A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so my girlfriend is not a virgin. She had a 1 night stand a year before she even met me and she told me about it when we were just friends and it didn't bother me then because I had no attraction to her at all at this point.We then started liking each other like 4 months after she told me and about a month after that she became my girlfriend. Now for some reason, it actually bothers me now and I keep hurting her feelings by unintentionally bringing it up as a joke and other things. I don't even know why I do it, it's just automatic and I get jealous and become a bit of a jerk when I do. :/ It's causing constant fights between us and we've only been together since the 5th of July.She's always been the more sexual one in the relationship and I've been sort of, clueless. Not because I don't know any thing sexual or whatever. Because I had a girlfriend I was with for 2 years before her, unfortunately this relationship was long distance and she cheated on me frequently and left me for a guy just so she could have sex and lose her virginity to fit in with everyone else because at the time she had become incredibly insecure. :( So, even though I was with her for 2 years I never had the chance to lose my virginity and I feel like I waste 2 years of my life for nothing and now I'm struggling to have a relationship with my current girlfriend because I don't feel all that comfortable with her as I did with my ex.So, as I was saying my current girlfriend isn't a virgin and I don't know why it bothers me so much and because it bothers me I don't really feel sexually attracted to her as she seems to be to me. I feel like I'm wasting her time and that I'm being a selfish jerk because my mind is holding that against her when it shouldn't even be a problem. She wants to have sex with me, and I don't want to really have sex with her. I'm nervous and it makes me feel inferior to her. I kinda expected to lose my virginity to the woman I loved for 2 years. Yet she went and lost hers to another guy within 3 weeks of dating him and my current girlfriend managed to have a 1 night stand. It's like sex means nothing and I feel like I'll just mean nothing to her and that it won't be as big a deal as it is for me, because it actually is a big deal. I don't care what people say, you're losing your virginity to someone, it's the first time you're experiencing something, it's a big deal. Just like jumping out of a plane the first time is a big deal, or getting married the first time is a big deal. First time things are a big deal.So I feel like I'm inferior and inexperienced and useless. My girlfriend says she didn't even have a good time but it will be much better with me and that just makes it even worse. I don't really want to think of her one night stand guy as having 'paved the way' and ruining my chance at having a mutual experience with someone. I feel cheated.I feel absolutely pathetic that I think that way and I've tried everything to stop me feeling like I'm going to always be behind. I'll just have her as my experience, and she'll have me + some other guy. I feel like it's not fair. Older people say you don't remember your first time, but seriously, if you're young and your first time isn't long ago at all and it's the only person you've had sex with, you're going to remember it.So could someone please give me some advice, or tell me where I can get some advice because I really want this relationship to last and it's almost not going to. Literally begging, because I'm sick of hurting her feelings and making her feel like it's her fault and she's worthless and other things like that because of the jokes and things I keep saying about it. :(
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cheated on me, insecure, jealous, long distance, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): One thing I've learnt about sex is this: If you make it a big deal before marriage, it will not be a big deal after marriage. But if you don't make it a big deal before marriage, it will sure as hell become a big deal after marriage. If you want to set the record straight with your girlfriend once and for all then ask this question to her: Do you hope to become a wife and mother? If she says no, then don't waste your time. But if she says yes, then ask her this question: Then why did you lose you lose your virginity to a man who didn't want to be your husband? You will know what to decide when she gives you her answer. I'm sorry mate but I wish there was a better way to know where we stand. HOPE FOR THE BEST.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): Firstly if you want my opinion, virgins RARELY lose their virginity to another virgin, and if she had a single dull ONS months before, she probably WILL experience her 'first time with YOU' about the same as you would your own.This might sound strange, but my advice is to tell your girlfriend most of what you told us (with a bit of tact of course) eg, that you were priming yourself to lose your virginity to your ex, the breakup has shaken your motivation to have sex? Also, the feeling of mutually 'sharing' your loss of virginity was something you were also getting your head around.Don't forget to tell her you DO want this relationship to last!!!!That aside, perhaps you should see a counselor, as they are good at helping you make it work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): You don't have the right to keep bugging her about her choice to have a one night stand.
But she doesn't have the right to tell you how to feel about her choices, either.
The whole thing is a sign of deeper issues. I think your sexuality and hers are not matched up very well in general. Virginity or not.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 With a bargaining attitude of who's pure enough sex will be an ugly thing for the rest of your life. You can end the relationship and find a girl younger than you. Then you will see virginity is nothing hyped up to be. There will be pain, blood maybe. Absolutely nothing magical and romantic. You will be disappointed and wonder why you have wasted years putting so much importance to it. I still encourage you to find a virgin girlfriend, just so you will see what it is like, to put your mind at ease. Then you will tell me you shouldn't do that because you would be using the new relationship as an experiement to see what virgin sex feels like and if the relationship won't last, then you will have hurt the girl. The problem is that you are waiting and waiting, and using your mind to create your narrow vision of reality. Waiting for the special moment that may never come. With dating you have to act fast. You felt cheated because other men took away their virginity before you. As years go by, the number of virgins becomes limited and at that time there is nothing you can do but adjust your attitude that only virgins will do.
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