A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help needed please! I am a bit confused by the signals that this man is sending out to me...I have been extremely attracted to someone for about four years, but never told him or really showed it in any way. He is four years older than me and my college tutor (I am a mature student) - albeit that I'm doing independent research and am rarely actually in college itself. Many times I felt that he really liked me - I would often find him staring at me and friends remarked that, during college discussions, he seemed to always love what I was saying and to "come alight" when I was speaking. However, he always made a point of being extremely 'professional' and has a reputation for being somewhat over-formal in setting boundaries with students and so on. Friends told me that he was married, but they were sure he and his wife lived separately and had separated, but I just thought this was a rumour or speculation, so I did everything I could to put him out of my mind, almost forcing myself not to feel the natural things that I felt for him. During these four years, I went through a very painful breakup and moved home. I had to tell my tutor because it was starting to affect my work, so he knew what my situation was. In the following year, I kept getting the same feelings - that this guy really did like me, but that he was also being super-formal with me. Due to illness caused by the stress of my study and my break up, I took several months out of college. I think he became concerned that I would not return. In various ways he let me know that he wanted me to come back and that he really respected me. Then, when I did say I was thinking I would come back, he suggested that we meet to discuss my project, but we met outside of college and have done this four times now.The first three times these meetings were far more like dates, all proposed by him and all extended by him into the evening and dinner, etc. I felt sure that he was flirting whilst still keeping just within formal boundaries. I also felt he was holding back and I knew that he was married and had a child, so I didn't flirt, but was just very respectful and made it clear I enjoyed being with him. On the third 'meeting' I had a great time, but I was beginning to find the situation - not knowing what he 'wanted' - quite stressful and I also felt, right at the end of the night, that he was a little impatient or just not as engaged as usual. Maybe I read this completely wrong, I'm not sure...however, he did suggest meeting again soon but, as I have now started back at college and needed time just to work, I suggested that we meet about a month later.We just met for the fourth time, and after discussing my work, he asked if I had time for a drink. We went for a drink and chatted, but he said he had to get up very early the next morning in connection with taking his child on holiday. THEN, he told me what my friends have been saying all along - that he and his wife have not been living together for over two years and that she is moving out of the country in the near future and will probably take their child with her - he said this in the context of discussing his child's schooling, so I focused on that and, because I knew he couldn't stay long, didn't ask him anything about how he was feeling and so on.The thing is, in the meantime, I have tried really hard to get back with my ex and to make it work - but it isn't working at all, although I feel 'comfortable' literally in the sense that the situation feels very familiar to me. We don't sleep in the same bedroom and we never have sex together. We argue almost every week. Also, I told myself time and again to forget about how I felt about the other guy and to remind myself constantly that he is, after all, my tutor - albeit almost the same age as me (forties) and so, when my ex- said he wanted to try again, I thought I should try to 'settle' and lower my expectations. Also, in this last 'meeting' the guy was more flirtatious at first, but also seemed quite 'exhausted' or just a bit depressed. I honestly don't know if he is just losing interest in me - I could understand if he is because I have been holding back due to not knowing his situation and out of respect for my (failed) relationship with my partner. I'm feeling a bit out of my depth because I haven't been able to just do things straightforwardly - I'm not into game playing and am just quite upfront about things, and would usually flirt and be more open about my feelings, but in this situation it feels like the timing is slightly out of synch - I mean, if I'd known he was interested back then I would have died with happiness. Now I'm just a bit confused about what, if anything, to do...can anyone help with this one? It seems on the one hand that he is saying he is 'ready', and is still a bit down about his marriage and worried about his child's future, but on the other hand I don't know if he has just been 'fantasizing' a relationship with me and, now that he is getting to know me, the fantasy is falling away...can any men shed any light on what is going on here?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 He left you know that he is free, but now your not. Not if you are still sharing a home with your ex. Are you still married to him or not?
If not move out, get your own place, and tell your tutor that you are free now too and would very much like to go out with him on a real date.
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