A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a virgin and I plan to stay that way until I'm married. I'm not particularly religious, but I was raised that way and the few times I did try to have sex, it was impossible because I was so tense! The guy got sick of being frustrated (I'd wanted to do it because I wanted the experience and I really liked him) and dumped me. I took that to mean that I wasn't ready and basically to mean that I shouldn't be doing it anyway. I guess you could say that I stick to oral only, but I really don't like to go down on guys at all - it makes me sick to my stomach.So that's the problem, I DO want to date but as soon as I tell someone I'm dating that I'm a virgin, he wants to de-flower me. Or, he wants to dump me and acts like I'm "pusing" for marriage or for him to say he's looking for a wife.My question is that I'm not sure when to bring up my virginity and how to make it clear that I'm not changing my mind without coming across as a prude. I also don't wnat to come across like I'm trying to push a guy into being "that" serious with me right off the bat.I just want to take my time dating someone - go on actual dates, spend the whole relationship flirting and going on dates like you do in the beginning instead of having that part peter out when all you have left is making out and pushing and pushing and pushing for more. I want to date a guy a long time (years) before moving in and I don't want to do that utnil marriage! I guess I am looking for a husband, in a way, but I mean I wouuld never date anyone I woulnd't marry.Short of joining a church (can't do that really, they're pretty judgmenmtal about me being bisexual and there's some other things I'm liberal on that they wouldn't accept), how do I find guys who will take "no" seriously and not like a challenge or just dump me right away?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): YES!I am the OP and I think the last anon poster was the most helpful. I am looking for marriage POTENTIAL rather than a husband. I dont think people who have sex or who are gay are bad. Not at all. That is like saying people with purple hair are bd ... it makes no sense. I guess I could join a more liberal church and still mamke it clear that I do not want sex until marriage. I am limiting my options but I am eliminating men who I do not want to be with anyway. I did fail at sex but it is because I am probably a late bloomer and just not ready.[Mod note: the 'OP' adds some details about potential abuse as a child and a possible date rape and alas these cannot be posted. The OP is advised to seek professional counseling. Best wishes.]
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): There are lots of people who wait till marriage--you can certainly find a man who will appreciate that you are waiting! I read recently that 5% of married Americans under the age of 40 waited till marriage…that's millions of people! That's a lot!!
Check out waitingtillmarriage.com, you'll see that there are plenty of 20-somethings who are waiting, for a huge variety of different reasons.
If you are dating, you do need to:
1. Be upfront that you are waiting (don't go more than 3 dates w/o mentioning it)
2. Accept the fact that many guys will not want to date you because of this
3. Believe that when you meet the RIGHT guy, all of your concerns will go out the window, because he'll probably be waiting, too :)
I think your decision to wait is an awesome one!!
PS. I think you meant to say something like, you wouldn't date anyone without marriage POTENTIAL.
PPS. I think waiting till marriage is easiest when you are not going to wait forever. I know a couple that just got married, and they both waited. They dated for 1.5 years and had a 6 month engagement. So, 2 years total without sex. I think 2 years is reasonable and easier than, say, 5 years…just something to keep in mind, and something I'm sure you'll end up discussing if you meet the right person!
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 How can you know if you want to marry someone before dating them? To me, that's why you date someone, to get to know them better, and to find out if they're someone you could see yourself being with for life. Unless you're referring your thoughts on marrying them based on initial attraction. Then no, you shouldn't lead someone on if you aren't attracted to them. I would join a church anyway (if you want to). As far as I know, you don't have to disclose your sexual orientation to a church. So I don't think being bisexual would hold you back. A side benefit of doing this is you're more likely to meet men who share your views on sex, although this shouldn't be your sole reason.You could also try dating sites if you haven't already. I'm sure you'll come across men who have the same views as you, especially if you use the (unfortunately) non free ones. People looking for something serious are more likely to pay to use these sites, while people just looking to "de-flower" virgins or have fun will likely use the free ones.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 EDIT: You also need to be accepting of the fact that at some point a guy may decide he cannot live without sex and stay or leave. should have read STRAY or leave.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (7 July 2014):
Hello,
Im a little confused if im honest with you. If I may, can I ask why you wish to remain a virgin until marriage? At least ask yourself that question.
There is nothing wrong with doing so whatsoever but I am wondering about your reasons. It seems not to be for religious reasons from what you said, and you have given blow jobs in the past, and tried intercourse, which does make me wonder why you so adamantly wish to remain a virgin until marriage if you have already given oral sex to a man or men, have tried intercourse with a male partner and are not overly religious?
On one hand you say you wont even consider dating a man who you wouldn't want to marry and don't want sex before marriage, on the other hand you say you have tried sex with men and have actually had oral. Is it only since your tense, failed attempts at intercourse that you have been so keen on staying a virgin until marriage? What changed?
Eyeswideopen makes a very good point. Are you sure you are bisexual or is there a chance you are gay? You have tried sex with men before and were too tense to allow it to happen, you have given oral sex to men and it made you feel sick, so your sexual experiences with men so far have been very negative. You also seem to now want to avoid sex for whatever reason with men. You say you want to wait until marriage and emphasize the point that it wont be for a very long time.
Im wondering if either your earlier attempts at sex made you feel so bad and scared that you are putting it off until marriage to avoid doing it, or it felt so wrong deep down to have sex with a man that you are hoping that by having a husband make love to you that it will feel different and stop you feeling bad about a male sexual partner. I just get the impression, and of course I could be a mile off, that your reasons for wanting no sex before marriage is a way of avoiding sex with men either because you are gay or because of bad experiences putting you off and stopping you from revisiting it.
To answer your actual question, I think you need to be realistic. Not all men are going to agree to no sex before marriage as you already know and, at 18-21, for most people marriage and commitment of that magnitude is, and indeed should be, the furthest thing from their mind.
There are men who are willing to wait for marriage before sex of course, but many will feel that way for religious reasons. How well those religious feelings fit around, or indeed accept, your liberal views and bisexuality is something that realistically may be an issue to some people. Some men will claim to be virgins when they probably are not and some peoples ideas of a "virgin" is different from others. Many describe themselves as virgins because they have not had virginal intercourse, others use the term in a stricter way to describe NO sexual activity whatsoever, and this can cause compatibility issues.
There are men, and indeed women, who go down the route of no sex before marriage as a way of hiding their true sexuality or to avoid sexual problems, revealing genital deformity or because of previous abuse. By all no means all of them of course but its worth bearing in mind that in many cases avoiding sex before marriage can be a way of hiding something or avoiding sex for a reason other than religious/moral or upbringing.
Another thing to consider is that marriage is a big commitment that's hard to undo or go back on if you find out on your wedding night that your new husband cannot perform, pushes for depraved sexual acts or finishes after 30 seconds without fail. The same issues and tension you felt before wont go away magically by getting married neither. You also need to be accepting of the fact that at some point a guy may decide he cannot live without sex and stay or leave. Sorry but its the reality of this type of situation.
If you want to date men that being upfront about no sex before marriage is a must. Otherwise you will soon be fed up of men running a mile a few weeks down the line when you break the news. But you must be more open minded. To say you wont date anyone you wouldn't marry is crazy. Your 18-21 and still very young. Over the next few years you and those around you will change, mature, develop and grow into very different people, your outlook, needs and situation will alter drastically as you make the final transition into full blow adults. A guy who seems like marriage material NOW may be a very different proposition a few months or a couple of years down the line.
The only way you can ascertain if someone is a good match, likely to be a good husband, and ensure you love him in the right way is to date men, gain experience and learn. Only going on dates with men you see as a potential husband isn't going to work as you never know what someone is like until you have dated them for a while.
I don't get how you can give a blow job, try sex, but not go on a date with someone you wouldn't marry? A date is hardly a big thing, hardly life changing. A date can be innocent and fun without resorting to sex.
If you are sure you are not gay, as apposed to bi, then try online dating or join a church and see if you can meet someone who is willing to offer what you want, but be prepared for a lot of frustration and disappointment.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): Just to add, you may want to consider the idea that you're a full blown lesbian.
It sounds like you really don't like penises (that's not unusual of course), you should probably explore that side of your bisexuality for a while and see if that is the case.
Because you speak about men in such a conceptual, abstract way. You don't really seem to have a lust for them.
Anyway give that some thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): Explain it to them just how you did us. Tell them you aren't looking to have sex first thing. Don't necessarily tell them you're waiting until marriage, though. That way they don't get the impression you're trying to push them to be serious before they are ready. It's all about how you word things.
Just remember guys generally don't respect girls who "put out" too soon, anyway. Anytime you feel down that you've been rejected for not having sex, keep in mind there are also plenty of girls being rejected after the guy has gotten what he wanted. Sometimes you just can't win.
You need to find a guy who shares your viewpoint. They are more common than you think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): You pray, OP and hope for the best.
There are probably guys out there with the same views as you about waiting for marriage but you're going to need to be up front about that and not waste your time with guys who will 99% of the time want more.
As for the church thing you're kind of screwed there too. Conservative churches and Christians constitute the largest dating pool of men who can wait, so you should try and get involved with guys from there even if you're not interested in being a member of the congregation.
I think you should also set up or amend a dating profile on a Christian dating website. There are ones specifically for Christians and as you know, the variations in belief, level of liberal attitudes varies quite a lot so you may well find a guy through those. But you should put in your summary exactly what your position about sex is.
You won't really find a guy who takes "no" seriously the way you mean it, OP. I mean if you're dating, sex is part of the package and it's a part most guys want. You're quite literally talking about being friends with a guy because there's nothing sexual at all on offer, maybe a hand job if you can brings yourself to do it.
OP it needs to be the first conversation you have with a guy if you ask me. Before you even start flirting or showing interest you need to be blunt and up front about what you're about. Most guys will walk away early enough and in a polite way, if you don't let them know early and proceed to kissing, cuddling and getting them horny then you're going to have to deal with the persistence and determination to deflower and defile you a lot. You can't exactly lead a horse to water only to then say it can't drink.
You're kind of limiting yourself in a huge way, OP with your attitude to "not dating someone you wouldn't marry", I'm sorry but that's utterly ridiculous. How are you supposed to date anyone then? I mean it takes years to know whether a person is someone you can actually marry, it takes weeks and sometimes months to even know whether they're nice enough to date properly. How do you expect to know that straight away?
Get rid of that notion, it's rubbish. The only precondition to dating someone is that you'd like to date them, that's it. They're a nice person you have a good time with and want to see where it goes. That's dating, OP.
OP you have an incredibly tough road ahead of you. No sex, no blow jobs, nothing at all and you don't want to get married for years either? Add to that you won't date any man unless you think you could marry him straight away and you literally are talking about dismissing the vast majority of all men.
Look it's your life, live it the way that makes you most happy but just know you're artificially making this insanely tough on yourself. You're too liberal to fit in with conservative christians, and too conservative to find a liberal guy.
Brutal honesty, OP? As a guy without the same limitations as you I would not go near you. Not only do I kind of need to sample the goods before I buy, but when you have tried to have sex you failed miserably, what's the say you won't be the exact same after marriage? You also hate blow jobs which is probably the only thing that would have made waiting until marriage a tiny bit easier. None of that bodes well to having any kind of good sex life with you in the future at all. Having a ring on your finger isn't going to change any of that.
So be up front, very up front so you can weed out the time wasters. Get rid of the notion of you needing husband material to date, it took nearly two years for me and my wife to even see each other in a romantic enough light to even date, your future husband may be a guy you really didn't think was husband material at the start. Finally start doing your homework online, dating sites, even christian youth forums to discuss this kind of issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): Could you join a Christian dating website? One that's less discriminating?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 July 2014):
 Are you sure you are bisexual?
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