| A
female
,
*andy1981
writes: I am 25 years old and i want to know if i have a problem, as i have slept with about 80 - 90 men, and i feel a bit bad but i love it. I'm single and i quite like it that way, because when i'm in a relationship i just want to sleep with someone else. Most of the time i may be a little bit tipsy when i do, but thats just for a bit of confidence as i do actually want to have sex with them. I must admit some i have regretted sleeping with. I just love the whole idea of going out, having a laugh and sex at the end of it. Sometimes i feel bad about it, and think that i wont do it again but i love it. I feel attracted to the man at first, we may have sex a few times then i go off them and find someone else. This isn't right is it?
View related questions:
confidence Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 October 2006):
 I'm glad you have found what people have written here useful. It sounds like you may have known this already, and been looking to find out if your feelings were right?
You remind me a bit of how my girlfriend used to be. Not the same, but similar. She too has had low self esteem due to a difficult childhood. She overcame this by stopping the sex and focussing on her own life, career, and good friends. Love for herself ,and living the life she really wanted, not what she thought the world expected of her. A book she has read that she said was very good is this one, you might want to consider getting it...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Chain-Self-esteem-Marilyn-Sorenson/dp/0966431502/sr=8-1/qid=1161761251/ref=sr_1_1/026-3035055-3383618?ie=UTF8&s=books
Lostandalone brings up an issue that you should also bear in mind in the future. For some men, in a committed relationship, it can be very hard to deal with hearing about their girlfriends past promiscuity. I have been in therapy for this since my gf told me about her history over 6 months ago, and have had nervous breakdowns because of it. It's not been easy for either of us, although it is much better now than it was, apart from the occasional brief relapse. When you do finally find a guy you want to commit to and have a longer term relationship, be very careful about describing your past to him. You should (I think) tell very roughly what your life has been like, but avoid details as much as you can, they will only hurt, not heal. It is very very possible to provide 'too much information' in this area.
Good luck
A
female
reader, bonym  +, writes (24 October 2006):
 You are obviously lacking something in your life and by having sex with so many men, its as if it fills a void in your life. If you have to question something then the chances are it isnt right but this is individual morality and choice. Its not up to me to say you are wrong, I would not do as you do, but thats me. I have different percepttions of what is right and wrong. You need to check your own conscience and decide what conviction you get regarding your actions. Just remember, you need to ask your motives for every deed then will you know if its right or not. Take care. xXx
...............................
A
female
reader, candy1981 +, writes (24 October 2006):
candy1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyos i keep reading what you wrote and most of what you wrote makes a lot sense to me, especially the bit below...'Promiscuity becomes a way of making you feel good whilst avoiding issues. Jumping from the 'high' of sex with a new person to the high of sex with the next person, whilst avoiding the comedown.'Thanks for your help
...............................
A
female
reader, candy1981 +, writes (24 October 2006):
candy1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your advice and honest opinions. I know what i do isn't right, as it does feel wrong, and yes i do try to kid myself sometimes, but i now know that there are reasons as to why i do this, and as yos stated i do think it could be due to low self esteem and basically having no respect for myself. I'm going to try and get this sorted out as i don't want it to take over my life, and maybe even ruin relationships in the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (24 October 2006):
 I agree with the anon below. I know personally I have broken up with a woman before because of her past because having slept with that many people is hard for a guy to deal with. You always want to think that your woman is special and having slept with that many guys I don't think any man around were you live will think that. You have abandonment issues with your father and you probably didn't start questioning your behavior until he came back into your life. Though this is morally wrong and considered a societal no no, its your life. Still waters run deep and you have to release your demons because no matter what you say to try to convince us or yourself no one wants to live like this. I wish you the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): Hi Candy,Although Ponungalungb's answer was intended as fun and in a joking manner (I hope, anyways)..you have to seriously wonder why other guys would 'say' this type of thing to you or think in this way?? I dunno-I'd rather have a guy respect me because they like me as a person, rather than paying me attention because they know, I'd have sex with them. I'd feel a bit slutty if I was treated that way. When you sleep with a lot of people so willingly-it does 'slander' one's reputation and the respect is not there. In order to be respected by others, you have to start setting boundries and respecting yourself, first. And remember, someday you might meet a nice guy whom you care deeply about...and he may not like your past. This could be a hinderance down the road.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 October 2006):
Rather than focussing on the sex perhaps spend time thinking about why you go off the men so quickly once you have had sex with them. Why this happens might be the key to your behaviour.
Plus when the time comes where you want a longer more committed relationship you will have to figure this out. So start now :) Personally, whilst I see no objective moral problem with what you are doing (some people will have subjective problems with it of course), the friends of mine who have been highly promiscuous have run into trouble later in life when it comes to managing commited relationships. For this reason you might want to reconsider what you are doing... you are setting up patterns that can be hard to break out of later. For this reason I don't really buy the 'getting it out of your system' comment by the first reader here. Be careful.
You are not alone in what you are doing. Some people do it just for the hell of it, and are fine. But many are promiscuous because they suffer from low self esteem. Sex can be a way to reinforce the feeling that you are attractive, whilst not staying together can avoid all the complications that come from low self esteem in a relationship. Promiscuity becomes a way of making you feel good whilst avoiding issues. Jumping from the 'high' of sex with a new person to the high of sex with the next person, whilst avoiding the comedown. This may not be you, but have a think about it. From your post it certainly sounds like it is possible. Have a look at this link, it describes low self esteem and has some tools for helping to figure out if this is effecting you, plus help and advice on what to do about it if needed:
http://www.coping.org/lowesteem/low.htm
...............................
A
female
reader, candy1981 +, writes (24 October 2006):
candy1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPonungalungb: I'm not suprised you asked that really! LOL
...............................
A
female
reader, candy1981 +, writes (24 October 2006):
candy1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCamille thankyou for your reply. I think you hit the nail on the head, that it may go deeper. Although i dont really know what it might be. I have been in two abusive relationships and my mum and dads relationship was very abusive, so to be honest i don't really trust men. I really want to stop behaving like this, but i think i need to know why i behave like this in the first place. When my dad left home when i was twelve and didnt start acting like a dad til a year ago, i remember feeling very rejected and i guess this behaviour started soon after that. I like the feeling i get from being with that person, the secure feeling, and a feeling that im wanted, but i can't handle relationships, its sad but sometimes i think i will be alone for ever.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (24 October 2006):
 What are you doing tonight? LOL
...............................
A
female
reader, camille +, writes (24 October 2006):
 The fact you're asking is answer enough. You are obviously not 100% happy about it or you wouldn't care what's wrong or right in anyone else's eyes. It's your decision and therefore your opinion that matters. For what it's worth I do think there must be something lacking in your life because although you say the drink is for the courage, I don't beleive you. It all sounds like an escape to me. 80-90 is a lot of men for your age, but there's no rules. You are in danger of getting a bad reputation. I'm hoping the booze doesn't effect your responsibilty when it comes to contraception. You NEED to be protected against AIDS and STD's, as well as pregnancies so the pill is not enough.
The fact some you regret and sometimes you feel bad about it suggests that this is actaully not how you want to spend your time.
I think this goes far deeper and you should really talk to someone about it. I am also wondering if there's a reason you're avoiding a long term committment? If you love sex so much, why not get with one man who you really care about and have all the sex you want with just he one guy? maybe try not sleeping with men for a while and indulge in some self loving (emotionally as well as physically), see how that makes you see yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): Having slept with 80-90 men is probably a bit too much but you are still young and so long as you're using protection (preferably condoms) and having regular check-ups at a sex clinic, I don't see a huge problem. One day you might find someone that you really like and settle down.
I have a friend that is like that. He's 29 now and is still sleeping with loads of girls because he says he's not quite ready to settle down but at least he will have it out of his system for when he does.
Keep safe and good luck x
...............................
|
