A
male
age
41-50,
*eadRinger
writes:Hello everyone. Bit nervous. Never done anything like this before. Never needed this kind of advice before. OK, here’s the (ridiculous) situation:I’m a 32yo male who uses a wheelchair (very relevant detail), and I work with my best friend, a wonderful happy-go-lucky girl of 24. I think I fell in love with her a while ago but I never had the courage or confidence to tell her. After Christmas she’s leaving our workplace and leaving the country for a few months, and although I know she wants to keep in touch, I can’t shake this fear that she could easily change her mind and I’ll lose the girl I love forever.I know this is ridiculous for a 32yo, but I use a wheelchair remember, and I’ve never been here before. I don’t actually know if this IS that thing called love... all I know is that I’ve never loved and cared this much about someone who wasn’t part of my family.I want to know if my feelings are true, if I should tell her and if so how, and what might her reaction be? I don’t even know what I’d like her reaction to be. Part of me is just wanting her to laugh it off and say ‘yeah, right’ and then I can try to get my life back on track again. And also, there’s the risk of losing or ruining a wonderful friendship...Advice please! I’m going crazy.Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DeadRinger +, writes (26 December 2007):
DeadRinger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to say thanks to those that answered, especially the last one.
I guess I AM making an issue out of the wheelchair... preparing for rejection.
I won't see the lady in question until the New Year, so I've got a bit of time to think through my options. Thinking about it I honestly can't see her allowing things to change between us if she doesn't have the same feelings. I CAN talk to her, about kinds of personal stuff... and I know that she cares for me and will listen to what I've got to say. I remember a time when she told me sternly that I worry too much. I certainly do!
Feeling so much better about it now.
Thanks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): The fact that you are in a wheelchair is important but it is irrelevant here in terms of why you are asking for help. I mean it doesn't make you needier for advice than anyone else here.
Anyway, I understand your insecurity or at least imagine it. Even if you were not in a wheelchair you are in a risky situation. You are in love with your best friend. That is always a risky situation because if they don't feel the same they might disappear from your life and you'll end up losing your friend and your love and feeling totally rejected. It happens to a lot of people, in a wheelchair or not. The only thing here is that if she rejects you, even if she wants to stay friends I'm sure you'll end up blaming it on your wheelchair.
Who cares if it's love or not? I'm your age and still don't know if I've really loved in my life. You like her very much, feel a lot of good things for her and want to be with her Right? It should be love I guess.
I think you should express her the way you feel and risk it. Try doing it by buying her flowers or something first. I've been rejected in my life also but when I have done something for the other person it makes me feel great because when you love someone you want good things for them. And when the years pass by you feel a little satisfied because maybe those people rejected your presence in their lives but at least materially they received a token of your affection, and you made them feel good for a little while.
With that hint (a present) I think you should come on lightly about your feelings for her but come on. Tell her you've grown to like her very much and are very sad she has to leave but really hope to stay in touch because she is your best friend. Tell her you think about her often and she has become an important part of your life. Tell her you don't want this to ruin your friendship but you'd like to explore a different relationship with her and if it's not possible you'll respect her decision and don't want her to feel weird about it.
Hopefully she'll like the idea. But I really doubt she'll make any decisions before she leaves for her trip. If she has been a true friend up until now I don't think she'll dissapear. I believe she'll keep in touch.
It's important to always make her feel special and pretty. Personally I've kept in touch with a friend who kissed me years ago and I know he's still in love with me but I've never been interested in him. He has been such a cutie with me over the email treating me so well all of these years that I've serioously considered him lately. But he lives in another country now and has a son.
Be strong and do it! If you don't risk it you can't win.
Blessings!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): I'm not sure what to say about most of it, sorry, but I'm in a wheelchair too, I have kids and I've had a couple of really great relationships.
Don't make it an huge issue and then women won't either. Just be confident and be yourself and I'm sure it'll work out for the best.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): I've spent quite some time in a wheelchair too, so I think I can get 'inside your head' a little.
I'm guessing you're thinking that because you're in the chair you haven't got any hope as far as the ladies are concerned. Not in my experience.
Women are far less bothered about physical attributes (or lack of them) than men are. Women look for the sense of humor and the nice smile and personality far more than whether your legs work properly or not. Mine don't either due to a spinal injury, and the problems don't stop there - if you know what I mean, but I've got the most gorgeous woman in my life and we have the most amazing loving relationship. She either cannot see or chooses to ignore my physical problems.
Back to you. If you don't tell this woman how you feel then she'll never know, will she? You've got nothing to lose, nothing at all. Tell her what's on your mind. She won't laugh at you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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