A
female
age
41-50,
*atbabe102
writes:I have a vile and viscious temper (trait passed on from my father) I can generally hold back when dealing with normal situations, but due to the fact my boyfriend is so laid back and quiet and submissive, I (4 years ago) began to easily get mad and take out my frustrations on him. THis has escalated so much so that we are both deeply unhappy. I feel stuck in a rut. I am so used to verbally abusing him, and he is so used to taking it. I am desperate to stop the shouting and viscious words... but the only problem now is, I have a man who has shut down, and given up on me. I dont know how to regain his trust again . when i do try hard, and get nothing back from him, I eventually get wound up again, and end up cursing him or going mad, and therefore, am back to square one. I feel I have bullied him at times, and wish he could have stood up to me, and "shut me up"... the fact he didnt - he just took it, allowed me to get away with it each time. I realise im an awful person. WE now have a 3month old beautiful baby boy. I am desperate for my man to open up to me, and become a family, and although he never admits to there being a problem, im sure he is deeply saddened by the person I have become. please advice me on how i can regain his trust and come to like him again. As although i love him, i do not feel in love or even like him.
View related questions:
bullied Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, catbabe102 +, writes (4 October 2007):
catbabe102 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRCN ... u dont know how much i appreciate this. Are u really going to stay dedicated and help me? I promise to fulfill this and do it - win over this god damn temper of mine. I need to, and more importantly, i WANT to. I am going to work on your questions right now.
A
female
reader, catbabe102 +, writes (4 October 2007):
catbabe102 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRCN ... u dont know how much i appreciate this. Are u really going to stay dedicated and help me? I promise to fulfill this and do it - win over this god damn temper of mine. I need to, and more importantly, i WANT to. I am going to work on your questions right now.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 I guess since there's not many resources there, I am going to work with you in supplying you the tools, and methods that are proven in changing developed human behaviors. What you do with the exercises will be up to you.
I want you to realize it's not going to be a real easy task. Changing your behavior is going to take a huge commitment on your part. But when your done, the changes won't be temporary, they'll be permanent.
The first step is to send me an email. I'd have to rule out a few things before I can give you any information on how to. I need to know a bit about your history.
(1) anyone else in your family or people you have much association with display these types of behaviors?
(2) Are your parents married or divorced? If divorces at what age were you when that happened? And if divorces what relationship/if any do you have with your father?
(3) Summarize your past relationships, and what caused those relationships to end. Also if there was any inappropriate behaviors by either person in them.
(4) List any trauma you may have experienced or viewed, and the age you experienced it. This would include, deaths, major car accidents, rape or any form of sexual assault (include both childhood and adult).
(5) Was there any time you felt worthless, depressed, abused? The abuse could be mental or physical. If so, what age were you and how long did that feeling last?
(6) How long have you felt as if your anger had been out of control? Did you experience any huge changes in your life at or around that time?
This is a good start. I am simply weeding out possible causation to this problem to find a good place to start. I would have mum prescribe something, just to lower your anger while you work on taking care of it.
Take care, again you are not a bad person, and stepping up to take responsibility iis one of the biggest steps you can take toward solving these issues. Have a good day.
...............................
A
female
reader, catbabe102 +, writes (4 October 2007):
catbabe102 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRCN - Thank u for your bluntness and your straight forward back-to-reality reply to my question. The worst thing is (although I am no qualified professional regarding personality disorders) I know that what I am doing to him is a form of domestic violence. i suppose I just never admitted it to myself, or (ofcourse) no one else has ever named it this. Your answer brought tears to my eyes, and has made me realise that I need to sort myself out. I have broken him, and he is probably the bes thing that has ever happened in my life. Of course he has traits, but his good parts FAR outweigh these. I am the one with the serious problem. I realise now (or admit it openly now) that it is me, that has taken away his ability to talk to me or stand up to me. Why have I done this? I would like to say that its his fault, as he has let me do this to him!!!- BUT I know 100% that is is a disgusting thing to say and a cowards way out. I feel like I have broken him down from a man, to a boy, and now a baby-which i can only assume plays a large part of a near non-existent sex life. He is emotionless due to me. I am desperate to change. He (for what reason I do not know) wants our relationship to work, and wants me to control my temper. I just don't know where to begin. Where I live, there is not (unlike in the USA) alot of anger management courses, or anything similar. Its something I think may really help - I hope to God. I will endeaver to find some sort of anger release / management. RCN, thank you for "slapping me across the face" with your answer! It has given me a wake up call I so desperately need. I don't know why its taken someone else to tell me, when its obvious already. I know exactly what I do and say ... ... ... What makes it worse, is that, it;s only him I do it to. Outside the front door, I am a respected and loved person, by friends and family. I never get involved in arguments with friends. Although my mum knows my temper, she is unaware of the great extent of it. She is involved in medicine and has offered to perscribe me tablets to calm me down. Do you think this may also be a good idea. RCN, thank you again. (o, as far as the trust issue, maybe I wrote it incorrectly in my initial question - but i was asking how do i get him to trust me again! not how do i trust him...)
...............................
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 I think you should consider enrolling in anger management classes. It sounds trife, but it will help you understand where your anger is coming from, and be able to deal with it in a more healthy way. Another good way to deal with frustrations is an exercise program. Sometimes when you've had a frustrating day, instead of coming home and taking it out on your b/f, walk in the door and give him a signal, like holding up your hand -- this means, 'I've had a bad day, don't talk to me for 1 hour' then instead of re-hasing your infuriating day, put on your running shoes and go for a walk, run, get on a treadmill (if you have one) go to the gym, hang up a punching bag in one of your spare rooms, and put on the boxing gloves and work out your aggression. After exhausting yourself through physcial activity you may be able to feel more calm and deal with interactions with your b/f so it doesn't become a shouting match. I would also recommend that your b/f attend some assertive classes because his passiveness makes him appear weak in your eyes and it makes you want to victimize him on some level. Once you learn to manage your anger, and he learns how to stick up for himself and quit being your doormat, I think the two of you will have a healthy, more balanced relationship and be able to plan for your future. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): A little boy who has a bad temper is told by his father to take a hammer & put a nail in the back fence every time he loses his temper. So he does. Initally, the fence is covered in nails but eventually, the little boy has fewer & fewer outbursts until one day, he has none at all. So the dad says to him, "ok, from now on, whenever you feel the urge to lose your temper but don't, go & pull one of the nails out of the fence." So the little boy does... until all the nails are gone. He goes back to dad when there are no nails left & says "look, the fence has no more nails in it." The dad tells him to go back & look at the fence. It's full of holes. He says to his son, "that's what happens when he lose our temper with people -- we can try and take back what we say, but we leave the holes behind."
I have a friend who had a temper. She acknowledged it & said that it was nothing -- that she was over her little outbursts in 5mins. Problem was, all of us around her weren't --- she was fine 5 mins later, but we were all left feeling like crap for the next hour or so. And I told her this. To her credit, she did make a commitment to change that and she is an amazing friend today.
If you have a temper, it is NOT okay to acknowledge it and do nothing. You HAVE to change your behaviour. It is not ok to slip up & yell at someone, and leave them feeling like sh*t while you swan off, all fine and dandy 5 mins later.
The thing is, "sorry" is not a word -- it's an action, a choice. If you're truly sorry, then BE sorry - and that means make a commitment to change. When you're feeling angry, direct that where it needs to go, and do it properly. Yes, you might get angry with your guy -- he might p*ss you off immensely. So, deal with it PROPERLY. Say to him, "I'm feeling really angry because..." or "When you do this, I feel angry because it makes me feel really un-special. What I'd like is if, in the future, you would do this...."
If you feel like your temper is going to get the better of you, and you're not ready to talk calmly, excuse yourself & get out. Explain that you need a walk & you'll come back when you've had a chance to calm down a bit and talk.
BE sorry --- be it, don't say it. It's not too late. Talk to your guy about your temper & that you are making a commitment to change, and tell him how & how he can help you. Maybe let him know to ask you if you want to talk if you're looking grumpy - i.e. not to be scared to ask you, and that he should feel entitled to tell you not to talk to him in a manner that he doesn't appreciate.
I think you both need to change, to be honest. You need to make a commitment to deal with your anger properly & he needs to be a little more assertive.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 October 2007):
Deeply saddened by who you have become??? I would say that is an understatement. You do understand what this is called? "Domestic violence", "Mental abuse" now since you have a child "intentional infliction of mental harm". The problem here is the cycle of violence. Your dad was like that, your like that and guess what, if it continues I dread the women your son dates.
First of all I don't want to let you have it totally. I want you to know I commend you for owning up to this behavior. Not many people take responsibility when they have these issues. That's the first step to changing your behavior.
Now all though your dad had this behavior, he's not the one yelling here, so it's your behavior that needs to be addressed.
When you work hard and don't get the response you were hoping for, you make it much harder when you pick up the behaviors again. He's not going to open up right away, you've taken that ability away from him. I'm sure there's been times he attempted to and just got it harder from you.
You say how can you come to trust him again? He's not the one who is abusive here, why do you need to trust him. It's the other way around. Your right you don't feel in love with him. Most abusers are in love with their control, not the person they are controlling. Do you really expect anyone to believe you care anything for your boyfriend when you treat him this way. It doesn't matter if he stands up to you or not. I was with someone who was verbally abusive (keep in mind WAS). Let me tell you what happens.
I was laying in bed. My daughter came in and shook me to wake me from my nap. I asked her "hi honey whats up" She said "oh good your alive, I thought she stabbed you." That is what you will be doing to your precious child. He'll be coming home from school wondering if he still has two parents or just one. If one of you decided to leave, if you love him, because you can't love him and treat his dad that way. Talk about the beginning development of a screwed up child.
Here is the deal. I don't care if he stood up to you, you own your behavior. I don't care if he calls you a name and you blow up, you own your behavior. Anytime you have this behavior, you own it period. There is no excuse for having it, it's yours, you choose your behavior and your reactions to situations, no one but you.
Here is something else to think about. In your country, taking to quite a few people there, I've had the opportunity to read child and divorce statutes. If you guys called it quits, because of your behavior you have a greater chance of harming the well being of your child, I couldn't see any reason whatsoever that the judge would allow the child to stay with you. It sounds like he'd have a safer, more stable life with his father.
You are the one who has to take control. Don't expect him to open up at the beginning, and don't blow up because he doesn't. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of damage this behavior causes people. Personally, people that abuse others in the manner or others need to be locked up where they can't cause harm. I'll tell you now, these short time changes are not going to be enough for him to forgive you. You've taken away every bit of strength that he has as a male. You have literally destroyed his identity and it sounds like all his self worth.
Let me tell you quickly why he's acting this way. Every time you blow up or control him, that pain gets piled on top of all the other pain in his mind, when you pile pain on, the positive disappears. Doing it over and over again the positive goes more and more, so as in your case 100% negative 0 positive. You are literally blocking his ability to feel positive emotions.
This behavior needs to stop. Check with your government about anger management courses they offer. To have any chance of this working out, your behavior needs to change now.
...............................
|
