A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I married my wife 17 years ago. She became pregnant we were in grad. school. We've built the trappings of an amazing life...a son, careers, great house, pets, and so on. We are supportive of each other...we are great friends...but...there is very little physical attraction (on my part) and hasn't been for years. To add to this, about 7 years into our marriage I was going to ask to leave when she was diagnosed with MS. I immediately put my wishes deep in a closet, everything on hold, and put her and our family first...time moved by.During the 17 years I've had a few surprisingly upfront women make it known they wanted more than just a friendly relationship. I've not taken advantage except once...this one woman is someone I've loved since I was in college and we had a relationship (emotional and physical) then...and she loves me...back then, it was the typical immediate attraction at first sight and then love as we got to know and completely respect each other...for reasons that we both deeply regret including a huge lack of maturity at the time and mostly distance...we didn't remain together but we never lost touch over time, always naturally turned to each other, and spent a great deal of time with each other when she moved into my region years ago...we are great friends on the outside...we have made love but stopped out of respect for my wife and because that's just not us...the guilt was eating us alive...she respects my wife and her battle with MS...but...we, as adults, both openly know how we feel and what we want and need.I'm honestly unsure what to do...my wife needs me although she's still reasonably independent and working but physically slowly deteriorating...financially it would hurt us now...my son is a senior but it would hurt him...so...should I continue to bury what I want and need?...I've been doing that for years upon years...it would be so much easier if I didn't love my wife as the person she is...but...I'm not in love with her...I've basically turned into a monk serving everyone but me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): You made the right decisions; that I am certain. However, I think you can trust your old GF to be discreet. I would travel for work, every 3 weeks for an overnight, and have this relationship on the side, now, provided she isn't married. Life is short. You have cared for your wife. Care for yourself. Under these circumstances, do so guilt-free. Guilt is a burden. Make a decision, and be happy with it. Again, be discreet. Sounds like your old flame can handle it. Make the decision/plan together with her. Develop a plan that is workable. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): I remember my Grandma used to see a man as a 'companion' whose wife was suffering in a similar degenerative way to your wife and he needed an outlet. Since becoming an adult I am obviously more understanding and respectful of how hard this must have been and the situation was very emotional for both my Grandma and her male friend. Prior to that I had no idea he had a wife! My point is there is a certain loyalty attached to what you are doing but you have a life too. If you stay with your wife and see this other woman as a friend you will have two women as friends both who you love and respect but cannot develop into a full and 'whole' relationship including physical love - in other words you have two of the same halves. To leave your wife you know you will be judged by many - particularly if you simply fall into the arms of another woman as if you don't care. People will always gossip. I think what you must ask yourself (and I think you kind of answered it really in your post) is whether you would have reached this crossroads and made a clear decision without your wife's illness. In other words - you are only there because of this. The kinds of things I would consider are: Do you think your wife deserves pity or honesty? Would she rather know your true feelings? Could you explain to your wife how your current feelings have been longstanding - long before her illness started? Could you move out and live alone - be with neither woman (still supporting your wife but making some kind of separation phase)until things settle and are clearer and you can see the impact / perspective? Could you even be honest with your wife about your feelings and needs? I only ask this as sometimes, people form an agreement for a more open marriage if one person no longer wishes for a physical relationship. I think much depends on whether you want to have a whole relationship or can find an acceptable half-life. Remember though that no-one should be a martyr. You do have a right to be happy. If you could separate from your wife could there be a way of offering her enough support going forward that she could manage the emotional change? You have so much to consider but I think the first step is a very honest chat with your wife to explain how unhappy you have been - and its not just since her illness. Keep posting here for more support as things progress.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 March 2009):
I think in this situation, you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don't.
If you stay you will be miserable but loved, and if you leave then you will be hated and I don't think you could stand that (especially from your son) and you'd still be miserable.
Your wife must surely have noticed that you don't have much of a love life.
I think you need to talk to her and tell her that you are unhappy.
There is counselling, and even just telling her you are unhappy, may make her realise that she could be doing more to keep you happy in the bedroom. I know you say there is no physical attraction, but you must feel something??
You have to give it a try and if she is not interested / unwilling then she may be happy for you to go and discretely get some kind of satisfaction elsewhere. The idea of a man having a respectable wife and family, but a cute girl on the side is hardly something new. There are women out there who will be happy with a casual arrangement as long as you are honest that it will never develop into something more.
Good Luck!! xx
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