A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i just discovered that my husband of 4yrs is having an affair at his office. My instinct told me something wasn't right but i tried to remain positive and trust him,some sent me an anonymous text message which made me connect the dots and convinced me that what i had suspected was actually true. I am so confused, he is away and returns on the weekend i plan to use his phone to text his mistress and meet her, Then pack my bags and leave for a week while we both think about if we are still interested in this marriage.Do you think that's a good idea. (Meeting with the mistress) i honestly do not have a single person to confide in. I do not even know how to, so please help me. PS. We have 2 beautiful babies. 9months and 21months
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): Meeting the mistress is a bad idea for a number of reasons. To make this brief I will refer to you as the "Loyal Partner" or "LP", your husband as the "Betraying Partner" or "BP" and the mistress simply as "M".1. M doesn't want to be your friend. M wants to be your replacement. M - like most mistresses - wants you to be so hurt and humiliated that you will file for divorce. You may want to, because BP is a love rat.2. M doesn't think that BP is a love rat, because BP has told her what BPs always tell Ms - that you alone have caused the problems that led to the affair. Typical of BP strategy: you don't understand him, you withhold sex and/or affection, you are too demanding/controlling.3. Acknowledging her directly gives M a green light to make the affair public, because no doubt BP has told her that LP shouldn't know. Trust me, you do not want the publicity except as a last resort.4. Do confront BP and give him an ultimatum - carefully consider what you want to say, put it in a letter and make a copy which you can give to a lawyer if you need to.5. If you love BP and have no reason to believe he is a serial adulterer, convince him to break off the relationship before it is too late, and get help from a marriage counselor.You must act quickly. The longer the affair lasts, the more invested M will be in a relationship with BP. I am currently involved in such a case. Whatever BP actually told M (he claims he didn't, she claims he did), she wanted to believe that he loved her and would leave LP for her. The longer they were together, the more she fell for him and after a couple of years she would do anything to get him. So what started out as a "casual fling" became much more serious in her estimation. She decided to force his hand by getting pregnant. Then things got very messy. She told all her friends and posted pictures of her pregnant belly alongside pictures of BP on her (public) FB page. BP freaked out and begged her to stop. Blinded by love and the fantasy that BP would leave his wife and form a family with her, M couldn't even recognize the warning signs. BP was a few blocks away from the hospital where M gave birth, and she frantically called and texted him to say she was going into labor, but he didn't turn up. M organized a huge christening and invited 300 people - the invitations she had made up had his name and his picture on them, but he didn't attend. She changed HER surname to his on her address and business cards. She contacted his parents and started demanding money from them. She filed court documents to make sure the fact he was the baby's father went into the public domain. That's how the wife, their neighbors and their children's teachers found out about the affair. LP was shocked, angry and humiliated and lashed out at M, calling her a few choice names. This was a natural reaction, but M didn't see it that way. BP had spent years telling M that LP was a bitch. That was what M wanted to believe, and the accusing email from LP was all M needed to confirm it. In M's view, LP is the guilty party, and M and BP the innocent victims.M thinks this "attack" on her is also an attack on her child. She keeps saying over and over, "LP wants to destroy an innocent child!" when speaking to LP, this is far from the truth. It is M's way of defending herself and her integrity. M accepts no responsibility whatsoever for almost breaking up LP and BP's marriage, and when I mentioned the potential damage to LP and BP's kids, she dosn't care. She only cares about her own. M's reaction to LP's outburst was to impose all kinds of unreasonable demands on BP "or else". The "or else" includes accusations of domestic abuse and even rape. You might think M is a psycho, and although that is a possibility, it's more likely she is a lovesick, scorned woman who is partly in denial about her own misdeeds, and partly aware of the reality of the situation - BP doesn't love her, doesn't love her kid (as much as he loves his kids with LP) and she may have to cope with raising a bastard child alone, with all the poor life chances and stigma that presents to both her and her child.Do not contact her - ever. And if you and BP decide to stay in the marriage - he should not contact her - except for a genuine child emergency or if, for example, he (and presumably you) are moving, so she knows how to get in touch in the case of a child emergency. Any other contact should be through a third party.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016): Thank you very much. this means a lot! I honestly had no one to turn to and confide in. I feel much better. although what hurts me is the amount of respect and love my family has for hiM.Now that my cousin's and sister know, it is already out there.my kids oh God my kids.... I pray I get through this....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016): Although the mistress is no innocent bystander, your husband is the married-guy cheating on you! Meeting her will tear you apart inside. She's a kept-woman, which amounts to her providing him sexual-favors in exchange for all the perks. That's as low as you can get. Men don't respect that kind of woman; but in this case, your man doesn't respect either of you. That includes his own children.
He must be one clever SOB to be able to keep you completely in the dark; or you're really in a state of denial, and can't see the forest for the trees. A kept-woman demands time, and money. The more he's away; that's proof enough.
If he's using company funds to support his mistress, there will be hell to pay.
Get yourself a good lawyer and/or hire a private investigator. I think you have proof enough, just by the mere fact he deletes messages from her. Why wouldn't he want his wife to know what he's discussing with another woman? Well, in due time, the company will frown on their cozy arrangement. He'll break promises to others in her favor. Jealous employees will start nasty rumors; and his other staff will turn against the both of them. He'll try to distance himself when that happens. A kept-women scorned often turns the life of a man-of-means or position, completely inside-out. He could lose his position and everything. He's already lost you. Perhaps, "gave you up" might be more appropriate to say.
So, it's best to get your legal ducks in a row now. Again, don't go for his mistress. You'll cause a scene beneath your dignity, and it wouldn't make any difference.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): Thanks alot.. I really appreciate the advice. I look forward to reading more.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (18 May 2016):
 Meeting the mistress will do no good so leave it out. Your fight is with your husband. He is the one that married you and spoke those lies at the altar. The mistress owes you not a thing. Now, what you need to consider is all the lies he had to tell in order to keep you separate from his other life. You need to decide what it is that you want to do going forward. I think that a small break will help you loads because it will give you time to think clearly. You need to remember that your marriage is fairly new and that makes the affair even worse. Good luck though OP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease note; He is her boss. He is the Executive Director while she is an accounts assistant. The texts are so long and in my mother tongue so u might not be able to interpret them. But i was able to trace the source and it turns out it's an elder cousin of mine. Telling my sister to investigate and help save me from him and his lies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking time to respond to my question, the texts were sent to my sister and i suspect they were sent by my cousin who os good friends with one of his staff. I always suspected he was having an affair with with that mistress bse he was always with her, always created office get aways and retreats out of town, gave her a company car to drive, confessed that the office was paying her house rent and was to support her to further her studies, and of cos the fact that he was always on phone with her. I tried to check his phone for hints but noticed that he is quick to delete texts from her, even when they appeared in his message logs. Ofcos my instincts told me something wasn't right. I tried to ask him if all was fine but Ofcos he kept lying let me copy and paste the texts here.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 May 2016):
 No, nothing will be gained from meeting the woman who is having an affair with your husband, that will only cause you more grief and pain so why go there.
Ask yourself who might have sent the text message and why they might have done that, my marriage broke up when I found ladies lipstick in my husbands overnight bag as I was emptying it for dirty laundry .... guess who put it there, she did a very similar thing to her husband's first wife.
So, while I know how you are hurting and your gut is wrenching, say nothing just yet, it is more important to check things out to ensure your children and you will be okay .... or as I sometimes say, line up your ducks!
Gather together as much information as you can on your finances and assets, if you have joint bank accounts or credit cards move as much cash as you can somewhere safe, if you own property together or he has other assets get copies of all deeds and titles, and then make your move.
I hope you can do all this before he returns on the weekend, otherwise give yourself another week. Once you are sure you are not going to be put in a position where you will be disadvantaged sit him down and tell him you know he has been putting his penis where he shouldn't. Be as crude as you feel like being, ask him what his intentions are towards you, your marriage and your children.
And read Wise Owls answer again, he speaks the truth, if your husband belittles you or your marriage with trite terms and phrases, that's it, end of marriage.
Be strong, be resilient, and don't bother wanting to meet this other woman, it will only strengthen her, and make you feel worse, and you don't need that crap. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): No, you shouldn't try to meet the mistress. You should confront your husband. You should get your legal ducks in a row for child-support, and alimony. You half of all your assets. If he has gone as far as to have an ongoing affair, having children so young; it's really up to you, if you think your marriage is salvageable.
Please do not use the children as pawns. It will be traumatic for them being used in psychological warfare. You may have to adjust to the reality that you may have to support them yourself; but don't even take on the notion you will struggle without his help. Just without him as your husband.
People who cheat on their marriages shouldn't be given a second-chance without a ton of stipulations; and a rigid list of things they have to do make up for it. Forgiveness must be earned. I caught my partner five years into of our relationship in our bed, having sex. Caught in the act!
I forgave him. We stayed together another 23 years after that. Not all men have the ability to win back your trust.
He was the rare breed. If he ever did cheat again, he was smart enough to know, if I ever found out. Hell would freeze over, thaw, and freeze again before I'd even so much as look his direction. Our relationship was good thereafter, with normal couple's issues. Not all turnout that way. We had no children, and were not married. In that case, I would have left him. No if, and's, or buts. Father's who cheat on the mothers of their children and their children, deserve little mercy. That's a lot to lose.
If they couldn't weight the pros and cons before risking it all; then it's up to you do tip the scale.
If he had problems within your marriage, he should have had the balls to tell you. Not go find some slut who knowingly f*cks married-men. No my dear, spare yourself the pain of meeting such a woman. It's beneath your dignity to be in her presence. She doesn't respect boundaries, and doesn't care what all this is doing to you, your marriage, and your children. She's a selfish, heartless, home-wrecking wench. He's every conceivable filthy name you can aim at a cheating assh*le.
You must confront him, and see where his head is at. You must get the facts from him as to why on earth he could do this to his marriage? How he could humiliate you before your children, your family, his colleagues, and your neighbors? How he could sacrifice the life he gave vows to cherish?
Leave the mistress out of it. It's about him, you, and your children. Not about her. If he uses any of the cliches:
"It's nothing...it was just sex, she means nothing to me,
you and I never have sex like that, or you've gained so much weight since you had the kids." End the marriage. Those are the most disrespectful heartless things anyone can say to your spouse. You can still forgive him; while living in separate homes and living separate lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): Hmmm. An affair? Only four years into your marriage? You are still practically newlyweds! So, if this is true, then what happened?Where is the disconnect between you and your husband?Did the alleged affair happen after the kids were born? As they are both still quite young and very close in age. Did this cause stress and distance between you? Were you focused on the kids and not your husband? Oftentimes there are triggers to affairs. The birth of children can be one of them.I am NOT blaming you. IF your husband IS in fact being unfaithful, it is/was HIS decision to have an affair, which was and is wrong. It is not a way to solve problems. Only an escape.So, who do you think sent you this "anonymous" text? Somebody who has something to gain? Somebody who has a vested interest in the situation? So, perhaps the mistress herself? It is the most likely possibility. Or there are some pretty vindictive people out there who like to blow apart other people's lives without any clear proof. Now, let me ask you this: DO YOU HAVE ABSOLUTE PROOF your husband is actually HAVING an affair? I mean, beyond the shadow of a doubt proof? Because that is one pretty big accusation to just throw around in a text anonymously. Yes, we have instincts. They are there for a reason. But also remember that our instincts CAN be wrong. And triggered by our own insecurities. You are a young mom with two small children. Perhaps you are not feeling as attractive as you once were and are projecting your insecurities and worst fears onto your husband and his apparent wrong doings. I can relate. After giving birth, our bodies change for awhile. We are tired. We do not focus on ourselves so much as before. We do not spend quality time with our husbands and our relationship goes through changes. Rightly so. It happens to all of us. So, is it not possible you are feeling insecure about the changes you are experiencing in your life? Just giving you another perspective on this.Now, even IF the text was sent by a mistress, do you still have PROOF? Other than her word? Consider the source. She is trying to come between you. Win your husband away from you. Is that what you want to do? Hand him over? Or fight for him? Here is one option. Talk to him. Allow him to tell his side of the story. It's only fair. There are always two sides to every story. However, confronting him will probably result in him lying and denying it all. So sometimes confronting is not the best choice. Because you will be no closer to the truth. Just more lies. He is going to say all he can and lie all he can to protect himself. He does not want to be caught. He does not want his life to crumble. He does not want to lose you and your children.He may be guilty. It might have been the mistress texting you. Maybe she loves him and he has played her. Maybe he told her he loves her. Is not in love with you. The marriage is dead etc. You don't have sex with him anymore. All the regular excuses they use. So, she is trying to speed up the process thinking that perhaps he is afraid to pull the trigger. Another possibility.Ball is in your court now.This is what I would do.I would ignore the text. Write down the number it originated from if you are able to see it and keep it for future use if necessary. Then BLOCK the sender from texting you again. OK?Be quiet about it. Do not let on you know a thing. Pretend you never received the text. And just act as if. Put your worries aside. At least publicly. And do some investigating behind the scenes. Whenever you think he is spinning a story about his whereabouts, plan to follow him or check out his alibi. But always be accepting of his plans and pretend as if you are buying his story. He cannot know that you are worried or he WILL cover his tracks much better.Once you find absolute proof and you will if you are LOOKING for it.... you can nail him. In the meantime, I would go see a divorce lawyer quietly. Know what your rights are and what you are entitled to. Be prepared. Knowledge is power. If you cannot afford it, try legal aid in your area. I am sure you will be taken care of in a settlement should it come to that.Now, if you find out he has been having an affair, you have two options. You petition him for divorce and don't look back or you try to work it out with him. See a marriage counsellor. Try to understand what went wrong in your marriage that caused him to stray. You both played a role. And then there will be a lot of hard work to get back on track. Would he be willing to do that? Would he be willing and ABLE to cut off his mistress cold and forever? Without a relapse? As many cheating men find it difficult to let go of their "drug of choice" EVEN if their marriage is threatened. And can you ever forgive him? Would you be able to trust him again? Would you always worry that any time you hit trouble in your marriage that he would seek another escape? You already know he is capable.I know how hard it is. You have only been married a very short time and you have two little ones. You were counting on your husband to be your rock. Your best friend in life. Your partner in raising these children. It is as if that whole dream blows apart within seconds of getting such a text. I feel very badly for you. It certainly is a horrible thing to have to go through. Especially when you are on your own and have nobody to confide in.Just know YOU HAVE POWER and YOU ARE STRONG.You will get through it. Your little ones need you. I suggest finding out for sure first. Do not confront him unless you have proof that cannot be questioned or explained away. Once you have that, you can approach him and then decide if you want to leave or work at it. It is really your choice. What can you live with? There is no right or wrong. The biggest issue if he is cheating and you decide to work on your marriage will be trust and forgiveness. And it will be very difficult to rebuild while you are always going to be looking over your shoulder and worrying about his fidelity for the rest of your lives. Something like that just never goes away. And it does slowly poison what little is left of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (18 May 2016):
No...YOU have two beautiful babies :)) If you know you can raise the kids on your own...then do so. Sperm makes a man a father, but not a dad. Commitment does...to you and the kids.
He wants to go back in time, let him go. You move forward.
An ex is only good for one thing in most cases...to repeat your mistakes.
You do not need this kind of man to succeed in life. Show the world how strong a woman can be. :))
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