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age
30-35,
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writes: If I have an addiction to pornography involving drawings of young girls being killed, then...when should I tell my girlfriend, and what response might she have?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 No your not evil because of your sexual preferences. But they do indicate that you are very angry about something and someone. Most pornography is fantasy, and even more so if they are just pictures and drawings. But there are a few people in the world who look at such violent things and then want to do them. That's why people get scared. Who knows if the things you look at are something you'd like to do, or if it's something that helps you release some anger somewhere.
Pornography that isn't violent is much nicer and shows sex in a better way. But it's your choice, it's your fantasy, it's what you like to look at, and it dosen't make you evil, because different people like all types of things.
A
female
reader, Vicci +, writes (8 April 2010):
 As a followup to your second follow-up- i am tolerant. i am different. I just don't see how you would expect your girlfriend to understand that you get turned on my drawings of little girls getting killed? Thats just awful! I understand why it might be a turn on- you being in total control, her obeying you and being frightened, and if you found it happening in real life- if you were that girl, the pain, horror, and sadness.
In real life, this is NOT something should not be something to be turned on by.
I know where your coming from though- sometimes i fantasise that i am being raped, and yes, it turns me on.
I don't think your evil, but if i was in your girlfriends shoes i would back out. Maybe not straight away, but slowly.
In honesty- its not normal to imagine such horrible things. If you think it might drive yoou to acting these drawings out in real life, i would suggest seeing a psyciatrist.
Your not evil- yet. Make sure you don't become it.
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 In answer to your follow up -
Well, who knows? Define evil.
Do you harm others? Do you have a desire to inflict harm on young girls? Do you think this fetish could get out of control and make you do something evil or stupid?
Most people have fetishes and fantasies that are better left in the mind rather than acted out, and one cannot have their mind policed. So if you have these thoughts or look at drawings depicting these situations and nothing more and haven't harmed anyone because of it and have no desire to, then I don't think that makes you inherently 'evil'.
However, some people might brand you as such just because you look at drawings like that. So it really depends on who you ask. A particular future girlfriend might think you're evil, but then another particular girlfriend might be more understanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think this brings up an interesting question:
Am I evil because of my sexual preferences?
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female
reader, Basschick +, writes (8 April 2010):
 You may need help/therapy. This is not normal to me and I'd run from you immediately if I was your g/f.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 April 2010):
Yes you are right... drawings are different, but people still get scared of violent pornography that involves children, even if it is only drawings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thanks for your answers, everyone!
I hate keeping secrets, so I'll probably have to tell her about it...but I don't want to scare people away, so I guess it'll happen gradually?
At the moment I'm wondering whether I should have a girlfriend at all, so...if no one can accept it, then so be it. Or if she asks me to change, then I will, because that would be a strong indication that she actually cares about me as a person.
Maybe it's a mental illness thing or just denial, but in my mind, there's a huge difference between a drawing and actually seeing it happen.
There's a part of my subconscious that wants to destroy everything. And yes, I have plenty of emotional problems.
Vicci, nothing's wrong with you, but you're so normal that I probably wouldn't be able to tolerate talking with you in real life, and you would have run away long before I spilled any secrets, so hopefully it won't be quite like that.
I look at pornography for about...35 minutes per day.
Miamine, the laws for drawings are a bit different.
I'm not interested in acting out any nonproductive fantasies with anyone, nor am I interested in seeing real children.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 April 2010):
Sorry, my mistake...
Pornography with pictures of men or women naked is alright, but they have to be adults, and over the age of 18. If you look at pictures of naked CHILDREN, then your girlfriend will get angry, and the police could put you in prision.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 April 2010):
Lantis... it is very good for you to come here and ask us for advice. Pornography with pictures of men or women naked is alright, but they have to be adults, and over the age of 18. If you look at pictures of naked people, then your girlfriend will get angry, and the police could put you in prision.
I am making my language simple, not because you are stupid, but I want you to understand.
It is not good to look at pornography where people are getting hurt or killed. Your girlfriend and your friends will think you are strange, they will think you might want to hurt or kill people in real life.
If your girlfriend finds you looking at the bad type of pornography (naked children, people in pain) she will become very scared.
Probably pornography is not good for you, but many young men and women look at it and like it a lot. The people must be adults, and they must be having fun. That type of pornography is alright and she will probably understand that.
However, many girls do not like pornography, they think it is bad. Pornography is something that you must keep private and not talk too much about.
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A
female
reader, veronika +, writes (8 April 2010):
I'm all for couples sharing fetishes and fantasies in their sex life, but some fetishes and fantasies people just do not warm to. Most people, men and women, would probably harshly judge a person with such a fetish.
If I were your girlfriend I would want to know, but I would also want to know why you have the fetish. Not to hurt you or to laugh at you, but just out of curiosity. I would also wonder how intense the fantasy is and how frequently you engage in looking at this type of pornography.
Being addicted to any kind of porn can be debilitating, not just for you in the long run but for your relationship. I generally don't have a problem with porn, but a porn addiction - no matter what type - isn't right and you need help from a counsellor or a psychologist to treat your addiction. You may also want to discuss why this violent type of porn appeals to you.
I would tell her, but don't be surprised is she leaves you or wants you to get help. And if she suggests you get help for your addiction, then just go with it. Your quality of life will improve if you're addiction-free.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): So long as it does not involve a child, then your darker fetishes are best kept private.
We all have our darker pleasures that we satisfy only in a safe way. So long as no one is getting hurt, I see no reason she even has to know about it. It's not something you need to even bring up.
Just remember to erase you net history and don't store images anywhere but in your head. If it is confined to pictures and the odd dark thought, you should live a happy life as you don't let it interfere with your real loving relationship.
Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, thank you very much for answering my questions.
At the moment, this question is hypothetical, but that could make your answers all the more useful, as it is easiest to fix now. I will seriously consider discontinuing use of the more disturbing images. What kind of images are acceptable to most people? drawings, consent, age, etc?
I'm currently in therapy with a student at my school. They are no more intelligent than you guys when it comes to practical advice, and I've drowned myself in the mental illness information online.
Currently my depression is getting better. It could have been vitamins, perspective on life, dietary variables, sleep, or anything else.
In the future, I'll try to consider whether you guys might be able to answer, but sometimes useful information comes from surprising places.
The previous question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-shut-myself-off-to-other.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Yes she will find this weird Because first off you should be askig yourself why do you get turned on by seeing young girls getting killed. I think you might wan to look into this more just in case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): I have to agree with the excellent response from Tisha and I would think most women would be frightened by this revelation. How do you feel about that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Her response is not likely to be understanding or supportive. I think it's highly disturbing that you can get off to images of young girls being killed. I think anybody would be disturbed by that. I think it might hint at some underlying emotional problems as well. I think you should try and seek help because that is very disturbing to me. I don't even know what else to say. I'm stunned.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Hi, I think I just answered another question of yours and I think you may want to read that first. Do you even have a girlfriend at this point in time, or is this more a hypothetical question?
Because I can tell you, a real life girlfriend would probably find it deeply disturbing and upsetting that her boyfriend would find such depictions sexually arousing. I think it would devastate the relationship, unless she really and truly understood you.
With your Asperger's, I'm not sure what to advise, I just don't think that this sounds particularly healthy if you are trying to establish normal relationships with other people. Have you considered treatment for this addiction, or replacing it with a more socially-acceptable form of pornography?
I go back to my other advice, which is that you seek psychotherapy for this triad of life issues you face. I love DearCupid and the people here want to help others, but I think your particular circumstance is beyond our "expertise".
Thank you for posting and I wish you well on your journey in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Tell her now. It is better to be honest and upfront about such things early on in a relationship- although I do feel that if you are already bf'gf you should have told her by now.
This is something that is bound to make many people feel uncomfortable, so be prepared for her to be disgusted, angered and potentially threaten to break-up with you.
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female
reader, Vicci +, writes (7 April 2010):
I wouldnt tell her. I, for one, would be out of your arms before you could say sorry.
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