A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The situation:I'm a 21 year old male, in college, and despite attending a school famous for its academic programs and abundance of beautiful women, I'm still a virgin.Some clarifying information:1. I have no religious or moral opposition to sex. I do imagine it's probably better with someone you love and trust, but on the whole, it's just sex.2. I'm not inexperienced by any means. I've had three girlfriends of significance, and one brief fling. I've been physically intimate with all of them (to various degrees) - I might have been a late bloomer, not even having my first kiss until the day I turned 20, but I do know a bit about pleasuring women. I have no trouble getting girls to climax.I'll go to the problem at hand.Every time I'm out with friends, the topic of sex comes up and no matter what, it always comes out that I'm a virgin. Even if I don't tell anyone, people can tell for some reason. Which is annoying - I'm definitely not self conscious, and really, besides the fact that I'm not bragging about my sexual conquests, I'm perfectly fine in social situations.In the meantime, I'm dating a girl, who's also a virgin, and has indicated a stance that says "no sex until marriage." Or, rather, that's not specifically her view, but she's definitely not the type to give it up easy. Which presents a moral dilemma. Right now, at my age, it's just not feasible to get married. Everyone talks about how great it is to wait for marriage, but most people are getting married later in life, and I really don't think it's fair to have to wait that long.I find the notion that "there has to be a legally binding contract before God that two people will spend their lives together forever before a penis can enter a vagina" to be archaic and silly.At the moment, sex and virginity are always occupying my mind, and it's beginning to distract me and lower my self confidence. I feel horrible for saying this, but I really wish that I could just have sex, so that I can stop lying to people when they ask if I'm a virgin, and therefore, end their interrogations so I can move on with my life. During some particularly tough times, especially when I'm getting teased for not getting any play, the thought of cheating on my girlfriend (who is studying abroad right now) crossed my mind. I hate myself for it, and often came to resentful thoughts, such as "Why do I always end up with prudes? Why can't I meet a girl who isn't averse to sex? Why won't she just put out so I can stop worrying about this and focus on more important things, such as making her happy and being the best boyfriend I can be?" All these thoughts are thought out of anger and frustration.I know, people are going to tell me "her virginity is her decision, respect it". But it's a lot harder when you love everything about the girl except the fact that you can't have sex with her. I'm not asking for a dirty freak or a slut. I want to be with her - quite frankly, I have thought about spending the rest of my life with her and while I'm sure I'm being naive and stupid and foolish, I love her and hope she is the last girl I ever date. I just don't want something as insignificant yet significant as sex to drive us apart.How the hell am I supposed to deal with my situation? Is it really too much to ask when I say I want to have sex and lose my virginity so I can stop worrying about it? Is it evil of me that I want to stop the interrogation and judgment from people? People always say "Don't let them bother you!" but it DOES bother me. It kills my confidence and makes me resentful of everyone else. I know I'm being selfish, but at the same time, if I could just get it out of the way, I could be focusing on far better things.I don't want to end up losing my girl for a reason as stupid as this. I should try and be above it, but I've tried, and I can't - I'm ALWAYS thinking about this and it's frustrating me to no end.Can anyone provide input?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): What you should do is go out with few of your mates you trust somware you have not been before all will again have a couple drinks go up to sone girls not those in a pair for u are asking one to dump the other but og were their is 3 or more because one will always be pissed pick her up shag her leave your mobile if she like you she will call but make shore she is not pissed but merry or if u don't want a relationship then dont give her your number but if she likes then finds out your crap in bed then just change your sim card get a new number .
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Any woman worth your while will not give a damn that you're a virgin.
On that note, why do you care? It doesn't mean anything significant, hell, everyone is a virgin at one time. True friends wouldn't care either; if it bothers you that the make fun of you for it, then tell then to stop. Those that don't you shouldn't be friends with.
Virginity is a concept, so the only thing that matters is what you think. If you don't want to be, then go have sex. It's that simple. Go to the bar, go to the club, ask a random cute chick out.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Chigirl's very thoughtful response is terrific, you should read it and think about it. But I'll give you a male perspective, having been in your situation.
I was a virgin until I was 37. I would describe myself not that differently from you - I wasn't a virgin due to any religious or moral prohibition on sex. I just wasn't in relationships during my 20s and 30s, and in high school my girlfriend didn't believe in pre-marital sex. And I probably wasn't emotionally ready anyway. When I finally had sex, all the worries and meaning I ascribed to it seemed silly and overblown. I was *exactly* the same person I was before.
I would say this: you, like me and many others, have ascribed a mythical quality to being sexually experienced that somehow endows confidence. That's a fallacy. Confidence is something you build for yourself, and I don't think a few minutes of intercourse is suddenly going to transform you into an alpha male. Having sex doesn't make you a man, or a mature adult, or a successful person, or anything else.
If you love this girl as you say you do, then you need to reframe this whole issue in your head before it poisons your thinking any more than it already has. Sex is sex; it's not love, and shouldn't be confused for it. Stop thinking about it as something that she's denying you. Again, work on the way you think about the whole issue.
Finally, this shouldn't be something you are looking "to get over with". You have turned virginity into a prison you want to escape. As Hamlet says "...or there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison." You have the power to change that thinking.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Question. If you had your first kiss at 20, and you are now 21, how did you manage to have 3 girlfriends of significance? 3 girlfriends and a fling as well in just one year? That to me sounds like 4 short term relationships, and not anything I'd call significant. If you last a year with someone, then it's time to call it significant.
I don't understand how your virginity comes out each time you are out with friends? Can't your friends respect privacy, do they have big mouths? Would you tell them perhaps that it's a personal thing and not a topic for public conversation? Even if you were completely fine with being a virgin it'd be annoying to have it constantly brought up. Besides, no one wants their sex life up for discussion, whether it be about a non existing sex life or an active one. It's just no ones business. Be firm about this with your friends and other people, and tell them that your sex life is a personal matter. Then don't discuss it. Period.
I mean come on, if you have your virginity up on the table then everyone are also bound to find out when you've had sex too, so people will be on your back for that as well, like spectators. I'd find that extremely annoying, because then it'd be like broadcasting when you've had sex too! It'd be humiliating for the girlfriend who you first have sex with, when EVERYONE knows that she's slept with you. Such things are better kept private. Shut the barn door next time people start talking, protect your right to privacy. Be rude if you have to. It's none of their business, "no comment!".
As for your girl.. you first said you are only dating her, and marriage is not in the cards for many years as you plan to marry later in life (if I understood you correctly) and you don't want to wait until "later in life" to have sex. Then you go on to say she is in fact your girlfriend (and not just a girl you are dating...!), that she is abroad, and that you in fact are thinking of spending your life with her.
Which one is it? Is she some girl you are dating that is a prude, and you'd rather have sex, because she isn't THAT important (that's fair, I'll get back to that later) OR is she the woman of your dreams that connect with on a galactic level, you are over the moon in love and want to please her in any possible way, including staying a virgin for her to make her happy as can be?
I guess the real question here is: does she make you happy? Is she worth the wait?
With your track record of several girlfriends in a short amount of time, and not starting dating until a year ago, then I'd guess, although I could be wrong, that you don't have the experience with women, or with this girlfriend either, to know right now whether or not she is someone who's worth waiting for. How long did you date her before she left the country? How long until she will come back? How is your relationship, what is it like? Are you in love? Or is she just some girl who seems nice?
Sex in a relationship is important for me. I'd wait, and hold back until marriage, only if it was for the Love of My Life. For anyone else? No. So if I were in your shoes, being a person who values sex in a relationship, I'd re-think my reasons for entering a relationship with a prudish girl who just left the country. I mean, what's in it for me? A girlfriend who might as well be a fictive one? No sex, but not even kisses and cuddles, no holding hands or romantic dates, since she's abroad. I'm not sure I'd even have entered such a relationship! How long before she left did you date her, and did you know she was leaving then? Apparently she must have been worth it....
So your options are a) break it off with prude who's abroad and find someone more suitable for your idea of what a relationship should be like (which includes having sex before marriage, but also a number of other things that needs to match, such as not being long distance) or b) stick with prudish girl abroad, and see what happens when she returns. If she's worth the wait then she's worth the wait. It does sound like you don't really know her that well though, since you don't know if she is waiting until marriage or not. I think you need to get to know her better and also ask her about sex, if she plans to stay a virgin until marriage, if she is religious for that matter (if she is religious and you aren't then you aren't a good match to begin with, not only when it comes to sex but everything else as well).
Last word of advice: find out what YOU want. Stop thinking about what is important to everyone else. If YOU don't want to wait until marriage with sex then you don't. If YOU dont want to ever get married then you DON'T. If you don't feel like cheating then don't, if you don't feel like losing your virginity to the first and best thing that spreads it's legs.. then dont. It's YOUR life. Being a virgin is only a bad thing once you make it into a bad thing.
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