...Things have been hard but we are very alike and we have both been hurt in the past, I gave up my job and home to move to my partners home town to give us a fresh start without and interference from my ex partner..My partner has always told little white lies and I take most with a pinch of salt as they are harmless, but... Recently we have argued and we are very much the same temperamentally so we can clash easily especially if we have had a drink...My partner knows that when he goes to the pub after we have argued it hurts me and makes me feel insecure and angry, but he still does this?? The last argument we had got quite heated and he did the same thing said I'm going to the pub I left him to go only to be told he wasn't coming home...He booked into a hotel and stayed the night knowing this would cut me deep... He denies that he stayed in a hotel and clams that he slept rough!! I found the receipt for the hotel room and I haven't confronted him with it yet...I'm confused and feel like he will never be honest, he lies to cover lies and I know that. I can prove he's lying but he will still come up with an excuse to claim he's not lied. Help... I love him so much but I can't help feeling he is only with me for my 10 year old daughter.
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female
reader, EmmaW +, writes (5 July 2014):
EmmaW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
I it looks like I really have to think hard and with my head not my heart.
It is very hard as he can be so wonderful and loving, but then your right he is who he is and unfortunately just like me I suppose there is good and bad in everyone. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Love is not everything. This is not a healthy relationship. Why are you forcing yourself to be miserable, just because you supposedly love someone?
You can love him, yet be his friends. There. Love him all you want, but that doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with him. Your logic is flawed. Loving someone is NEVER reason enough to be together. A relationship requires compatibility above all. Love is nice, sure, but it doesn't contribute with anything in a relationship. Patience, stability, respect, care and knowing how to nurture a relationship.. those are the things that make a relationship work. Not love.
And, as for his action that supposedly hurt you so much, and how he supposedly "knows" that this or that will hurt your feelings, and how that somehow makes him the bad guy.. You are adult. You need to know this: your feelings are YOUR responsibility. He can leave, he can lie, he can book a hotel room. But how YOU react is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Not his. If his actions hurt you, then you need to look into why you are hurt. And if you are hurt, then leave. End the relationship. Holding on to it when you know he does these things that make YOU feel pain, is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You are hurting YOURSELF. Take responsibility for yourself. Don't blame him, he is who he is. If you are not happy then you need to leave, and that's the end of it.
Think of your daughter, she's part of this relationship too. She has to live with you two arguing with each other, she has to listen to your tears and see your pain, hear how you talk to him, listen to his lies to you. It hurts her too. But she can't say anything, because she's a child, so she silently takes all the pain and just lives with it without the opportunity to break free. And here you are, with the opportunity to break free.. So what will you do?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): I'm sorry about what you're going through. people who continue to lie even when they've been caught out.... I'm pretty sure your 10 year old daughter would know better. he probably isn't a BAD guy, at least not like your past relationship, which means that these 'little' things might not seem as bad, but he obviously can't control his temper if he says he's only with you for your daughter. I mean, to even come out with those words in the heat of the moment even if he didn't mean them, that's someone who cannot control their temper.He sounds incredibly manipulative and selfish and immature and you've learnt your lesson walking away from one abusive relationship. Well outright lying and being cruel like he is is psychological abuse, enough to make you seek help on here so I think you should walk away again and find a man who can treat you with their FULL respect. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Find yourself a job and a place you can afford for you and your daughter and leave this guy. He is manipulative and uncaring. WHY not want MORE for yourself?
He knows exactly how to hurt you and he also knows you are "stuck" with him unless you find a job and LEAVE.
My questions is, WHY do you think you should SUCK this behavior up?
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