A
male
age
30-35,
*alaham
writes:I have a minor but what I fear might be a big problem about myself in my current relationship. And rather than opinions and criticism over how juvenile I am, I would like to hear from people who had a similar experience, and how they got over it. Because for me, logic does not hold a leash on my emotions. I love my girlfriend very very much, and I want to conquer this frustrating obsession. Before it affects our relationship. So please help!My girlfriend is a traditional Chinese girl. She has only had one past relationship that lasted 4 years. Her boyfriend was not good to her, but she stayed faithful. In the end he suddenly ran away one day and didn't leave a trace. He came back 1 year later and apologized. Anyway, he was just a very low person.I myself was a virgin before she took my virginity. I am truly happy that I saved it for her. Because our first time together was like a dream. And at that time I thought I want her in my whole life. I still do.She told me she was so young. That her previous relationship was very insignificant. That they only met a very few times every year because their parents wouldn't let them meet. It made me feel relief.But... he took her first kiss, her virginity, her first love. That someone other than me once had a spot in her heart is making me extremely jealous. And because I understand just how sick I am for being this way, I get a really bad consciousness.I could tell the times we had sex that she is not very experienced. But sometimes when she does me favors during intercourse, a question pops up in my mind "Did she learn this from him?".There are these forceful thoughts, where I can see her letting him have sex with her. How that disgusting man touches her. And it makes me want to cry or rip my blanket to shreds.Now that sounds a bit mental. I am not the person who projects my inner feeling into reality. It is not like I go around thinking about this day in and day out. But once the subject of her ex pops up in my mind for one reason or the other, it is difficult to prevent it from escalating in my head.Thank you for your patience with this long text!
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male
reader, Galaham +, writes (28 March 2016):
Galaham is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the replies MissEllen and Mrs.Anonymous! @MissEllen: I am thankful for your advice, but all of this is already crystal clear to me. Rather, I am trying to find a way to conquer these feelings. And any advice on how to do that is what I am asking for.Something you said in your reply:"What has happened in her past has made her who she is today including losing her virginity to this guy.."That's exactly what makes my jealousy flare up. That this "guy" is part of what shaped her to be who she is today. And I know that because of what he did, she could mature and grow. But then I fear the parts of him that she carries with her. Maybe his jokes, maybe his personality. So on. I know what you're thinking when I say this. I am fully aware of how immature it is and stupid. I realize that, I want to work on it. So that's why I am looking for a more practical answer on what I can do, rather than the goal line because I know what that is.@Mrs.Anonymous: Yes, this is somewhat similar to my girlfriend now. But she is a very traditional Chinese girl. She gave up her virginity to him because she loved him. She did tell me she was so stupid for loving him. But otherwise, your thoughts gives me some kind of inner relief and peace. That the part of that love may still not have a spot in her heart. It is really what I want to believe. So thank you for sharing this experience with me. It does help to hear this more than you think.
A
female
reader, MissEllen79  +, writes (27 March 2016):
First of all I understand why you feel the way you do, I mean surely anyone and everyone feels little jealous of their current partner's ex partner, especially if they took their virginity and were their first love. Secondly, It is important to remember that you cannot change what has happened before you met her, you have a past and so does she. Everyone's past is different, some past relationships are good but just don't work out or are terrible and end badly (as such the case of your current girlfriend).
I know it's hard to do, but you should try to overcome these thoughts that you have and accept that she is not the same person she once was. She is no longer with this other guy that treated her badly, she is with you. What has happened in her past has made her who she is today including losing her virginity to this guy..
So, my advice to you is to try to overcome these thoughts and if that isn't working you need to talk to her about your thoughts. It's best to be honest and truthful and talk about your feelings in a relationship and together you can get through this :)
Hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, Galaham +, writes (27 March 2016):
Galaham is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the replies. Yes, I realize that these feelings are very immature and wishing for anything else would be unrealistic. A correction, it has not affected our relationship, but I fear that it will.I have been open to her that I harbor these feeling of jealousy, and she has tried very hard to soothe these feelings. It has helped a lot. But it still lingers in my mind. And at one point I started thinking she may be telling a white lie to make her past relationship seem insignificant and a mistake, to cure this irrational jealousy of mine. @WiseOwl: I really think your words are wise. The "objectifying" of me wanting her to have waited for me really strikes the immature part of me. I am objective, and can see myself from the sidelines. It does make me feel pathetic.Distracting myself is the way I am currently dealing with it. And it does work.I am very well aware however, that I am being unreasonable. It is more like I am looking for a finishing blow, to end this feeling coming up once and for all. Which is why I hoped some people with a similar experience could tell me how they got through it. But your answer gives me a lot of thinking. I will read it over a few times. Thank you!@Honeypie. I am very well aware I can't change it, intellectually. And sure does it make me miserable, because I refuse to accept that I can't, emotionally.Thank you for sharing! I will take a look at that link.And yes, I am confident I am her best. It is like some sort of greed within me. And I don't like myself for it. I want to change it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2016): To make you feel better, my first so called love still make me wonder why on earth i choose this guy to take my virginity. I dont even think of him anymore. He was just handsome, thats all, and i was 16. believe me he is not in my heart, and never was. It just happened. This first love thing is highly overrated. I bumped into him a year later and could not believe i ever kissed him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2016): It takes self-control and determination to control obsessions. You can seek help from professionals, but it still boils down to you controlling yourself. No outside influences can control your thoughts, only challenge you to introspect; and deal with the reasons you feel the way you do.
When you feel jealousy coming on, you quickly distract your thoughts to how much you love her. You visualize her as a person, not your property. Not a possession that you feel no one else should touch. Just because you were a virgin, places no obligation or responsibility on her to project purity and be your fresh new possession without flaws or scratches.
She a person, and your objectifying her as a precious object that should have remained on a shelf somewhere waiting until you came along. Well, my friend, in the real world; people may find someone before they ever knew you existed. When you find a way to turn back time, share it with the rest of the world. Because that is what it will take if you can't get a grip.
There have been many posts on retro-jealousy, and there really isn't much anyone says that corrects such negative emotions. These posts are often long, arduous, and continuous. At the end, you'll feel pretty much the same. It's healthy to vent. However; you'll have to convince your own mind that your feelings of jealousy are yours to control and to suppress. That is, if you want to be deserving of the love she gives to you so freely.
It can easily be taken from you for your foolishness. "I can't help it" is a very convenient excuse. It's not always due to mental issues. Just human nature and immaturity.
You can spend all kinds of money on therapy; but it still comes down to letting love overrule emotions that distract from healthy feelings for someone you care for, and the person who cares for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 March 2016):
 Accept that you CAN NOT change her, change her past or in fact change ANYTHING about this.
So fighting it and letting it simmer is doing one thing and one thing only, it's making you miserable.
I suggest you look up an YOS (he is an uncle here on DC) who has written a lot about retroactive jealousy. Because I think that is what's going on with you.
http://www.retroactivejealousy.com/
Might also help.
Being her first, isn't as big of a deal as being her BEST!
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