A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys this guy I've been dating told me he is completely besotted by me. What does this mean? I feel like the next day he was distant and cold, he kept saying I clearly didn't want him there which I did. My friends think this all could be because when I'm drunk I'm highly affectionate towards him and can't get enough yet when I'm sober I'm not your all over romantic type and I thought he knew this. I do really like him but we aren't speaking and I don't know what to do I want to sort this out but I don't want to put myself out there for nothing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): Hey so I'm the original poster of the question. He did text me later on in the day just to say he didn't get my messages and was just getting them now. He said that he doesn't want to argue but feels we will if we don't see each other. He also says he's completely conflicted about me because we are at different points in our life and he doesn't want to become more attached then he already is because he'll never be able to leave, he also feels like coming out and telling me all of his feelings is going to make it harder to walk away in the long run. I know he has been engaged before and took the fall out from that HARD! So I feel it is a fear but I've said if we aren't prepared to be honest then there isn't a point and I'm done because it's easier to walk away now with these feelings then to completely fall for him.Oh and thanks for answering you've helped :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): "needy" that's the word I was looking for, this guy could well be a bit too needy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): I have to disagree with the others OP. Unless you're exceptionally cold while sober, which I doubt, I have a feeling this guy is a bit of whiny bitch or something happened which he's not mature enough to discuss.
Says he's besotted and then acts like a baby including not talking to you? that's not the act of a guy besotted with you, that's the act of an insecure control freak.
OP everyone gets a little bit more loved up while drunk, it's not some profound thing.
Let me guess, you were all loved up but you didn't sleep with him that night. That would explain his little hissy fit to me, if that is what is happening here then you have a douchebag on your hands who is trying to manipulate you.
Either way, OP, a guy who acts like that, tells you what you're thinking and tries to make you seem at fault for him feeling like shit then giving you the silent treatment is a child not worth dating.
I'd be more looking for answers from him than trying to explain anything. Find out first if he's whiny douche or whether he has a genuine grievance but is just too much of a child to discuss it like an adult. Find those things out before you start to think it's something you did wrong. It might be, but nothing warrants how he has behaved.
be careful here, something tells me this is a bit of manipulation. If he has a problem then he should say it, instead of whining like a little boy about you not wanting him there.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 Honeypie is right...
he's not a mind reader and he doesn't know that when you drink you become affectionate. you must tell him how you feel about him.
To be honest, (as the spouse of an alcoholic) I would consider that you may have a problem if you can't be affectionate without drugs (alcohol is a drug) and if you drink enough to loosen up your personality, you may want to consider your alcohol consumption)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): You may have hangups about sex, and you're normally reserved around people. You may even hold back your feelings; because you think that's your way of protecting yourself from getting hurt.
Alcohol is a depressant, drug, and an intoxicant. It lowers the inhibitions, and brings down the healthy emotional defenses. That is not a good thing; because it also impairs judgement.
It doesn't make any sense having a boyfriend when you're a ball of nerves and insecurities. Exactly what is the point?
In fact, insecure women are more likely to want a boyfriend than women who are secure. Insecure women have a need to be protected. They hope having a boyfriend will help them feel better about themselves. Thinking "love" is what they need to cure their bad feelings. That's why we call them "needy!"
In your case, you want to have a boyfriend; but you aren't good at showing affection. Which is also illogical. What's the point?
It takes practice. If you don't, other girls are going to start becoming more appealing. He will crave your affection; not just sex. He needs to feel you are attracted to him, want to be close to him, and he needs to feel the human contact. Hold his hand. Snuzzle his neck for no reason. Kiss him. Practice letting yourself be comfortable just touching. If you're not over a past painful breakup; or not over someone else. He doesn't deserve to deal with your problems.
Chances are you're still dealing with leftover pain from some other guy, who made you feel bad for allowing yourself to show him your feelings. Or, one of your parents pushed you away as a child, it hurt you deep inside really bad, and that stuck with you. So it makes it difficult to let go of your feelings; unless you take a drink to loosen you up. That could lead to alcoholism. You have to be very very careful.
It isn't likely you'll turn things around; because you've really pushed him away, and you can't fix yourself over-night. It is my personal opinion that he shouldn't take you back. You've got issues you need to work on.
You need alcohol in order to free your emotions. That's unhealthy, and there is an underlying problem that requires
therapy.
Yes, it's that serious.
The fact he isn't speaking to you shows you just how serious it is.
Any promises to change, is just to get him back. You can't "force" yourself to be affectionate. It will come across as fake. He can tell when you're being phony. You'll be stiff, or you'll over-do it. He will be able to tell it's an act; especially if you make a 360 degree turn. Suddenly, you're affectionate and not drunk.
You have to be able to do it freely and comfortably. Get yourself some help. Even if he comes around and tries to give you another chance. Watch how difficult it's going to be. Get counseling, and you'll learn what makes it difficult to be affectionate.
Unless you are gay, and unable to deal with your true feelings. Then that's a whole different story.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 February 2014):
 I'm guessing that you're rather shy or reserved, under "normal" circumstances.... and more open when you drink alcohol....
My suggestion is that you work on your "Jeckel-and-Hyde" aspects of sober versus drinking. After all, what kind of a "relationship" can you start and nurture when you are really only participating when you are under the influence of liquor?....
As a guy who "has been there"... it's easy to recognize when a woman is different, under the influence, from who she really is, all the (other) time...
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (13 February 2014):
My questions would be… Why does it take drinking for you to become affectionate? Why are you holding back your feelings if you like this guy?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 February 2014):
 If you don't put yourself "out there" and TALK to him (not over the phone or text) then you might as well give up on the guy.
HE isn't a mind reader and NEITHER are you. So unless you TALK you won't know what the problem is. You can ONLY guess and that won't help you much.
Besotted means he is HEAD over HEELS - however, his actions doesn't quite match his words, do they? Again, TALK to him.
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